Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

DP, DCs, money, work, home....Everything!

33 replies

SunflowerSue · 02/09/2022 10:16

Firstly work. I've just given notice on my current job which is in retail and I'm finding incredibly draining physically and mentally. Sounds daft but the role has changed so much since I started 10 years ago and the pressure on staff has gone off the scale. That's with the usual quota of slackers who seem to get away with doing less than most. Most of my colleagues are looking for other jobs.
I accepted a new job in an office so it's less demanding on the physical side but probably going to be more stressful mentally (NHS) Also the training will stretch my powers of getting to grips with up to date technology. I'm not a young cove.
This job is less hours at less per hour too adding to the money worries. I'm really nervous about giving up a secure job with better hours but feel I can't go on much longer where I am.

Then there's my home. Last year after years on the list I finally got awarded an HA house. It's still one bedroom short of a mansion so I'm on a sofa bed in the living room. It's in a village where I feel a bit cut off. The bus service isn't great and a car is a luxury I'm wondering if I can still maintain. I love the huge garden and that is my main solace and de-stressing area. When the DC leave home I doubt I'll be able to afford to stay there on my own. So potentially in a few short years I'll be uprooted again.

DCs are 23, 18 and 16. The teens are in their bedrooms most of the time. They do a few chores but need chivvying. I often come home to a mess after work. Eldest has been contributing financially but as expected is now looking to move in with her boyfriend. A bedroom gained but financially a loss. Plus she is adult company and (mostly) rational conversation. She helps out with cooking, housework and minding her siblings when I stay with....

DP. He's of an older generation than me and has some outdated attitudes to race, homosexuality and women. He's had a chequered past which he's been quite honest about. My children used to like him but with age have become extremely anti. He liked them when younger but is always critical now. I'm caught between the two parties and can't talk to one about the other. He has his own place which I stay at a couple of nights a week. It's a tip so not very restful but I do regard it as an escape from the drudgery of unappreciated cooking and the usual housework.
My old friends aren't mad on DP either so I can't talk to them. I find them very judgy generally and we've lost touch to a great extent. I've got very little money and can't go on the girls weekends anymore.
Everything seems a bit shit really. At home I sit alone after another unsuccessful meal that teens have hated and put in the kitchen caddy. At DP's I field his comments and try to ignore the towering piles of crap. Just venting here really. Feel entirely free to ignore.

OP posts:
PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 02/09/2022 10:20

Dump the BF. It will be a weight lifted, honestly.

Tell the teens to cook their own meals or pick your battles and cook things you know they will eat. Money is tight, energy is costly. Needs must.

Midpmcoffee · 02/09/2022 10:23

I had to reread the ages of your “children”.

Presuming typo and you mean months rather than years, because of years - something has seriously gone wrong over the years op that you are in this position

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 02/09/2022 10:25

Stop doing as much for your very capable dc..they all need to get pulling more weight! Get growing in your large garden op!

SunflowerSue · 02/09/2022 10:26

I just feel I neglect the teens. I know they have little interest in me but I feel I've disconnected from them and the rift between them and DP doesn't help.

OP posts:
Creepymanonagoatfarm · 02/09/2022 10:28

Weekly family tea? I have teens and left home adult dc. Tuesday night we all get together and take turns cooking. We have a family chat for catch up news and daft meme sharing etc..

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2022 10:29

I don’t get why you’re with him. He’s racist and homophobic and lives in a shit hole, your friends don’t like him, your children don’t like him. You don’t live together so he’s not even contributing financially. Why do your children ever need to see him? You’re actively damaging your relationships with them by keeping him around. It’s very hard to see why. Do you think it’s okay to think non white and gay people are lesser? Really?

Good luck with the new job.
Stop cooking for your kids.
Encourage older DD to move out.

Azerothi · 02/09/2022 10:31

Dump the boyfriend. How can you condone his horrible attitude to other people, honestly? Why do you stay with this current boyfriend? You sound way overinvested in this relationship.

SunflowerSue · 02/09/2022 10:35

I often wonder why I'm with him. He gave me warmth and fun and an escape when I was on my own with young children. They got on well then. He's definitely become more irritable as he's aged but then his ageing makes me feel I can't abandon him now. We share a lot of common ground and we laugh a lot together.

OP posts:
WaveyHair · 02/09/2022 10:36

Your DP appears to be the, or an issue, here. No one likes him, your DC or your friends. Maybe there is something in that? Maybe they are not judgy but seeing things from a different, clearer viewpoint.

Your teens can start helping out with meals more and spend the time normally spent with DP on something more positive for you. even a relaxing walk listening to a podcast would be better - take DC with you.

Wnikat · 02/09/2022 10:36

If your children and all your friends don’t like your DP have you considered they might have a point?

Shinyandnew1 · 02/09/2022 10:41

Why do you need your 23 year old to mind an 18 and 16 year old?!

Dump the boyfriend, help your eldest move out, reclaim a bedroom for yourself and start a mea planning and cleaning rota for you and the two youngest! Has the 18 year old got a job?

