Not replying to texts - is this a brush off?

[Glitteringapples]

Just wanted some perspective here. Is this mum just really busy /scatty or is she unhappy about her son’s friendship with my son?

Back story; My 11yr old has mild SN and attends a mainstream school. He is a lovely boy but because he’s emotionally a bit younger than his peers he doesn’t have a huge number of friends so the ones he does have are incredibly important to him. He has one best friend that he adores and often asks for play dates. I try to arrange about one a term outside of school hours with his mum, but every time I do my texts get ignored for days (sometimes weeks) if there is a response at all. We have had a few successful play dates (always at ours) but organising them is always a bit stressful as I never know if I’ll get a response whilst my DS literally begs me to text again (I usually limit it to two texts as I have some pride).

When we do get a response it’s always … sorry I didn’t respond sooner and she sounds genuinely happy to have a play date but am I being naive? Is the non response a brush off or because she’s got a lot going on? She runs her own business so I can imagine she has a lot in her plate but it takes less than a minute to send a response surely? If it wasn’t that my son is so attached to his mate I wouldn’t bother and I’d call the mum out for being rude but as my son’s feelings and friendship are on the line I feel I have to tread lightly. What would you do in this situation?

Ring instead, at least you can leave a message then, maybe suggesting a specific day.

Chat on the school gates?

I have thought about this but I think she’ll say she’ll get back to me about her son’s availability and then won’t as this is what happens when I ask her in the playground after school.

I’m considering speaking directly to her to say something like.. ‘whenever I try to arrange a play date with you I find you are very slow to respond if you respond at all. I’m concluding from this that either you are really busy and it slips your mind or that you actually are not keen to encourage a friendship between our children. If it’s the latter please will you let me know so I can cushion my son’s feelings and help him move on? He finds making friends more difficult than most children so I need to handle it carefully but I’d rather know than bother you with texts that you don’t want to respond to. ‘

I wouldn't send that text @Glitteringapples - no good will come of it.
Do you ever get to speak to her ? I feel a face to face may be better to explore the options. Also although the play dates are incredibly important to your DS, they are likely just an admin task for her to confirm a date.
Does the other DS seem to enjoy them as much as your DS ?

She will be hugely defensive if you say that and it will likely ruin the friendship for your son totally.

Do you ask directly "would Jim Bob like to come over Afterschool on Thursday until 6.30pm. I will give them tea" or more generic type of message asking about the possibility of arranging a play date?

The direct date and time is better. Everyone knows where they stand then.

rookiemere - I was thinking of having that conversation face to face. A big part of me just wants to know what is really going on as it’s an issue that is likely to continue for a while yet. They will most likely be going to the same secondary school.

I’d say the child enjoys the play dates (I always make a effort to plan an exciting activity /nice food etc) but that the friendship is more important to my son than him. He has other friends he is equally close to inside and outside of school.

FirstAidKitNowPlease - a mixture of both types of message I’d say… sometimes it’s an open invite for a week of the holidays/ sometimes more specific invite eg - we are off to the cinema at the weekend would xxxx like to come?

My DD has a very close friend who lives literally about ten doors away from us - I get on well with her parent and her dad even works with my DP sometimes, so I know there’s no problems there. And even so we still take ages to reply to each other and sort out meet ups - we’re just always rushing and trying to organise stuff and those things just slide down the list.

Should I read anything into the fact that he never gets invited back to their house?

@Glitteringapples No advice, sorry, but I can totally understand your perspective on this. It all sounds very one sided, with you putting in all of the effort and not getting much back.

Some DPs just aren't very good at organising play dates, or hate the things so don't.
It sounds like you're reading the situation correctly and I suspect the DM may be spacing out the visits deliberately- which tbh I think is fine as it sounds like her DS has a wider circle of friends.

I’m sorry, but I think you probably nailed it with the the observation that the friendship means more to your son than to his friend. Not to say his friend doesn’t enjoy your ds’s company, but there doesn’t seem to be the same drive there to facilitate the friendship.

The thing is, by 11, the friendship thing is usually out of parents hands. I found it impossible, for example, to cheerily drag my dc to play dates where they had to just play with the dc of my friends (while we had coffee and chatted!) beyond the age of about 9. Also happened the other way round, I’m sure, and it did become awkward sometimes. If the friend isn’t pushing his Mum to organise play dates with your ds, it’s not really for her to persuade him at his age.

Tempting though it is, I really wouldn’t tackle it head on. I think it will make any potential awkwardness a lot worse, without improving anything from your ds’s pov. I think you just have to play it by ear and keep inviting periodically. Maybe nurture other friendships at the same time?

I think, unfortunately, she is telling you she just can't be bothered or is not interested. Just back away for your own & son's dignity.
She'll contact you if she wants to arrange anything.
It's frustrating waiting for an answer, friendship shouldn't be hardwork.
DD & I have learnt the hard way.
'Never make someone a priority when they only make you an option'.