Parenting Help

[confusednewbie]

Please help as I am at my wits end and don’t know what to do! I am a single parent to four children after splitting from their dad due to dv. They have 0 contact other than the odd text where he is messaging to manipulate them into finding out what im doing. Anyway…

The older two are incredibly aggressive with each other. They hit each other all the time to the point where I am scared one of them is going to get hurt. DD is 12 and DS 10 and honestly the physical ways they are with each other are horrendous and it doesn't matter where we are they will do it especially DD.

I dont know anymore how to tackle this. I take devices, i remove treats, i have tried to the nice approach of sitting them down and explaining the impact this has on everyone else and I have repeatedly attempted to show them a different way but it seems so engrained. I could really do with some advice. Does anyone else’s children behave in this way and do you have any suggestions on how to cope? Id love to think it was just a phase but they’ve been like it for years.

Nobody? Struggling so much x

I didn’t want to leave this. If you are in London, this looks like the kind of thing you might need?

dvip.org/supporting-parents/therapy-for-children/

If not, please contact your local Women’s Aid who will likely know what is available to you locally. Or your school might be able to help, if they know that the children have been exposed to violence at home.

I hope you get some help

Thanks i’ll look at something like that. Any idea for strategies I can use in the meantime?

Definitely sounds worthwhile sharing your experiences with school and asking for some support.
As for strategies - I know it can be counter intuitive but try to avoid the negative cycles of taking things , making threats and sanctions. Catch them when they're behaving well, make a big deal about how proud you are of them getting along and try to give as much recognition as you can for positive behaviour. Even if they're just sitting there quietly celebrate it. Some might suggest adding a little treat, maybe a pocket money bonus to reward and incentivise , which might work in the short term but is unlikely to be a long term solution and shouldn't be relied on. Your positive recognition is most important, it might take a few weeks but hopefully it might help. And seek the support mentioned above.