SunflowerSue · 02/09/2022 10:41

Of course I have considered if my friends have a point. However I reckoned I got more out of my relationship than they imagined. I could see the good in DP and to be honest a couple of my friends are with less than ideal partners. In fact the one in the most dysfunctional relationship is the most understanding it has to be said.

OP posts:
latetothefisting · 02/09/2022 10:43

Try to look at the positives - the job sounds like a good move - plus once you're "in" with the NHS you should have lots of opportunities to move within it to other, better paying jobs if you want to. Hopefully as you say you will find it much less exhausting than retail which may give you a bit more energy.

You can gain even more time and energy by stopping doing so much for your kids- if they don't want the meals you cook then have a discussion and they can each cook one or two meals a week. Or you start having a big meal at lunchtime at work and just something easy for tea, let them sort themselves out.

A 23 year old doesn't need to be around to "mind" 16 and 18 year old siblings, and at least you will have a bedroom and some privacy when she moves out.

When the younger 2 move out yes you might struggle to afford to keep the 3 bed BUT you will be in a really good bargaining position in relation to house exchange if you are willing to swap a 3 bed for a 1 or 2 bed as larger properties are so in demand. You might be able to get somewhere really nice that you can have all to yourself - imagine the peace and quiet!

You haven't presented any positives at all about dp so I personally would really reexamine what he brings to your life and if its only negatives, or the positives are outweighed by negatives, perhaps rethink the relationship. You seem to think of the time spent with him as a break but not a particularly positive one - you could spend the time instead reconnecting with old friends, with your dc, making new friends at your new job, starting a new hobby (doesn't have to cost anything!). Going for a coffee and having a belly aching laugh with some mates, or wild water swimming might be much more fun and healthier "breaks" from the drudgery of everyday life than spending time with a grumpy old racist in a smelly hovel!

SunflowerSue · 02/09/2022 10:44

18 year old has anxiety issues and has been a hermit in her bedroom for a few months. We've been trying to find something she can do and inspired by some threads on MN I think we've finally settled on the Open University. Hopefully she'll get some sort of part time job too but the financial hit of her not being either in full time education or full time work and contributing has been difficult.

OP posts:
SunflowerSue · 02/09/2022 10:46

Oh latetothefisting that did make me laugh. Grumpy old racist in a smelly hovel. Indeed.

OP posts:
Midpmcoffee · 02/09/2022 10:52

SunflowerSue · 02/09/2022 10:46

Oh latetothefisting that did make me laugh. Grumpy old racist in a smelly hovel. Indeed.

If I was a teen and I was sharing a home with my mother’s partner who was like this…. I would feel angry and let down by my mother for making us all endure this

Midpmcoffee · 02/09/2022 10:53

You’re on the sofa in the lounge.

where is he?

how many bedrooms does your property have?

SunflowerSue · 02/09/2022 10:55

Midpmcoffee · 02/09/2022 10:53

You’re on the sofa in the lounge.

where is he?

how many bedrooms does your property have?

Try reading my OP. He has his own place. The smelly hovel

OP posts:
BodenCardiganNot · 02/09/2022 10:55

My children used to like him but with age have become extremely anti. He liked them when younger but is always critical

Read this back to yourself. You will lose your children too if you don't dump him.

Midpmcoffee · 02/09/2022 11:05

SunflowerSue · 02/09/2022 10:55

Try reading my OP. He has his own place. The smelly hovel

But if he’s “always critical” of them - he must spend a heck of a lot of time at yours.

anyone “always critical” of my children - would be out on their ear

Petronus · 02/09/2022 11:07

Dump the boyfriend. Help your 23 yo move out and get yourself a nice bed and a proper bedroom. Look at your new job as an opportunity, nhs is a massive employer, you could move on to something else with more hours, more pay in no time. Your house sounds potentially idyllic with a large garden in a village, so maybe reframe your thinking on that. Pp is also right that it could give you great potential for a swap. Your 18 yo doing OU also sounds like a great idea. Basically you are at a point of change, which is always scary, but I reckon if you push on through and make some tough decisions you will come out better the other side.

SunflowerSue · 02/09/2022 11:16

It has really helped to vent and get replies, thank you. I'm off to indulge in some RL activities (housework) for a bit.

OP posts:
AntiHop · 02/09/2022 11:24

Dump him and you'll see your relationship with your kids improve. When I was a young adult my mum had an awful boyfriend. It was more extreme as he threatened to hurt me but she stayed with him as she was scared to be alone. He had no redeeming qualities. I'm still angry 20 years later.

Hoppinggreen · 02/09/2022 11:31

It sounds like there are a few things that you could improve . The easiest and most obvious is to dump the Racist who is alienating your friends and family.
From can work through the others

MolliciousIntent · 02/09/2022 12:41

The problem with having a racist, sexist, homophobic partner is that people around you will assume that you share his views. Because if you didn't, you'd have told him to get to fuck.

By putting up with his abhorrent views, you're basically endorsing them. People who know you both will assume you're just as racist, homophobic and sexist as he is. That's probably why you don't have any friends and your kids don't want to spend time with you, to be honest.