Can't cope with other people's problems at the moment

[cheerfulchyck]

I feel like an emotional bin for other people's feelings and problems. My mother, my sisters, friends - all come to me with their problems which obviously I don't mind but I feel like they vent at me (not about me, they're not having a go at me), then they feel better and I am then left with the weight of their feelings and feeling crap myself.

I'm currently going through an early miscarriage and it's my third in five months months, and I haven't told anyone because I can't bear to keep having the same conversation, but obviously because people don't know they're talking about their own problems to me 24/7 and I can't stand it. It's not that I don't care and it's not that they wouldn't help me or be sympathetic and caring to me if I told them about my own, it's just that I generally prefer to deal with stuff alone and I just want to be left alone to handle it. One of my friends in particular hasn't gone anyone else to talk to and I get these long, long, long messages about an issue she's having at work and how crap her partner is and how she feels unappreciated by everyone - it's NOT that I don't care, I 100% do, but I just can't really cope with it at the moment. I feel like these people (who are perfectly nice people, I think a lot of this is me not being able to put my boundaries up, which is on me) are draining me and feel that they can because I don't discuss my own problems (or not in as much depth anyway).

I feel that I am at emotional breaking point right now and at some point I will snap and say something unreasonable that I'll regret. I want to switch my phone off and ignore everyone for a week for my own sanity.

Is anyone else like this? I'm a total people pleaser and I don't know how to break the habit and put my own needs first for a bit.

Are they whatsapping you? I sometimes force close WhatsApp so I don't see the messages. Then, if dh really needs me he can text.

I sometimes feel like this. I think it's phones. They're so invasive.

Yes it's whatspp. I've already muted everyone's messags so I don't see a notification but obviously if I open whatsapp I see them and I can't seem to stop myself from opening. DH says I should just turn my phone off this weekend and if anyone needs me desparately urgently they can get in touch with him. But I feel bad about doing this, that's half the problem.

I think you’re bringing this on yourself a bit tbh. You’re open to listening to other people, so they think they can talk to you, but by your own admission you can’t share your own problems / issues back or be open with them that you’re going through something yourself.

You don’t need to tell them what it is but you might find you feel a bit better opening up and telling them that you’re going through some stuff on your own.

On the flip side, if I was sharing deeply personal things with a friend and then discovered later they were having a tough time but kept it to themselves I’d feel very weird. Friendships are for sharing stuff back and forth.

I get it OP everything is just a bit exhausting at the moment.

perhaps it’s better to share your news and say you need the space.

Firstly, sorry about your miscarriages.
I think you are going to have to put up some barriers for your own sanity. How you do that and how much you tell people is up to you. But eventually you will snap. Also, when later it comes out that you have been going through this people will feel terrible that you have let them go on and on. Could you just be a bit less available, not answer as quickly etc and see if they get the hint? Or failing that, tell some version of the truth and say you need some space to deal with stuff and will be in touch later. I here what you are saying about your friend, but her needs aren’t more important than yours.

My daughters call it 'trauma dumping'. And it is very much okay to say, 'I'm sorry, I care about you, I know you're having problems, but at the moment, I'm not in a place where I can carry yours as well as mine'.

To clarify, I do share, it's not that I don't tell people anything. But some things I just want to deal with on my own.

This is just how it feels and I wish I was a braver person to be able to say that.

I can completely relate.
A friend is having problems and I've just had to step back.
I have my own stuff and am just about keeping it Together.
Remember you can't pour from an empty cup.

Be brave.
Why do you think you can’t say it?
Do you think you are less deserving of kindness and compassion than everyone else?

Pathetically, I think i do feel this about myself

Hi @cheerfulchyck do your work provide an employee assistance helpline? Some provide counselling or at least provide information to support. On that note I think you could say to others that they might need to find help from the right places (hint hint).

Could you send them a simple message saying something like:

Sorry that you’re having a tough time. Have you spoken to anyone like your GP about it, in case they can do something? To be honest I am also facing up to my own struggles and have sought help. I’ve been advised to concentrate on helping myself for now so I am going to have a very quiet week and will be offline more than normal. I also thought about getting some counselling or something, as things have been piling up for me lately and I know I have reached a point where I know I must look for help. Sounds like we’re both finding it tough so let’s make sure we’re getting good help for ourselves. Take care etc.

I can completely relate.

I've had to step back from a friend whose doing the same to me. Literately message after message emotional dumping on me when I have enough on my plate.
Ive just stopped replying.

Would you be ok with your husband messaging that?
You need a break, from people, from phones, from everything. Could you switch off everything bar DH’s phone for the weekend and he can mute messages.

OP you can get secondary depression from listening to other people's problems. Tell them all you have no capacity to deal with any problems right now. That's fine. That doesn't make you a bad friend or family member - it's a positive thing to do. Your purpose in life is not to be a receptacle for other people's misery. No way.

I'm really sorry for what you've been through. Now put yourself first and engage in some serious self care, which includes not listening to other people's issues. They are adults and can look after themselves.

if you archive a chat OP you won’t get notifications and you have to actively check for messages. I find it really useful.

"some people have the real problem. Some people think I can solve them... I'm only human after all".

You’re not pathetic please don’t think that.
You’re just used to putting other peoples feelings first. It becomes a habit.
Practice being compassionate to yourself. Treat yourself as you would do others. I bet you don’t judge them so harshly.
Hugs to you. It’s not easy, but it is simple. You are allowed to say no to people to protect yourself x

I have turned my phone off for the weekend. I haven't told anyone. DH says if anyone needs to get in touch with me urgently and can't then they all have his number and can call him.

You know the Mumsnet saying 'you can't pour from an empty cup', and the analogy, that you need to put on your own oxygen mask first, before you are in a position to help others with theirs.

You can't give what you haven't got. True friends and good family, will understand this. I'm glad you're looking after you this weekend, and that DH has got your back.

I'm so sorry for your losses. That on top of very tough and traumatic times over the last couple of years. . . it all adds up, takes its toll.

Sometimes, I pretend that I'm actually advocating for a friend, or my children, when I'm actually setting a boundary for myself, in my own head. Somehow it makes it easier for me to stay strong, if I imagine I'm doing it for someone else!

That’s a brilliant start. Well done. I hope you’ve hidden your phone in a drawer so you can’t see it (I find that just seeing my phone makes me think about what’s waiting for me in the messages)
Hopefully you’re not reading this though as you’ve turned your phone off!

Turn the phone off as you said for a week. Sometimes people don’t pickup on whether it’s ok to keep on contacting you . This way they will know. Look after you for a bit. You sound lovely, take care of you.