How often do you see your children once they are Uni?

[CateringForThree]

So I don't have much of a referrence point as my parents were overseas when I was at Uni. So I only saw them once a year for a week or two plus weekly calls. This carried on for the following 20 years or so.....

But how often do you expect to see and be in touch with your dcs whilst they are at Uni?

dc1 is moving out in a few weeks. He has a gf that he wants to see.
And he is looking horriffied at the idea that he might need/want to actually use a phone to stay in touch 🙄
So what do you consider a minimum re staying in touch (and how)?

I used to call my parents every Sunday. I’d then see them perhaps one weekend during term time. Plus Christmas Easter summer holidays (although I’d be off visiting friends a lot)

I hope my dc will be the same but they don’t go until next September.

Is he at Uni though? We see ours at Christmas and Easter and in the summer. But that’s because he has to move out of uni accommodation!
When he actually leaves home we won’t be seeing him here that much.
We text rather than call when he’s away. He’s an adult with his own life and it’s much easier to respond when we have a moment (rather than making time to call).
It also is up to him. I didn’t want to be the demanding parent texting all the time. So at the first break I asked if I had got the balance right and he would like to have more or less contact. He said a bit more. (That was lovely!) Often it’s just a pic of the cat or what his sister has been doing.

I have dd's. One is 2.5 hour away she typically comes back once or twice a month but she has a bf here, before she met him it was one weekend a term plus Xmas, Easter, summer. So we would see her every 5/6!weeks. We speak in phone couple times a week and message too. We also watch a tv show together once a week via face time.
Second dd is an hour away she usually comes back about twice a month and we talk/message most days.

DD1 moved about an hour and a half away, we saw her about every 4-6 weeks, either she came down or we went up. Then used messenger to keep in touch, generally when she had a problem! I'm not sure that we physically spoke on the phone more than half a dozen times.

DD2 is moving much further away, she is just about to start so not sure yet what will happen.

A lot of messages seemed to be domestic questions - how to cook things, pictures of food asking if it was cooked, what to do when the oven broke etc. So you may find you hear from him like that.

I think you will develop a system that works, it will just take time to settle in to it. Don't expect too much in the way of long phone calls, quick messages may be your best hope

In terms of physical visits a lot will depend on distance, transport available and whether they need to vacate their accommodation in the holidays.

The difficult part is sitting on your hands when you want to be texting them every day to say good morning, or what’s on your agenda today or where did you go out last night or have you made any friends yet…..

Don’t be that parent!! Tell them you are there 24/7 if they need you, that a proof of life message once in a while would be appreciated and then let them get on with it. Done it 2 times round and it is hard, but you will get used to it (and even find the home visits a bit annoying 😂)

We only see DS at the 3 holidays in the year, and even then he’s off to the girlfriends.
He answers texts days after we text him.

My kids and step kids aren't at uni but they have all left home. We text several times a week, I see them about once a fortnight, sometimes more as they all live locally. They often come over to stay the night with their partners. They are nice people and we all enjoy each other's company.

DC 5 hours away. Comes back once or twice a term usually hobby related. We have a family WhatsApp chat which gets used for recipes, silly photos and general chitchat- sometimes lots, sometimes very little. We get a call every 7-10 days. If we’re lucky, it’s a video call.

Thing is these days tech makes it so much easier to keep in touch (which can also be a bad thing!). I normally text DD most days and she calls when she needs help (mild SEN) or wants a chat etc.
First term at uni I visited in Oct and then saw her again at Xmas. A new chapter!

Phoned parents once a week.

My mum would come visit once every couple of months. I went home for holidays in the first year, then just went home at Christmas other years.

@VanCleefArpels , sounds like good advice "proof of life" messages is an excellent term which i will use.

We live abroad, so was over five months before we saw eldest thanks to Covid, and then almost a year before I saw her again. Youngest got stuck here with us for 5 months last year, and she has been here since April this year. They are both here at the mo, but I guess once they disappear this month I won’t see them until Christmas.

DD is 6-7 hours on train. I don't really have an accurate measure, due to circumstances

Year 1, Returned Xmas. We visited February. Then lockdown.
Year 2, returned home after six weeks, as restrictions tougher where she was and she could come home, study and continue with her lockdown job which got her out.
Year 3, abroad. Returned Xmas. We visited April. Passing visit on way to holiday with UK friends, early August. Returned from abroad end August.
Year 4, we're expecting her to return Xmas, but that'll certainly be only time we see her until early June due to cost of living.

We track them on life 360 - reality is we checked frequently they were still alive at the beginning rarely looked afterwards. They are more curious about what we are up to. Ds is bad at WhatsApp but he likes to call when he’s strolling to lectures and will make appts to speak to dh for help with his course content, Dd will call me for practical advice and course help - no expectation of frequency. They come home for the big holidays and if we can find a weekend that suits us all, we’ll visit them - it’s a long drive. We really don’t like to make any rules for communications or visiting - but we’re there if/when needed. Dd couldn’t speak to me directly for the first month - she felt too homesick, we left each other voice mails on WhatsApp - and that seemed to work well, thankfully she got over that stage - was so proud of her doing that!

Texting you a couple of times a week plus replying to your initiated texts. Weekly phone call.

Seeing them at some point in the three breaks. And more if by mutual arrangement you go and stay near them for a few days.

Thank you all.

dc will be 2 hours away and will only need to vacate student hall in the summer.
my expectation so far is that I will see during his hols (so Christmas, Easter and the summer - even though he might decide to stay at Uni at Easter re exams….).
I know he is already saying he will be back before that for his hobby 😜😜 but I also suspect he will want to spend the rest of that time with his gf - which I suspect I will find even more frustrating tbh because this will mean I won’t see him at all even though he will be ‘at home’.

He has already been away most of the summer and is crap at keeping in touch despite a family WhatsApp….

The difficult part is sitting on your hands when you want to be texting them every day to say good morning, or what’s on your agenda today or where did you go out last night or have you made any friends yet…..
Yep, I can see that! @VanCleefArpels .
That’s also the reason why I started the thread. I’m trying to gauge how much is too much or too little of that make sense.