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No more bloody gingerbread - neighbour driving me crackers

28 replies

margaritaville7 · 30/08/2022 18:37

I have a very kind but intense neighbour. With hindsight the warning signs were there when we moved in 7 years ago - she turned up to introduce herself and said she'd had a walkthrough of our home already. She and her husband don't have children and are a lot older than us. They've also always lived on the street.

I will chat to most people, so at first it didn't bother me, and we'd have a chinwag if we bumped into each other on the street from time to time - or borrow tools etc from each other. There's a bit of beef between the old-timers on our street, so we purposefully kept the chat light and breezy. During covid she and her husband were very reclusive and we didn't see them for the better part of a year. But now she's back... with a vengeance.

I get doorstep visits nearly every day. She used to kind of respect boundaries - and would only ring the bell once and leave, if unanswered. Over the past couple of months she'll repeatedly ring it until I answer. The topic of chat usually starts with something light and topical but increasingly she repeats stories she's already told me or goes into theories of neighbours hating them/historical street disputes - which sometimes descend into her weeping. She'll do this with me one day, and then I'll catch her repeating the same thing with my husband the following day.

She knows I work from home, but saying I'm on a work call makes no difference and sometimes I have to be very blunt. Sometimes DCs are kicking off/dinner time/bath time and getting her off my doorstep is nigh on impossible. She used to occasionally drop off gingerbread for DCs. This is now her MO - she'll appear wanting to offload under the guise of bringing us gingerbread (we don't need any more bloody gingerbread). It sounds creepy, it's really not, she's just a lonely person who possibly needs mental help - but she's driving me fucking crazy.

It doesn't bother my husband so much as he only wfh 1-2 days a week so it's not so intense. I'm working full-time from home, DD are 6 and 4 - time really isn't something I have an abundance of. I got home from an appt this afternoon and was on a call on my mobile. There was a packet of gingerbread by my doorstep, so she must have buzzed so much my neighbour answered and let her leave them. (We have a dodgy doorbell in our building, so if it's rung repeatedly it will ring the other flats too). Within 2 minutes of me getting into the flat she was buzzing my door repeatedly again and I could hear her saying to my neighbour "I just saw her go in". We have a video doorbell but annoyingly it doesn't always catch her so I can never be 100% sure it's not her or a courier etc.

I don't want to be unkind but the unsolicited visits are eroding my work time (I've just started a new job) and personal time - and I feel like she must often be watching me, to be able to appear at such opportune moments.

Has anyone else had something like this with a neighbour before? Any recommendations please? I'm losing my fucking mind!

OP posts:
HappyMaltesers · 30/08/2022 18:47

There is no fixing this. You just have to move. Sorry.

HappyHamsters · 30/08/2022 18:53

What sort of accommodation is it. Is there a management team who could get the doorbell and video bell fixed. Would your dh ask her why she comes round so much.

DatingIsDifficult · 30/08/2022 18:55

My relative is like this. Just be blunt. Say you’re working, can’t talk, and shut the door. It’s the only thing that will work. Seriously, just shut the door. If she repeatedly rings just say ‘why are you doing this? I’m working, that’s why I can’t open the door’ then shut it.

PlanetNormal · 30/08/2022 19:07

Sometimes in life, OP, you just have to be blunt with people. “Sorry, I’m working. I don’t have time to talk to you, and I don’t want any more gingerbread.” Then just shut the door in her face.

Offandonagain · 30/08/2022 19:10

HappyMaltesers · 30/08/2022 18:47

There is no fixing this. You just have to move. Sorry.

🤣 Have you been reading the MN crap advice thread?

excitingusername · 30/08/2022 19:36

You're at work - it's that simple. Repeat - you're at work - she cannot disturb you at work. She does not understand work. Repeat until she does and tell her you will not longer be answering the door because you. are. at. work.

Why are you agonising. Communicate efficiently and bluntly and tell her she must stop calling.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 30/08/2022 19:39

Stop fannying about and being polite. Tell her to go away because you're busy. She'll fixate on someone else.

PlanetNormal · 30/08/2022 20:18

HappyMaltesers · 30/08/2022 18:47

There is no fixing this. You just have to move. Sorry.

Sometimes I genuinely think there are people on MN who are so wet that they would actually move house rather than be forced to have a difficult face-to-face conversation with someone.

MargotMoon · 30/08/2022 21:40

I don't want to be unkind but...

