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Original poster

Please can someone help with baby arrangements when separated- out of my depth

30 replies

Amoasfl · 28/08/2022 16:36

I know I need a solicitor but can’t afford one. Does anyone have the answers to this?

  1. can my ex force me to notify a third party or a solicitor when I give birth?
  2. can my ex force me to hand over the baby without me there when he has contact with them?
  3. can my ex have the baby overnight?

for clarity I want things to be amicable but he is being really difficult and I am scared about what he will expect next.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amoasfl · 28/08/2022 16:38

We also live 90 minutes apart and he can’t drive as he has a drink driving ban - he’s apparently clean now. Will I be expected to travel?

he has money so could escalate this

OP posts:
Original poster
Amoasfl · 28/08/2022 16:42

Anyone? Impatient sorry!

OP posts:
Tatty3 · 28/08/2022 16:44

Are you planning to breastfeed?

In normal circumstances, with a newborn, overnight contact away from a breastfeeding mum wouldn't be seen as in the best interest of the baby

Interested in this thread?

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Family law Relationship problems
Tatty3 · 28/08/2022 16:45

Would you be willing to have him visit the baby in your home or a neutral venue?

Travel-wise, no you usually wouldn't be made to travel although meeting half way isn't unheard of - again, it's what is best for the child not either of the parents.

Original poster
Amoasfl · 28/08/2022 16:46

@Tatty3 planning to yes. But even if i wasn’t I wouldn’t be ok with this :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Amoasfl · 28/08/2022 16:46

@Tatty3 yes I would meet halfway and he could come to my house.

he is being v v difficult though and I am worried he will say he can’t be in the same room as me

OP posts:
Sirzy · 28/08/2022 16:47

I have no idea as Ds dad didn’t care enough to cause trouble and even with my efforts didn’t bother with him. Look at the charity gingerbread which should have advice which helps you.

if you want to keep things amicable then I would probably tell him but make it clear for the first 6 weeks at all any contact he has to travel to you when it suits you (chances are he will be bored by then!)

try not to let him intimidate you and spoil a special time. Do you have a good support network?

Hoowhoowho · 28/08/2022 16:49

can my ex force me to notify a third party or a solicitor when I give birth?
Not without a court order which is not that likely

can my ex force me to hand over the baby without me there when he has contact with them?

Again only with a court order. It is likely he will be awarded some unsupervised contact from the start unless there are serious safety concerns.

can my ex have the baby overnight?
He can apply for this, it’s rarely awarded for young babies especially if breastfed. He’s more likely to be expected to build up to overnights by 12-24 months with short, frequent contacts.

You can have the baby and then let him go to court for PR and a child arrangements order however at least attempting to negotiate this reasonably looks good to the court

Original poster
Amoasfl · 28/08/2022 16:55

@Hoowhoowho we are 90 minutes apart and he can’t drive due to conviction. How will this be managed?

OP posts:
Original poster
Amoasfl · 28/08/2022 16:55

@Hoowhoowho also thanks

OP posts:
RoseslnTheHospital · 28/08/2022 16:56

Are you married or is he an ex boyfriend? If you're not married then when the baby is born you are it's only legal parent and the only one with parental responsibility until you name the father on the baby's birth certificate. He would need to be at the registration appointment with you or sign a declaration form that you would take with you. (www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth)

So, if unmarried, he can't force you to do anything. Once he's registered as the father on the birth certificate then he has legal parental responsibility and can follow the legal process to be allowed contact. I would expect the courts would want to see evidence of reasonable behaviour from him including having been through mediation before going to court.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 28/08/2022 16:56

I would say 'amicable 'and a' convicted drink driver' won't go in the same conversation...
Nobody can force you to tell him when you have given birth. Only a judge can force his name on the birth certificate..
Post delivery you driving would be a no from me.
Havjbbam abusive man in my home would be a no too.
He needs to appreciate there are consequences to being a cunt.

Sirzy · 28/08/2022 17:01

Amoasfl · 28/08/2022 16:55

@Hoowhoowho we are 90 minutes apart and he can’t drive due to conviction. How will this be managed?

That’s his problem!

underneaththeash · 28/08/2022 17:04

If you’re not married, he has fewer rights.

personally, I would simply ignore him. He has no right to know when you give birth. Do not put him on the birth certificate.

he can apply to have himself added, but it takes time.

do not let yourself be bullied.

Original poster
Amoasfl · 28/08/2022 17:55

So so stressed

OP posts:
Sapphirensteel · 28/08/2022 18:02

RoseslnTheHospital · 28/08/2022 16:56

Are you married or is he an ex boyfriend? If you're not married then when the baby is born you are it's only legal parent and the only one with parental responsibility until you name the father on the baby's birth certificate. He would need to be at the registration appointment with you or sign a declaration form that you would take with you. (www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth)

So, if unmarried, he can't force you to do anything. Once he's registered as the father on the birth certificate then he has legal parental responsibility and can follow the legal process to be allowed contact. I would expect the courts would want to see evidence of reasonable behaviour from him including having been through mediation before going to court.

This exactly.
If he’s b/f register the birth ASAP without him. If he’s b/f you are the only legal parent. Don’t tell him you’re in labour.
Keep a record of any unreasonable behaviour on his part.
This sounds more about control than interest in his child, he’s trying to intimidate you.
Breastfeed if possible as baby can’t be separated from you then.

Stomacharmeleon · 28/08/2022 18:13

Does your ex happen to be a high earner who recently sent you a solicitors letter asking about plans for the baby after its born and asking for a paternity test?

DessicatedWithering · 28/08/2022 18:20

Stomacharmeleon · 28/08/2022 18:13

Does your ex happen to be a high earner who recently sent you a solicitors letter asking about plans for the baby after its born and asking for a paternity test?

And a 42 year old doctor who you reported for drink driving after he accused you of fiddling with birth control?

Original poster
Amoasfl · 28/08/2022 18:23

@Stomacharmeleon hes not a massively high earner but has savings. No he’s not asked for a test?!

OP posts:
HiKelsey · 28/08/2022 18:26

Are you in the UK? Do you not qualify for legal aid? There's a family solicitor on Instagram called legal Queen you can do her and she might offer some advice

gogohmm · 28/08/2022 18:34

Tell him when you have had the baby - basic facts. Don't name him initially when you register the birth - will buy you time. If you breast feed it will help as he won't be allowed overnights.

Don't be obstructive, let him visit you at your home, say overnights can start once you stop breastfeeding. His responsibility to travel to you. You can reasonably say you aren't comfortable with your child in his car once he gets his licence back.

cocogoloco · 28/08/2022 18:38

OP; I ask this kindly, how far along are you?

Just remember you will be tethered to this useless excuse of a man for the rest of your life...

hopeishere · 28/08/2022 18:42

Is this the doctor again? Does he want contact with the baby?

Original poster
Amoasfl · 28/08/2022 18:42

@hopeishere he is not a doctor but works in a law firm so probably getting advice for free

OP posts:
chilliesandspices · 28/08/2022 18:52

I'm surprised he's getting help from the law firm with a drink driving conviction. I worked at one and dealt with the yearly professional indemnity insurance. A drink driving conviction is something we'd have to declare and would have the partners worrying. I wonder if they know. The SRA also take a very dim view on that sort of conduct.