To drive or not to drive

[Scaredcar]

I had 2 car accidents as a pedestrian when I was a child and then few close ones as an adult, my grandma tragically died in one as well(separate), my uncle also(but it was apparantley his fault as he was driving under influence)so I’m not keen on driving at all. Actually I’m scared shitless of the thought of me behind steering wheel but the more time goes by, the more I see how difficult it’s making my life given it’s very clear that my baby’s dad is going to do absolutley nothing about pulling his weight in childcare(he knows how to drive but says he’s”scared to drive with LO”or that I would”annoy”him. Clearly he doesn’t think about how LO and I are managing, he’s off to work and we don’t see him from noon until next day)and even without the school runs, our LO is participating in 3 classes that all take a bus ride that it takes us more to go and come than he spends in the class.

I know this all sounds very privileged but it definitely wasn’t always like this, actually I’m a somewhat typical story of parent who had very little(incomparable to average UK living standards)and I want my LO to enjoy activites I couldn’t when I was a child so this whole time wasted on travel is actually very important to us. Also I’m in the process of trying to separate from partner so I wanted to take the chance while we’re on good terms to learn to drive(since he offered)but he won’t help me with it at all, I can consider myself lucky if he doesn’t make it an issue keeping LO while I go for tests and that he doesn’t stop paying for them halfway(speaking of which, I assume it would be helpful for me to drive when looking for a job sometime in the future).

Is it worth the time to learn, cost to maintain it and the stress of actually driving?
How long would it take to actually learn driving and then be ready to drive with LO?
I am so sick of all the time wasted spent waiting for buses and being late because of bus that I am willing to go against the fear-just I’ve no idea where to start 🙁

I've lived with and without a car, and the amount of time wasted without a car is huge. Unless you are in central London, you will probably need transport, especially if you expect to be a single working mum.

Without a car we could not live where we do, and would be limited where to live by access to a decent school. I could not do my job because I couldn't get there,.

I'm not someone who insists on driving everywhere. I have a bike and happily cycle anywhere within about 15 miles, but until workplaces commonly have showers that's no use for work. I had a child seat on my bike while DS was little but traffic can be very dangerous.

If you have the choice, learn to drive. You don't need a big car, small cars are less expensive, easier to maintain, run, insure, park, less a target for thieves. And they give a massive level of freedom.

Perhaps try a few lessons and see how you feel.
If its a good experience, then an intensive course might be good if you can get childcare.

I was always terrified of driving, the thought of being in control of a car made me feel sick, I have 4 kids and have now been driving 3 years.
It's the best thing I did, it's so much easier to get around. I wouldn't be able to work where I do without a car.
Go for it

Depends where you live. If you're in a city/plan to live in a city long term then you can get by without a car. If you're somewhere without good public transport (sounds like you are?) then learn to drive. It's really helpful to have a car to practice in outside of lessons, so if your partner has offered to help you do that then I would go for it.

Having a car is very expensive though (I have just passed my test and bought one), so be prepared for the cost.

There are many models of how to live comfortably car-free.

Outside of big cities, even.
You would need to see opportunity not obstacles in that, though.
Your partner sounds a bit useless, tbh.

You could take taxis to the classes - is still likely to be cheaper than lessons and owning a car.

I was just thinking this morning driving to the shops how glad I am I finally learnt to drive. I don't know if I'm ever going to feel 100% comfortable with driving, I had lots of anxiety and panic around driving. I tried to learn with my mum, rather aggressive driver, then H who was a jerk about it, then a driving instructor, finally another driving instructor that I'd heard from a friend was really good and understood anxiety. It took maybe 6 months, I started when pregnant and got my licence before baby was born so couldn't have been much longer.

I'd be pretty much stuck at home without it, but that's partially due to a physical disability so I can no longer walk to the bus stop. I wouldn't be able to see my specialist after she moved offices, takes 1.5 hours each way on the bus, 15 minute drive. Public transports pretty bad where I am. It would be an extra worry on my mind if I couldn't drive, I have a lot of medical appointments, DC therapy to get them to, one especially couldn't cope with catching the bus.

I am currently learning to drive. I did start learning at 17, almost 15 years ago.

I kept stopping because it scared me. Roundabouts terrify me. My current instructor is so patient and is really helping me with my confidence.

I simply have to learn because of work and I’m going back to college to do an apprenticeship. I have to drive because of my job.

don’t leave it until you have no other option, give it a go and see what happens. Have a few lessons and see what you think. You might surprise yourself x

I would really struggle without a car. Though round here we are in the minority in having just one car between us rather than two-
do still use public transport a lot as well as my own two feet and/or bike.

but anyway. By all means have a few lessons but be very aware how much driving costs especially when you’re just starting.

you’ll probably do better but it took me 88 lessons until I passed my test. Then you obviously need to buy car. It will need taxing , regular MOTs/servicing and most of all insuring which for first time drivers is astronomically expensive. If you’re a bit older than the average leaner though that will help

it could well be that a few taxis here and there would be much cheaper than learning to drive and getting a car. But also, learning to drive is a very useful life skill

I would learn to drive. You might find that being the one in control of the car gives you confidence and reduces the scariness.

obviously it makes day to day life easier but it is good to have a second driver in the family in case of any emergencies too.

if you find that you really can't do it then it's easy enough to stop.

I lived in London for a lot of years and it wasn't until I moved (aged 29) that I started to think seriously about learning to drive. It opened up a whole new world for me and I am so, so glad I did it. I now work for a great company whose HQ is in the countryside (not easily accessible by public transport) and live semi-rurally. Holidays in the UK are a million times easier and then there's just the day to day stuff like school runs or being able to buy heavy stuff and not have to get a taxi home or pay for delivery.

Your anxieties around accidents are obviously very real but statistically, are very slim/unlikely to happen. If you decide to learn, just practice being a safe driver, stick to speed limits and if you encounter a nutter/road rager on the road, just pull back and leave them to it.

Try on an automatic. It's much easier in that you have to think less about the actual driving of the car you are in, giving you more of your brain to think about the road, and other cars.

No gear changing- both hands on the steering wheel at all times. If possible, an automatic handbrake too.

Definitely try an automatic! Electric cars are more like automatic anyway, so it's better these days.

And don't hang around, there's a big delay on getting lessons, as all the Covid teens catch up!

Give it a go. It puts you in a much stronger position in lots of ways!