DS(7) hitting me and saying he hates me

[Anywhereelse]

DS(7) has gone through phases in the last couple of years of hitting me when doesn’t get what he wants, and/or saying he hates me. This is always when we are not at home - so out in public. He’s well-behaved at home. It’s when he wants something like sweets or a toy and I say no - he has a relentless thirst for both. He never does this to his DF - only me.

He is told “no hitting, it hurts” and I will walk away or ignore him. I have really told him off sometimes but I think you should ignore as he’s looking for a reaction? I have spoken to him when he is at home and calm about his behaviour and he will only say that he was frustrated that I said no. I have said a better way to express his frustration is to tell me how he feels when I say no, but that he has to understand that he can’t have everything he wants etc.

Its just hideous when he hits me in public or he starts shouting how much he hates me and people are staring. We have removed him from a shop/area before due to the behaviour but he just doesn’t seem to learn.

As I say this has been an intermittent problem- definitely doesn’t happen all the time, and he rarely behaves like this when his DF is with us. How on earth do I handle this?

I'd say sharply "We are going home right now! How dare you behave like that?" and go. And once home there would be a consequence - loss of some privilege for the piss poor behaviour.

He's old enough to know better - he thinks he'll get away with it because you won't want to deal with it in public. Currently there don't appear to be any sanctions for this, except you gently talking to him about it once he's calm.

Agree with @MadMadMadamMim . I've never really understood the advice to "ignore the behaviour" when it's the kind of behaviour that is hugely detrimental and hugely unacceptable. I'd be issuing a very firm, "That is completely unacceptable and we're leaving right now." then leave, with my only engagement with him being to reiterate that his behaviour is not okay. Once home, I'd be inclined to tell him to go and sit somewhere for a few minutes so we can both calm down then remind him that this behaviour is not okay and that every single time it happens, there will be repercussions and they will get worse each time.

I agree with PP, he's not a toddler, at seven with no additional needs he shouldn't be hitting because he's not getting what he wants. A toddler you can outbid the behaviour in the moment, hitting is wrong etc and help them through the emotion they can't process, at seven he knows exactly what he's doing. Is he banking on his behaviour embarrassing you so you give in? Interesting he only ever does it in public

No way do you ignore a 7YR OlD hitting you- that advice is for toddlers. Consequences and punishments is the way he will learn

Also, can I ask - because you get embarrassed, do you find yourself giving in to whatever it is so he stops hitting and shouting? I don't blame you, but honestly that has probably made things worse if it's the case.

I'm not sure this will totally help but try to take it in the spirit its intended:

It's embarrassing that your child is hitting you. But, actually, it's even MORE embarrassing if other people see your child hitting you and then you allowing the behaviour to continue/giving in. Because those people really will be judging your parenting.

Every single time nephew hits SIL and she says "we're going to talk about this" and nothing changes, I judge her far more than when he hits her in the first place. Sorry.

Ignoring the behaviour of a 7 year old is madness. He's not a baby or toddler. There would be immediate consequences for hitting, and suitable, appropriate punishment would follow. You're allowing him to run roughshod over you.

@NotLactoseFree no, I never give in after I’ve said no and never have done. I’m not the type who gives in to stop the behaviour due to embarrassment/fed up of the whinging etc.

@MadMadMadamMim I will take him home the next time he does this. We are due to meet some of his school friends at the park this afternoon with their DM’s and this would be a classic scenario of him kicking off if I won’t buy him something from the kiosk there (despite already taking a snack from home). It will just feel shit to pack up and walk away from everyone with him screeching but have to look at the bigger picture and stop the behaviour.

I’ve lost count of the number of times we have confiscated the Switch due to his behaviour. Going forward perhaps the ban should be longer ie a week

other punishments that may work:

spending 30mins / 1hr/1 afternoon in the room alone
no pudding
no tv one evening
etc.

If I was one of the other DMs I’d be grateful if you removed your DS.
You should be clear from before you leave home that you are taking a snack, will not be buying anything else, and will not tolerate poor behaviour.

Good, you're on the right track then at least. But yes, it may well be that you have to walk away from an event that you were both looking forward to and/or enjoying. Kicking off because he wants an ice cream is not that bad, but hitting and screaming is totally unacceptable.

The problem with things like removing the Switch is that it's one of those punishments that theoretically works but often doesn't seem to. I often wonder if we use it from watching American TV but that it's one of those punishments that work there but not in real life (see also: deep meaningful chats)

For my DC, knowing that we were extremely unimpressed has always been effective. So, for example, the removal from an event and then a refusal to talk/ engage with the child for a period after with none of the positives that come with engagement during that time - eg I wouldn't offer a drink or get one if asked or similar or allow the child to join a game/watch TV etc. Not days or even hours, but enough time (depending on age etc) to make it clear - probably 30 mins to an hour. But I appreciate that some DC don't seem to respond to that. We have also always removed whatever it is that they were playing with in that moment and definitely any items they used to hit/throw or whatever. The removal of the IPAD in the middle of a favourite youtube video or taking away the soft toys at the picnic seems to have more impact than saying "no Switch tonight". Or at least, it does for ours.

Reiterate before you go to the park behaviour expectations and what will happen if those expectations aren't met. Be prepared to leave early and be consistent every time.

How did it go this afternoon, OP? Hopefully if you make it abundantly clear that this behaviour needs to stop right now and these will be the consequences if it occurs - in advance of the situation so he is in no doubt what will happen - then it will help.

Surely he would be mortified to be taken home whilst all his friends watched?