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What good thing happened after your world had fallen apart?

22 replies

ningosh · 30/08/2022 21:47

Just that really. I’m such a mess and life feels BLEAK.

OP posts:
BackToGoingOnHoliday · 30/08/2022 21:52

I found I had a darn sight more resilience than I realised. Read a lot on psychology , got some counselling, found some good friends. Treasured anything pleasant no matter how small. Do yoga. All of these things enrich my life and help me cope with the crap that most people have no clue about/ very little capacity to understand

If you give more detail, someone might have practical advice.

ningosh · 30/08/2022 21:57

@BackToGoingOnHoliday just everything is awful. Money, family, work, ex being absolutely awful. I can’t sleep. I feel mentally unwell I’m so broken. Life is just horrendous

OP posts:
wheresmymojo · 30/08/2022 21:59

I was in a psychiatric hospital for 3 months in my early 30's.

I was very sure that I wouldn't make it to 40 because I couldn't bear to stay living.

I thought my whole life was over, couldn't see a way out, my career was doomed and I'd never meet a partner.

Three years later my career was fine, I was marrying DH and buying a family home.

Not to say there haven't been plenty of bumps in the road but definitely not bleak!

(And I turned 40 two weeks ago!)

ningosh · 30/08/2022 22:00

@wheresmymojo thank you so much that has given me so much hope

OP posts:
Rounddog · 30/08/2022 22:04

Great post @BackToGoingOnHoliday and I agree. I did the exact same. I learned a lot about psychology. I learned even more about people, human behaviour and human limitations. I learned a hell of a lot about boundaries and self care. It is still a work in progress but I know how to be mostly content in life. I know how to recognise and emotionally shut out evil behaviour. I know how to walk away from toxic situations and toxic people and know that even though it will be difficult and some times excruciating I will be absolutely fine. I can tolerate a lot of emotional pain. I learned how not to be the victim in my own story and to be happy enough being the bad guy in other peoples tales.

There are always bleak and dark days but like the ebb and flow of the tide they come and they go.

ningosh · 30/08/2022 22:06

These dark days are not getting better

OP posts:
BackToGoingOnHoliday · 30/08/2022 22:06

Who can you get advice from?
Citizens Advice Bureau for debt?
Occupational Health for work?
GP?
You can get counselling on NHS - takes a while - but the one I have is way better than the one I was paying for

Make a plan. Work towards solving one problem at a time. Value yourself

bloodywhitecat · 30/08/2022 22:08

DH died six months ago, before that he had cancer then a stroke so life hasn't been the greatest. On Monday I was walking with my 2 year old when he saw a dog down by the shoreline and he wanted to go and see what was going on. He usually hates water but, for some reason, was drawn to the water and this dog. The owner threw a stone in and the dog leapt up and landed with a splash. My little one squealed with delight, I have never heard him as happy as he was in that moment. I have learned a lot since DH got really sick and died but the biggest thing I have found is that there is a chink of light in every day.

ningosh · 30/08/2022 22:09

@bloodywhitecat I’m so sorry. Xx that sounds like a wonderful moment

OP posts:
goldfinchonthelawn · 30/08/2022 22:20

1st time life fell apart when the man I'd just crossed the world to be with told me he'd met someone else. As he was telling me, my phone rang with an amazing job offer. I honestly think if that hadn't happened I would have lost the plot.

Second time was after a pile up of bad stuff: two deaths of close loved ones, DS2 getting diagnosed with two serious life long medical conditions that made him deeply unhappy, and the long term project I'd been working on folding just before it was due to launch so all the work went down the pan and I had nothing to show for two years of slog. All while battling severe post viral fatigue. I put on a stone in weight. I took DC to school and crawled back to bed, day in day out. Six months later I was working on the most exciting best paid project of my life, which was short term one-off but led to some more long term, lovely projects I've worked on ever since. And for the first time in a decade was off anti depressants and had finally shaken off the post viral fatigue.

TBH, I know a few people who have had the darkest worst times of their lives, ending up dangerously depressed, who hangin there and then their lives flip and great things happen. I won't give details as it could be outing, but this has happened to someone close to me recently and it is so good to see. From everything looking absolutely hopeless, to everything looking totally fine. That's how life is. I read the other day - you don't get through life without loss - it is part of life. Whether that's loved ones, jobs, homes, money - sometimes life pulls them away and it feels forever. But it does roll around again and new good things happen.

SilverLiningPlaybook · 30/08/2022 22:25

I met my husband at a very low point in my life. Another relationship that I had invested everything into emotionally failed and I was at rock bottom. Things had been very very hard for several years and I was not expecting to meet anyone . It just happened and my whole life changed.

