Is this behaviour normal?

[adhdforme]

Every week we FaceTime our parents so they can see the children (their grandchildren). It is a real challenge to carry out. I choose dinner time because both children 'should' be sat quietly at the table eating in one place so I can easily have the phone / iPad on both of them.

I say should, because my children are such a f-ing handful they do my head in. There's never a peaceful meal time. Let alone much peace / calm in my house anymore. Tonight for example they were both sat there when I out dinner on the table but my older son was getting up from the table, laughing at my daughter, eating a bit, getting up to get things, trying to take control of the phone so he could put poo emoji's on his face on the FaceTime call. Meanwhile my daughter was emptying out the contents of a patty bag to show them, talking about poo and just utter non-sense (behaviour and talk she's learned from my son), refusing to eat, yelling and talking over my son and more.

It was just the most hectic shit show of an evening. I get that the dinner table may not be the best place for a call for some people but we've always had Sunday evenings as our time to FaceTime due to time zone differences and just general availability. Anyways, this behaviour carries on at a regular mealtime / afternoon as well.

I said to my husband that it was all very stressful and chaotic, and that I didn't think 'normal' children behaved like this. (I highly suspect they (or at least my son has adhd). He went on to yell at me and put me down and said "of course it's normal." And then told me I've just not spent any time around other children.

So, can anyone tell me if this mealtime behaviour is normal for 11 & 4/5 year olds? Constantly getting up out of their seats no matter how much we ask / tell them to sit down, constantly playing with devices (again while we then take them away!), playing with toys, fighting over the tv, poking at each other and bickering. It's doing my head in

What consequences do you put in place for their poor behaviour?

It's not typical behaviour for a normally developing 11 year old, no.

It's probably within the range of typical behaviour for a 4/5 year old, if there are not clear boundaries put in place/they see an older sibling behaving in this way.

Not normal.

Are meal times genuinely the best time tho. If you're occupied cooking/serving etc and the kids 'should' be sitting eating, it doesn't seem like the best time to be ringing relatives. Maybe sit down 30 mins later all together and you can sit together and focus on the call.

I try and put in consequences. But my husband doesn't enforce them and they go in one ear and out the other with my son.

It's so infuriating because then I look like the bad guy

We're out in the day almost all the time so can't do it then. They're in a different time zone and my mum works during the week so it often is the best time because after they have their pudding and then get in the bath and go to bed and my husband gets annoyed if I do it too close to bed time

Sounds like your husband is more of a problem than your kids.

How does your son behave at school?

Does it happen more when you’re trying to FaceTime your parents? Perhaps they feel on show and it’s all a bit squirmy? I live at a distance from my dgc, can’t remember when I last saw the eldest, I ask DD how he is, how Uni is going etc… Middle one I sometimes see in the background , usually head in a cupboard or the fridge and youngest might shout hello, make a funny face or I’ll just hear them in the background. I’m sure they don’t want to sit in front of a screen and talk to granny. Would it be more peaceful for you to take a few photos of the dc and send those?

Take away their devices before they sit down. Switch off the TV. If they leave the table their meal goes in the bin. Teach them to ask if they can leave the table when they finish. They ought to wait until everyone has eaten before they do so. Do have have conversations at the meal table? Maybe introduce a system where each person gets to talk about their day in turn whilst the others listen and ask questions. Obviously your youngest might struggle with this, but they can talk about the things they have enjoyed. Reflect on the positives of the day. Try to cultivate a calm, happy atmosphere where everyone feels heard.

If your older child continues to behave in a disruptive way you need to work out a system of sanctions and stick to them. Do you cook the meal? If so, you deserve to be treated with respect and courtesy by your husband and children . If the way things are is upsetting you, he needs to support you in changing things.

Most people are generally more reasonable AFTER they’ve eaten. Move the call to immediately after dinner.

It’s great your daughter wanted to show them the contents of her party bag, at 4/5 years it will help if you encourage her to show them something in the call eg a Toy, a drawing etc. At her age, sitting to hold a dull conversation isn’t captivating.

Sorry completely overlooked the FaceTime element. Stop FaceTiming during meals. Do it after everyone has finished or at another time.

He has had some issues when he was younger with attention, focus and behaviour. But is fine now. I think he has learned how to mask his behaviour at school and then at home he just looses all control

Facetiming with both kids together becomes a performance, it sounds like the kids are probably vying for attention in the call. Plus, my kids would take the piss because they'd be banking on the fact that I wouldn't yell at them when their grandparents were listening 😏

I would alternate them each once a fortnight. That way they can have an actual proper conversation with their grandparents, and the whole thing will probably be less manic, and more enjoyable for everyone.

To touch on some of the comments - my husband does not discipline. Nor enforce my attempts at discipline. Instead he yells and gets annoyed at the children and puts them down saying "I bet so and so doesn't act that way" or "you're 11 act your age" or "you can't control yourself" basically he puts it all back on the children.

I tried time outs and asked my husband why he wouldn't back me up. His reply "I don't believe in time outs"

As for our parents. They haven't seen the children in 3 years due to covid. These weekly bi-weekly calls are all they've got. I will try and do them after dinner time, but the children often aren't together then which makes it harder

I cannot get my head around FaceTiming at a meal time.

Let each child take it in turn for a few minutes each week. Not at a meal time. Plan what they will talk about.

Or - Record a video. Send pictures, a make a drawing and send a picture of it. Send a email. Write a letter.

Showing the party bag is great she wants to engage.

Poo emojis is quite naughty but
Normal for an an 11 year old. Get rid of the sibling competition and meal time.

How would you feel if you had to FaceTime your relatives during your meal time?

It must be very difficult to parent effectively when your husband doesn’t discipline your children or back you up. You need to find some way to change this because it’s a disaster.

Why can’t your parents visit now? Covid restrictions are lifted and life is back to normal. Can you visit them?

This all sounds bloody awful. I don't really get why you are persisting with this face timing at mealtimes thing if it's so stressful?

If your kids don't sit and chat on the call (for whatever reason) then what's the point? For anyone?

I hate FaceTime, especially these big group/family chats, so I don't do it. It's not actually essential, so maybe the kids would prefer a one on one chat on the phone instead? Or just a one on one FaceTime? They could do a watch party thing and sit and watch a tv programme together instead, or have the grandparent read a story over FaceTime to the youngest. Try something new.

My kids are young so it would be exactly the same experience and I just wouldn't bother, but the eldest will sit and chat if he's on a call by himself, instead of just messing around and either fighting for attention or just being silly. Could you do that instead?