How to be a better mum and wife. Failing miserably

[crappymam]

I’m just feeling crap, my house is disgusting again, actually getting dirty rather than messy now. We’ve no clean clothes left in wardrobes/drawers, piles of clean laundry baskets from weeks ago getting smaller after never being put away, dirty pile built up to the point it’s intimidating me. Dishwasher from 3 days ago to be unpacked, dishes strewn everywhere. In my defence it isn’t normally this bad, most jobs are done daily including all dishes and clean work tops but it’s all getting on top of me at the moment

I also feel guilty that I’m being a bad mum, firstly by him being in this state of a house with no clean clothes and then I feel guilty I don’t play with him enough and just shove him in front of tv and scroll on my phone. I have days where the house is spotless and I sit and do activities I’ve found on Pinterest with him (still always end up on my phone) I just can’t seem to maintain it

Every couple of weeks I will have a huge clean that takes all day and I’ll do 10 loads of washing and scrub every room mop all the floors and then I just don’t stay on top of it. It builds up and up until I have to do another all day clean. The 10 loads of laundry never get put back. I vow to put my phone away and be more engaged with my toddler and get bored and end up back on it. It sounds like depression but it isn’t, I feel sad because I feel guilty that I can’t be this best version of me all the time with a clean house and happy kids that have enough attention paid to them I don’t even enjoy slumping and being on my phone and being surrounded by mess - it makes me miserable

I have a husband that does a lot, he works 45 hours a week and still cooks half the meals, does most of the bed time and bath times, all garden stuff, we have a beautiful house and it’s upsetting to him I think that I’m so chaotic and messy and unorganised with it. I’m pregnant but I won’t use that as an excuse, I’ve been messy since long before this and have had the issue with phone usage in front of my child since they were born. I don’t want to be like this when i have two of them! I sometimes wonder how often my toddler sees me on my phone and what they think about why I’m so much more engaged with that than with them

you can be harsh! I think I need it but I need a system I need some way of getting out of this slump and not just forcing myself to not look at my phone but actually just becoming organised and engaged and being a good mum, a good wife. I feel like I’m a mess!

OK, I totally get this. Start by putting a wash on, unloading and reloading the dishwasher. Give the kitchen a tidy and wipe.

I like The organised mum method. It's not perfect but if you follow it fir 30 minutes a day Monday to Friday you will be in a better position. I do this- each day you give the bathroom sink a wipe, wash up/wipe down. Run hoover over downstairs. Then up to 30 minutes on 1 room. I dont do all the jobs every week (such as washing throws). On Fridays 1 room (it alternates) gets a 30 minute deeper clean. You pay for the app but I think its worth it. 5.99 I think.

I’ll have a look, thank you. I’ve googled it a few times but never looked at putting it in place or wanted to pay for the app but i think it’s time!

What about making a timetable? Eg.
Monday - clean kitchen
Tuesday - vacuum
Wednesday- laundry

Also, what about going out on walks or something with your child and leaving your phone at home? That way there’s no way you can get distracted

You sound like you've got ADHD TBH.

Also when you mentioned the phone usage about being bored, do you do anything for yourself or is life just one long miserable alog with your toddler? Maybe you need to be getting out a bit more and doing stuff for yourself.

Adhd overwhelm, sounds like. So.

Have a shower. Do one tiny job eg folding a couple of towels. Finish that, congratulate yourself, do another. Have a cup of tea. Never look at the whole. If you do one little thing at a time it all gets done and you can think more clearly.

Phone use, I remember finding hard when my dd was young and tbh boring! I used to listen to the radio or audio books to zone me out of the mundane instead.

It sounds like you're an all or nothing personality, I'd suggest setting a time you can be on your phone, e.g. after lunch for an hour, and a time that is dedicated to an activity. Perhaps try to read a book or magazine at other times. Don't try and cut it out cold turkey and turn into supermum, it's not sustainable.

I'd also look for apps that will block your internet or apps after x time.

I second the one above, sometimes the phone scrolling is your mind and body wanting a break from.the relentlessness.

Is there a TOMM knock off app that’s free?

Why aren’t you staying on top of things daily? I think you must be a glutton for punishment if you let you house get so bad it needs a massive clean everywhere all at once. You need to be more proactive and stay on top of it otherwise you will be constantly on a downward spiral. Maybe just do a good clean of one room each day or every couple of days. Or doing 1 big job per day, I.e vacuuming the whole house On a Monday, polishing on a Tuesday, mopping on a Wednesday etc. look to do 1 load each day. Get it on as soon as you wake up (try and get it all ready to go the night before even so all you need to do is press it on) How satisfied will you feel if you can get that all done and when you think about it they are so manageable in small amounts. Even if you just commit one hour to doing a few chores per night when your toddler is in bed and when he comes down in the morning, how lovely will it be for everywhere to be nice and fresh and clean ?

