How absolutely terrible do these thoughts make me?!!

[Ponkeyy]

I can’t admit this to anyone. My parents aren’t bad people, but abused me when a child, they were quite young and had a lot of money, and I was often left, hit sometimes, extremely emotionally abusive and constantly compared with my sister who ironically didn’t achieve what I went on to achieve (that I know now matters not, happiness before achievements). to be balanced, I’ve been given a massive help financially and my parents can be thoughtful and kind… as with anything, things aren’t one way or another and that’s probably why I feel such guilt here. I’ve been labelled the black sheep all my life and still am. I was apparently a nightmare child and now if I make any mistakes as an adult I’m also a nightmare adult. Any second I slip up, it all gets thrown in my face.

they continue to live in this very selfish way. I had a termination two years ago and it destroyed me. For around six months I struggled a lot, no idea how I managed to hold down work. During this time my mum called often but couldn’t come to my house as 35 miles was too far. They since refer to this time as ‘remember what you put us through you made our lives hell’

I have thoughts ALL the time that I wish something terrible would happen to them so I could have the high and mighty right to judge them at their lowest. I want to be the person too busy to be there when they need me. And to make the comments they have so freely made about me.

I hate that I have these thoughts. But they’re true and I can’t share them because how awful does that make me. I am a mess.

Oh OP you aren’t a bad person! And your parents aren’t not bad people, they are abusive shits. I would really encourage you to speak to your GP about accessing a therapist who specialises in trauma. I would aLao encourage you to consider going NC as it will be so difficult to recover while they are still abusing you.

I had abusive parents and I regularly hope they will die even though I am NC. It is normal not to wish good things for people who have abused you.

@DreamingofItaly2023 they’re not terrible though honestly I don’t think they know what they did.

I just wish the tables would turn for once

Your parents ARE bad people, it is them not you who is at fault here. I would encourage you to seek help too, you don't deserve to live with self loathing for your thoughts, your thoughts are completely understandable and many who have lived through abusive parents feel the same way you do.

You know, you say they aren't bad people, but they have done and continue to do some pretty bad things.

You know what your thoughts make you? Human.

They treat you badly. Giving you money doesn't make up for that. It doesn't make them better people. It may well make them people that will use the fact that they gave you money against you in the future, if they are not happy with you for whatever reason.

I don't think this is a healthy relationship, and you need to consider what you are getting out of them being in your life.

You're not awful, you're just trying to cope with the things they continue to put you through. Abusers generally aren't horrible all the time, that is why people stay with them. You say they gave you money - that is a good way of making them look good and controlling you. If you criticise them in anyway then no doubt you're ungrateful and 'look at all we've done for you'. So it prevents you criticising them and allows them to feel good about themselves while they abuse you.

You don't need something bad to happen to them though, you don't need to stoop to their levels, you just need to step away. Free yourself.

Honestly? Your parents aren't going to change so you should seriously consider returning the money and telling them to fuck off. That would be a very positive thought to have (and act on) as you will never have peace with them in your life.

It is so good that you posted here.

My parents aren’t bad people, but abused me when a child, - as others have said, they probably are bad people and they have certainly exhibited bad behaviours.

I am a mess Have you ever had counselling? Because it sounds like you really need it. Hopefully you can afford to go private but if not at least get on a waiting list. This will really help you to sort the wood from the trees and calm down your thoughts.

In the meantime, for goodness sake, go LC. Do not share your thoughts, plans and achievements with these people. See them very rarely.

Please keep posting.

Your parents ARE bad people. Certainly they were bad parents to you as a child and continue the same patterns of abusive and shit behaviour now with no growth or improvement, or acknowledgement of the damage done to you.

Go LC with an eventual goal of NC and get therapy with someone qualified to deal with family abuse and trauma.

You can heal from this but only if you choose to stop letting them have any power over you as an adult.