Moonface123 · 30/08/2022 22:43

l lost alot of my fears because l discovered l was actually alot stronger and more capable than l gave myself credit for, but l wouldnt have came to that conclusion if the shit hadn' t hit the fan.

ningosh · 30/08/2022 22:55

Thanks. I honestly feel I’m in a nightmare. Life is so difficult at the moment and has been all year

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CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 30/08/2022 23:01

I was accepted on an oversees proramme to work, which was very exciting and I thought it would be the springboard to the future I hoped for. The week before I went, I was run over and the wound took over a year to heal. The opportunity was gone, I spent all my money during my recovery and was broke. I had to get a crappy job I didn't particularly want.
Things limped along for a while (literally and figuratively) but slowly improved, eventually I met my husband and I now have a nice life.
I occasionally wonder where I would be if it wasn't for that sliding doors moment of getting run over (it isn't often the trajectory of your life changes in a single identifiable moment) but not often as I am really happy now (life still not plain sailing but I have the important things)

Rounddog · 30/08/2022 23:16

That sounds so tough @ningosh I think when something(s) cataclysmic hits things do take a while to change. But people genuinely do adapt even to really, really bad situations and also circumstances do change around us all the time.

Obviously I don’t know your situation but your OP was looking for hope and while no one can predict your future there is hope out there, things turn around and circumstances and fortune change for people every day. You just need to really really mind yourself while you are walking your way through the worst part of it.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 31/08/2022 07:25

If you're having financial struggles I know of some potential sources of support which I could send you links to (genuine official ones not some dodgy chance to work from home).
Do you want to share any of the things that are affecting you? Maybe we could help?

ningosh · 31/08/2022 08:14

Thanks. It’s mostly emotional to be honest. My whole world has been ripped apart. My background is such that my family can be arses about how things look socially. V v middle class. And my ex has left me pregnant with our other dc too who is 2, they haven’t seemed to notice he’s gone. But now I’m being hounded by solicitor asking to set up finance arrangements. We are not married and he’s a high earner so I guess he’s trying to negotiate but I’m just finding that aspect hard and quite nasty. My mum made a horrible comment to me when she knew I had been contacted in that way. I’m drained. My dad went so mental he had left me that he actually banged his fist on my feet (they were under a blsnket) while he knew I was pregnant. Due to money issues I now have, my family have given me some money but I feel utterly beholden to them in a way I never did before. I’m terrified for the baby as I’m not eating much or coping. Ex won’t tell me plans about the baby or seeing our two year old until I talk to his solicitor about finance so that’s making me stressed too. My life is one massive mess, as my mum keeps telling me

OP posts:
ningosh · 31/08/2022 08:17

I wanted him to see dc but I’m now quite scared of him and what he’s capable of given this letter and last night I was honestly hoping he might die. Then all this would stop. How awful does that make me. I just want it all to stop I can’t cope.

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BarrelOfOtters · 31/08/2022 08:21

Got counselling through my work. Leant heavily, probably too heavily, on some good friends. Tried to eat well and exercise. Tried to get out in nature. But didn’t bear myself up if I just needed to stay in bed for the day.

Husband was going through a bleak time too with grief at the same time, and he took antidepressants which helped him.

we moved house, change of scene, got a garden, a dog….we are out more. We worked through it. It does get better, whatever it is you are going through will pass, and you’ll back on it like some kind of bad dream.

PeterPomegranate · 31/08/2022 08:43

Wrote a reply and lost it and now my train is about to go into a tunnel!

im so sorry. You’re dealing with a lot. I hope some of the stories give you hope.

your husband sounds callous. I don’t think you’re a bad person for q wishing him dead in the moment. As long as you’re not planning to kill him.

GlueyMooey · 31/08/2022 08:45

Your situation sounds terrible but it sounds like the type of thing that will settle down in time. You really sound like you have everything going on at once. Have you got friends to talk to?

Are you living with your parents.

Anyone would find it difficult in your situation.

bluejelly · 31/08/2022 09:11

Oh your poor thing. What an arse your Ex is. I would recommend legal advice and counselling as first priorities.

If you are looking for a success story - I found out my ex was unfaithful when my dd was weeks old. I was an unexpected single mother with nowhere to live and had to move in to a tiny flat with my parents. It was so tough and I cried a lot. Felt so humiliated and distraught.
But you know what, it all turned out great. My dd built a wonderful relationship with her grandparents. I went back to work and found my Mojo. Started online dating, had a couple of relationships and quite a long time being single before meeting my now partner. We have been together 15 years, are still very much in love and get on extremely well. He has been a great stepdad to my dd and (I hope) I have a great relationship with his kids (now grown up). And my daughter is smart, confident young woman. So don't despair. It will turn out alright I promise.
But please do sign up for counselling and legal advice- both were life-changing for me.

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