What on earth is she asking me for?

[SpeechDisorderedSpeech]

DD is 8, going into year 4 next week.

She has some SN; Dyslexia and most likely DCD/Dyspraxia (she’s down as dyslexic with general co-ordination and memory difficulties currently). She struggles with most thing to do with reading and writing, she also has memory issues. She also has a speech disorder where she struggles to articulate exactly what she’s saying.

It’s just me her and our pets at home so there’s a lot of 1-1 time. She’s been at holiday club a few times over the summer (9 days) but mostly at home as I work TTO.

We’ve had a couple of local days out to get uniform and shoes etc. She’s had a new bag which we chose together, walks and drives to the local supermarket just the two of us. We had 1 big day out with a friend and her DD at the beginning of the holidays where we drove separately and met up at the zoo (so a couple of hours together in a car), we also have two days out planned next week before she goes back to school (Thursday). We’ve also done 2 Brownies Interest Badges together and borrowed my grandparents garden when they went into hospital for routine surgery (with their permission) and practiced her gymnastics and invited a few friends for a picnic.

Recently her mood has been horrendous, she keeps screaming at me that she wants 1-1 time with me, when I point out all the 1-1 time we’ve had she says it’s not the same. I ask her what she wants and she just says time, I want time with you.

She gets very frustrated when saying it and then ends up screaming it at me, which is not the way to with it. Some of it I think is hormones and trying to get out of housework/homework/tidying.

For context she does see her dad, EOWend for 1 night only and she does often get confused about where he goes. Although she told school in Year 2 that she never expects him anymore.

Thought I’d ask if anyone else has any ideas what she might be asking from me before I go in with the consequences?

Does she have a 1 to 1 TA at school? Or does another child in her class have one?

I just wondered if she wants to do the things she or another child does with their TA?

@PyjamaFan She has 1-1 for English/Literacy (25 hours a week) and does small group with a TA during PE for speech and reading help sometimes thats 1-1 sometimes with 1 or 2 of her classmates.

Maybe that's what she means?

shopping for school stuff and groceries isn’t just time with her though as you aren’t just focusing on her.

Would she be happier snuggled up watching a DVD with you? A trip just you and her to the cinema? All the other stuff is doing necessary stuff rather than time together.

Do you think she just means time hanging out/cuddling/doing nothing? No plans, no activities, no friends just the two of you doing nothing?

When the two of you are at home together, what does that look like? Does she feel she is left to entertain herself a lot?

Sorry thought I'd said;

At home we bake, we do craft of her choice (which the Brownies badges where), we watch films or TV together, we just "chill" with no plans or anything where we build things from Lego although she doesn't like me playing with her a lot as I do it wrong.

Could you pick a time when you're both at home, no other commitments/chores to do and say 'DD, it's just you and me, I have nothing I need to be doing. What would you like to do together?'

Let her completely decide (within reason) and just do what she wants. PPs have suggested she maybe just wants to sit and feel calm with you, watching a film or just chatting. Is it maybe a reaction to going back to school? Maybe she just wants to talk about her anxieties?

Maybe because she has the one to one at school she wants the same from you at home. As a working parent ...it's not possible! Seems to me like you're doing as much as you can. You could ask her what ideas she has for the 2 of you spending this time together that she wants? Maybe she's just feeling a little apprehensive about the new school year. I know the second half of the school holidays has always been a bit difficult with my DC. Fear of returning to school even though after a few days/weeks they settle back in to routine.

Thank you @WhatWouldHopperDo and @Tilda77 I think anxiety about the new school year is a good shot, she's always pushed back against being organised, she hates it, has got into a few sticky situations at school in Year 3 where she was told to put work somewhere and lost it because she didn't want to do it so anxiety about being organised might be it.

It sounds like you do a lot OP!

Perhaps she's attempting to articulate that she'd like to be with you but not doing an activity or a day out etc, just something guided by her where she feels the attention is on her and not on the activity. Doing nothing with you essentially with no expectations of what she wants to do or watch or see etc and then in this time she might feel calm enough to articulate more detail about what she wants it to look like.