the phone - why can’t you stay of it ? You will never get this time back with your child. Ever. Do you want to not be present when he is achieving amazing milestones? What is more important than your child? Certainly not your phone. I get it - phones can be addictive. But you should be more firm with yourself if you know you’re on it way too much especially to the point you have to put your child in front of a screen too?? Whatever you think is important on your phone or you need to look at .. you don’t. It may not seem like it now but your child is picking up on so much you do and your habits will rub of on him. Tell
your husband to take your phone to work with him if your that bad and get a land line for emergencies.

why can’t you play with him? Go to the park, go for a walk. Take him to a coffee shop, baby groups. Let him lead the play - see playtime
through his eyes. Is he of an age where you can involve him? If so get him to help you with the little chores around the house, let him help you make food (obviously only little jobs.. counting out how many potatoes you need, mixing something ina bowl - make it fun for both of you. And he will love that you are involving him and also learning at the same time so that counts as play right ????

i do feel for you but I think you’re not helping yourself. You can admit to yourself how bad it is so why let it get like that? I get we can get bogged down by things and it can then be so hard to get things done but how good does it feel after you have accomplished some chores?? For me, it’s like working out - I HATE IT and try to talk myself out of it but I force myself to do it because I know how amazing I will feel after. You have to think about how you feel afterwards and once it’s done you realise it actually it wasn’t even that bad !!! Come on before baby number 2 is here, make the most of your time

Very similar i find it hard too. I am pretty sure I have adhd if this is something you think you should look into?

It sounds like you have ADHD and need medication

Don't worry, you sound overwhelmed, but it's all totally fixable. Maybe life has got a bit too samey?
I work part time and really do struggle with my toddler on my days off with him. I start with the best intentions but no one has enough steam to last a whole day, and by mid afternoon (at the latest) I'm scrolling aimlessly while he watches TV. Is he/she also not great at entertaining himself? Mine literally doesn't seem to be able to do anything alone other than watch the tv, so it feels like my only respite. I envy people with kids who will just 'play', but I think some really struggle with alone playing and demand constant entertainment.

So a few things that might help. Instead of trying to force my child into independent play (and Ive really tried, all the tips suggested like Mumsnet, but he is one needy kid) ive accepted that this is how he is right now and needs/ wants this interaction. On the days I have him alone I always make sure we get out of the house and to some sort of organised class or playgroup. At home I always make sure I spend 30 mins really concentrating on playing with him, but I do time it- if I don't I always just have a vague sense of feeling guilty that I haven't done enough. When I know I've definitely done it, it somehow makes me feel like I've done a good job for a set amount of time, and not half assed it, even just for half an hour.
It also kind of sets me up better for the rest of the day, and makes me feel a bit more productive.
Will you child watch TV alone? In which case could you be in another room and do other things then?
Even if not, could you start reading a book while they're watching TV instead of scrolling your phone? It's a really hard habit to break- I think when you're a mum and so tired, your concentration is so limited that mindlessly scrolling is so appealing. But you have to go cold turkey, move your phone to another room and force yourself to concentrate on a book.
Soon, the book will be very engaging and you'll want to pick it back up! And (not immediately) but you might feel like you've had a proper break when reading a book and after half an hour feel more productive.
I can't promise anything! But I do understand that kind of endless day with a preschooler. I admire people who can deal with it in an enthusiastic way, but I really struggle and get very moth eaten at home. If you try and split your day into chunks, you might at least feel a bit more productive and less overwhelmed. Good luck!

I can totally relate to this. As another poster said, an all or nothing person, that’s me.
My house is either immaculate or very untidy with loads of laundry to be done. I’m either on a very strict diet or eating crap all day. I’m Bloody Mary Poppins and doing loads with the kids or I’m vegetating on my phone, doing nothing!

I did find the organised mom app very helpful for a while … but I got a bit obsessed with it ( that all or nothing thing again) and I was hard on myself if I missed a day. Maybe try it but don’t be tough on yourself if you miss a day or two…. It does give great structure to chores.

On days I'm tackling the whole house, I blast cheesy music and do 30-40 minute stents with a reward of a cuppa for a break.
I try to throw on at least a wash everyday.
I empty the dishwasher everyday.
I sweep the floors and clean counter tops everyday.
Anything more than that is a bonus.
A list might help but start small. And reward yourself for small things.

Don’t be hard on yourself, the pressure is real.

small steps can lead to big results.

If your low mood continues, would you consider a gp visit ? Maybe you have low iron, or under active thyroid…. Don’t rule medical issues….. or could be depressed. I think all these things are worth exploring.

I found out recently I was iron deficient and after taking iron for 3 months, I’m finally getting some energy back and not everything is as overwhelming.

best of luck .

Does being a good mum and wife only amount to how much domestic cleaning you can undertake?