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Original poster

I feel sad about last night and just wanted to share as nobody else to tell

23 replies

bertol · 02/09/2022 10:54

Just wanted to talk really. We have 3 yo dc. When we met in early 30s I thought he was wonderful albeit I had been his only relationship beyond a few weeks and he was 39 at the time. He could be tricky, very work focused and emotionally withdrawn but we had some lovely times and I was very happy. We talked a lot about a future with children. When I became pregnant unexpectedly, he changed. He would regularly throw accusations around, drank a lot more than usual, lost his license when I was 20 weeks and became very hostile to me. It was the most confusing and upsetting time of my life and I moved out. When I was 3 weeks away from birth I was contacted by a family solicitor who said he wanted me to prove paternity before I had dc. This was out of the blue and I did the test and obviously he was the father. He communicated with me on text but was very hostile and not clear about whether he wanted to see dc etc when they were here. Anyway he later got in touch and does see them intermittently now, he will come to my house and sort of be in a separate area and then he goes home. Last night I had my new partner around and ex walked in on us dancing in the kitchen while making dinner. This was something me and him used to to. We stopped immediately obviously and there were tears in my ex’s eyes. He sort of apologised for walking in and said something about dc and that he was heading off. It was around the time he would usually leave.

I am so happy with my new partner but I find the entire thing with my ex so traumatising still as I look back and wonder how on earth all that happened. It’s not a case of wanting him back as I absolutely do not, he treated me terribly, but I felt so so sorry for him last night. Not in a patronising way but a genuine feeling sorry for him way. He’s not in a new relationship and struggles with them anyway but I just found it sad. I would never contact him outside dc after what he did to me but I feel worried for him a bit. Not sure why I’m posting just wanted to get it off my chest!!

OP posts:
BodenCardiganNot · 02/09/2022 10:56

Take back the keys to your house so he can't walk in unannounced for a start.

FayeGovan · 02/09/2022 10:57

Well it sounds like hes got what he deserved and you have too

Save your sympathy for those who need it

KangarooKenny · 02/09/2022 10:58

He needs to take the kids out when he’s seeing them.

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Relationship problems
FayeGovan · 02/09/2022 10:58

How is he walking in on you anyway?

Itwasntright · 02/09/2022 10:58

How is that prick able to walk into your house and invade your privacy like that?

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 10:59

Presumably he's having contact at her house.

OP he fucked up maybe he knows that but that isn't your cross to bear. I'm glad you found happiness.

Katyaadlerscoat · 02/09/2022 11:00

Itwasntright · 02/09/2022 10:58

How is that prick able to walk into your house and invade your privacy like that?

He was visiting his child elsewhere in the OP's house.

happinessischocolate · 02/09/2022 11:02

It's okay to feel sad, it's part of the moving on process, and it's so much better than holding on to anger.

He'll be okay, don't spend your time worrying about him.

Original poster
bertol · 02/09/2022 11:05

No he comes to the house he just came into the kitchen.

its not sympathy I feel so much as wider concern as I know he has problems on an emotional level. I will always hate him for what he did to me but he seemed to vulnerable last night. I’m too soft I know and my DP has been great chatting about it but obviously can’t put in on him

OP posts:
Fairylightsongs · 02/09/2022 11:09

Op do you mean he was visiting his child in another room and walked into the kitchen when you were dancing with your boyfriend`?

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 02/09/2022 11:12

I would now be suggesting he has contact elsewhere. You will never be able to move on properly if you keep doing this.

im not saying do it out of the blue. But just say that from x you expect him to arrange contact elsewhere. You are allowed to move on with your life. :)

Original poster
bertol · 02/09/2022 11:15

@ZeroFucksGivenToday he is quite far away though with no car. So it would make it hard for dc

OP posts:
AceSpades54321 · 02/09/2022 11:23

I can understand how it is upsetting to see the father of your child getting teary. But tbh it is a good lesson for him, he needs to recognise his actions have consequences. You felt that pain all that time ago, now it’s his turn. You sound like a kind and empathetic person, but don’t let his emotions drown you - they are his, and his to deal with.

Floralnomad · 02/09/2022 11:24

bertol · 02/09/2022 11:15

@ZeroFucksGivenToday he is quite far away though with no car. So it would make it hard for dc

In that case he needs to take the child to a soft play / McDonald’s / have them overnight at a weekend , what you are allowing is not normal and can blur the lines for small children .

Justcallmebebes · 02/09/2022 11:29

Karma's a bitch isn't it?

Original poster
bertol · 02/09/2022 11:29

@Floralnomad what lines?

OP posts:
Annabananna1 · 02/09/2022 11:33

Well. You did nothing wrong in the slightest. He obviously just got caught off guard with his emotions.
There's nothing to do.
Just forget it and carry on if everything else is working ok.

newbiename · 02/09/2022 11:36

bertol · 02/09/2022 11:29

@Floralnomad what lines?

Knowing that dad lives in another house. It's quite unusual at the age of three to still have contact at mums house

NotLactoseFree · 02/09/2022 11:43

Well, all I can say is well done on ending this relationship while you were still pregnant. It's a really difficult time and for many women the instinct would be to stay and hope it got better.

The reality is that this man appears to be "the victim". So if you'd stayed, all the things h was doing would have been your fault or the fault of his shitty childhood or because he was upset about work that day or whatever. It might not even have been conscious on his part, but it would have been endless and relentless and you dodged a bullet.

Reframe it - "Three years after I left ex because he was an abusive twat, he still seems to think he's the victim and want my sympathy for how HE screwed up - he even bloody had tears in his eyes when he saw me happy with my new BF. What am I supposed to do with that? Feel sorry for him? What an immature twat."

stode · 02/09/2022 11:46

It's totally inappropriate that he has contact like that. His abuse hasn't really ended.

SweepItUnderTheCarpet · 02/09/2022 11:46

However awful he was it's still understandable that something like this has bothered you. Presumably you had some happy times and he is the Father of your child. You can feel sad and confused and also know 100% that he is a nasty bastard.
Felling aren't always logical.

viques · 02/09/2022 11:47

Just because you are generous enough to let him use your house for contact doesn’t mean that you have to sit like a mouse in another room while he is there, you have moved on, you have a new partner and a new life. If ex doesn’t like seeing this while you are in your own home then he will have to rethink the arrangements he has for contact.

Whiskeypowers · 02/09/2022 11:52

Justcallmebebes · 02/09/2022 11:29

Karma's a bitch isn't it?

This

He wouldn’t be in my house
He have to be a grown up and sort out somewhere to go with his kids that didn’t involve contaminating my home ever again, guilt tripping me with crocodile tears. There will things to do with kids near you. He can get a bus or taxi there.

zero sympathy

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