Tormenting myself re mum’s dementia

[tomissmymum]

I’m driving myself absolutely insane . I had pre existing MH issues but in the last year they’ve spirallised .

DM was diagnosed with early onset dementia in June, I’d been her sole carer at that point for 25 years - since I was tiny - very long and complex history of mental health issues and personality stuff and very hard if not impossible to tell where that ended and dementia began . Codependency apparently .

She was taken out of my care at the end of May because I was absolutely exhausted and it was no longer safe for either of us .

Since then I’ve been completely bereft . All I’ve ever known is helping mum or even if I’ve had other stuff I’ve always had to worry about mum . Now I don’t have to at all because she’s in 24 hours care but I’m lost and so scared .

I keep thinking, if I’d been more patient or more understanding or more capable or done this that or the next thing maybe I could have slowed things down but I don’t know .

Reached crisis point this morning and feeling I almost can’t go on if life isn always going to feel this way .

I’ve spent the last four hours trying to find someone to speak to in r/l - rang her GP (who said to ring any time for a chat) however receptionist there saying they’re a bit behind with mum’s care now as she’s been inpatient for four months so best to talk to facility she’s in just now , I did have a chat with them (care home) and they were kind/tried to reassure . They did say she mentions me in conversation which has frightened me a bit as I’m worried she’s thinking I’ve abandoned her . Have rang my own GP too . I’ve also messages a relative and a couple of friends to see if they want to go for coffee or talk on the phone . My GP previously said if it reaches crisis to go to A&E but I’m not sure it’s that bad yet .

I don’t know how to reassure myself that I’ve done all I could . The only person who could reassure me really is my mum, but she’s not able to now, and I’m not sure what to do for the best .

Sitting on floor waiting on GP ringing back (mine) and really, really don’t want to be alone, is anyone about?

Oh bless you, OP. I'm sorry you feel like this but, given how caring you come across, I'm sure you did everything you could for your mum. Sending you a big hug.

You've done your absolute best for your mum, and she really is in the best place to get the specialist care she needs and to stay safe.
What's your life been like outside of being a long-term carer? Do you have any hobbies, tv shows you love, apps you're addicted to?

Thank you … outside of being a carer .. I’m at uni (hanging onto it by the skin of my teeth at the moment, I’m going to have to repeat a year but will only have one lecture a week until Christmas) . They’re trying to get me involved in voluntary work through them just now which might help.

I used to love scrapbooking, going out for coffee/lunch, swimming, going to the beach .

I’ve got thousands of my mums photos to try and organise somehow !

I need to try to get used to a life without mum which is incredibly difficult to do, but have to .

Maybe sorting out the photos can help you get back in to the scrapbooking. What field is the volunteering in? Is it related to your degree?

I need to try and get used to a life without mum

You have your mum, she's just being looked after by full-time professionals now, which is what she needs with her dementia. Her condition has progressed further than is possible to deal with at home, by you or anyone else who might find themselves this situation. You did everything, probably more, than most people could have done.

I worked in a care home for years, and believe me when I say that your Mum won't feel abandoned by you. One person can't care for someone with extremely complex needs, and she's now being looked after by a 24/7 team and she's physically safe. My Dad has been ill over the last few months and thankfully he's now in hospital where it looks like he's been completely misdiagnosed/neglected by his GP. I've told my sister that he has to have care in place if he's to come home - we think he's been overdosing (accidentally) on medication as he hoards it everywhere. Even with 2 of us, we can't keep him safe. And ultimately, that's what matters.

You're on a different path now, and you've never put yourself or your needs first. Of course it's going to feel as if you're all at sea. Just take it day by day, and start to realise your worth isn't related to your ability to care for your Mum. You've done an amazing job by the sound of it - be proud of that but now is the time for your life to be lived. Take it, and enjoy every moment.

Call the gp and say your in crisis and need the mh crisis team to call you asap but certainly by tomorrow lunchtime.

I used too work in dementia care ,it's a difficult job for nursing staff ,it must be ten times harder caring for someone you love with Dementia, you did your best for her ,you can visit her l now and just have time being mother and daughter ,obviously depending on the type of dementia she has it can present differently, but people can good days with the condition.

Right. I think counselling might help you.

Sounds like you have absolutely nothing to be guilty about. You have had to take your mother's role and look after her instead of her looking after you - now it's time for you to enjoy your own life, do what you want to do, and still see your mum, but knowing that she's safe and looked after.

I can see this will be a big life change, but it sounds like your mum is in the best place.