It isn't the same scenario but we have a nephew with some complex needs and something that helped him was that we all made up a 'menu' of things - basically a laminated book of the usual activities in words and pictures - foods, places to go, cuddling at home, alone time, reading alone, be read to etc. We also put in it emotions with pictures he could point at how he felt.

Once he became familiar he got a lot of relief from being able to communicate much better what he needed much more quickly before he became upset.

Now he's a bit older we essentially do the same but also use WhatsApp emojis and communicate on WhatsApp if he is getting stressed or unable to specifically articulate his needs in thebmoment. It takes the heat out of it and gives him time to respond and communicate without worrying about finding words etc and without an audience. It's a useful aid for him and helpful for all of us.

@dontgobaconmyheart that sounds like a great idea, she had speech therapy as a toddler and I still have the face cards with emotions on so I will get those out thank you

As others have said she might be anxious about school- is she maybe asking to be home educated or for you to be her 1-1 at school? That's why she is saying 'it's not the same' when you go over what you've done at home together?

@Justacoupleofbiccies thats a good point about the 1-1, I actually work in a secondary school so she maybe thinks I can be her 1-1. Some things to ask her about thank you.

They all seem to be 'big' things that you've done - and maybe they blur into one for her?

Perhaps you could create some sort of scrapbook diary together with pictures of things you do, big and small, drawings, crafts, stickers, little bits of writing, cards, etc, as you go along - then you can have a quiet time looking at what you did last time, then start recording what you're doing now? That way she gets reminders of the special things, the small things and you have another activity that's more like 1-2-1 at school? If she likes, it could be good to include her days with her Dad so she can see where he's around.

@NeverDropYourMooncup Scrapbooking I love it! I have a printer and always take photos and she got a keyring maker for her birthday in July so can always turn her favourite photos into keyrings for her school bag (she's allowed 1 small keyring on a bag for school). Thank you

Have you asked her what she wants to do with you during this time?

I don’t think doing errands or riding in the car to an event with other people there would count as time together for some people.

@unname Yes she says time with me, we've also done things at home like baking and crafts of her choice. She does play and I do try but she doesn't really like me playing because I do it wrong, but I'll be in the room chatting to her while she does.

I'd be thinking it's getting almost impossible at school at she's feeling the stress of returning. Being unable to read affects everything, absolutely everything. Counseling at an early stage can really help girls with ASD - worth considering.

It sounds like you don’t have many set activities where the goal is just for you two and only you two to hang out
it’s work, or being home anyway or travelling to another activity. - this all sounds great! But as it’s not quite hitting the mark could you have a dedicated evening to make popcorn, watch a movie and maybe do nail painting or drawing or something else she’d like? Or go out for a coffee or food together and just sit and chat

or could she mean she wants you to 1-1 help her with homework and do educational activities? Could you get some activity books?

Whatever it is it sounds like you make loads of effort for her and it’s lovely she’s trying to articulate her needs and that they seem to involve wanting to spend more time with you!

I have an 8 year old and her behaviour hasn’t been great recently. She doesn’t have any learning difficulties that I am aware of. I definitely think they go through a hormonal change at the point.

Might be well off the mark and I haven’t read the full thread… but what about asking her to draw a picture of what she means?

Your list of the time you spend with her struck me as weirdly empty and dull. Its all when you take her somewhere else..

She is a single child with one parent; no wonder she is lonely and bored at home. She wants you to play with her, engage with her, talk to her.

You sound similar to me and spend most of your time just you and her.

I think she’s confused in what she’s saying.

You need to try and help her work out what she means.
I love the idea of the emotion cards.

You could actually make it a game - ask questions like watching TV? And she holds up an emotion card, going to the park, sleeping in your own room, going to holiday club, going to school, going to daddy’s etc each time she can hold up an emotion card and hopefully it she holds up a negative emotion you can talk about it.

I do wonder if it’s something like going to her dads or starting back at school.
I would say it’s definitely got something to do with a time when you’re not there.

I know I get anxiety as a teacher starting back at school.

TTO means term-time only?

Maybe she's telling you about how she's scared of losing the one-on-one time when you both return to school/work because she's so enjoyed the time you've spent together during the holidays.