...you are going to have to be! It's really the only way. Your time is stretched and she is not getting the hint so you need to be blunt.

Best of luck with it.

mondaytosunday · 30/08/2022 22:28

Tell her you work from X to Y and then you have the kids to take care of so you can't always answer the door. Tell her you appreciate the gingerbread but really you have had enough and please do not bring any more around. You have to draw a line. She may be offended or whatever but that's her problem.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 30/08/2022 22:41

You have to be beyond blunt I'm afraid. We have a very similar neighbour who started this when we moved in and progressed to ringing our doorbell in the middle of the night. She was clearly distressed the first time, so my partner went to help (turned out there was nothing wrong) a few more nights and it was me that answered the door - DP had a stomach bug. 3am, I opened the door and immediately said 'He cannot come. He is ill. He is being sick. He cannot help you.' no sorry, no smile. I was pissed off. That was the end of it. We're still friendly when we're out the front, but she leaves us be now when we're at home.

Cherrysherbet · 30/08/2022 22:52

She’s being rude and very inappropriate.
I know it’s difficult and awkward (I would feel the same) but you are going to have to be straight with her.

This will only get worse if you don’t bite the bullet and make it clear to her.

Thelnebriati · 30/08/2022 22:54

I'm guessing she's fallen out with everyone else and now its your turn. Its very sad, but you can't fix her because she wants everything on her terms.

BreatheAndFocus · 30/08/2022 22:59

Bright, breezy - and bloody brief! “Sorry, Liz! Really busy here. Can’t talk. Take care. Bye!” and shit the door. Subtlety doesn’t work. You have to be what you think of as abrupt.

BowiesJumper · 30/08/2022 23:04

What’s her husband like? If telling her to lay off doesn’t work, could you ask him to talk to her?

GinIronic · 30/08/2022 23:16

The next time she comes over, tell her you are busy and shut the door in her face. You need to be blunt to get through her thick skin. She is exploiting your politeness and kindness to walk all over you.

figmaofmyimagination · 30/08/2022 23:20

Don’t order anything online for a few weeks (so you can be fairly sure it’s not a courier at the door) and just completely ignore the doorbell. Unplug it even, if you can, just for a few hours each day.

During this period of a few weeks, do not give in and answer, even once, or you’ll reinforce her belief that if she just rings one more time she’ll get what she wants.

Brigante9 · 30/08/2022 23:22

I think I’d ring on her door and say that she must not ring at yours anymore because she’s interrupting your work. Ban her!

VanillaIce1 · 30/08/2022 23:40

We had this with our neighbour. She was the same age as us (20s) and was knocking 2-3 times a day to borrow stuff and it was a nightmare. Didn't mind at first but then it was constant. I then made the mistake of swapping numbers one day and I'd get texts also.
One day she knocked but I didn't realise and my husband was watching football, some one got sent of.
And he shouted out fuck off mate or something. Anyway by the time I see her waking away from our drive, she had clearly heard it and has never knocked us again 😂. Try that maybe.

FlorencePennnywell · 30/08/2022 23:55

Does she have dementia? Sounds like it from your description of her behaviour

Just treat her kindly but firmly. You don't have to open your door to her when you don't want to, so that's a good starting point

badbaduncle · 31/08/2022 00:02

Tell her
'Oh you won't believe what's happened, I'm in trouble at work for missing a call
When we were talking yesterday.' Then feign fear/anxiety when you see her and scurry off.

Leafy3 · 31/08/2022 00:08

Tell her she needs to text first before she comes over. It's the MN way.

Seriously though, I agree with others. Firm politeness is the way to go. And maybe have a chat with her husband - or relative if you know of them- it does sound a bit like dementia.

MsBullseye · 31/08/2022 00:18

Tell her your kids are gluten intolerant so they can't eat any baked goods
She sounds a bloody nightmare
Good luck

excitingusername · 31/08/2022 00:30

Leafy3 · 31/08/2022 00:08

Tell her she needs to text first before she comes over. It's the MN way.

Seriously though, I agree with others. Firm politeness is the way to go. And maybe have a chat with her husband - or relative if you know of them- it does sound a bit like dementia.

A text before she comes over??? That's way worse, who's got time for that nonsense! This is a serial botherer, you don't encourage it by phone too!

stayathomegardener · 31/08/2022 00:43

Put a big do not disturb,working sign on the door and fling it open whilst pretending to talk on the phone if she does.

Tell her to quit because you can't do your job properly.