Does everything really link back to our childhoods?

[JessieLola]

Reading an 'agony column' (are they still called that these days?!) in one of the papers this morning, the reader was saying that she felt hurt and let down by her friends, as they didn't seem to care about her life. In the response, amongst other things, she was asked to think back to her mother's death (and a lack of emotional connection thereafter) and also a potential emotional chasm that had perhaps been created in childhood.

(Likewise, a self-help book that I was reading recently talked through case studies of various friendship / relationship issues, all of which could apparently be linked back in some way to childhood issues and roles that people played within their wider families or events that happened in their childhood).

My reaction on reading the article this morning was to think 'well, yes, the reader's hurt because her friends are being thoughtless and don't seem to care about her. It's natural for her to feel like that'. I tend to take things at face value...maybe I'm a bit oversimplistic.

It got me thinking though, when is a problem just a problem or when it is something bigger? How do you know? Obviously, one could have therapy. But how do we untangle what is purely to do with the here and now, and what is related to the past?

I would imagine it’s a case of nature and nurture. Your learned experiences mixed with your natural personality. I think I read the same article and the woman admitted she was flaky then upset that her two friends started leaning her out of plans. I would say if she’d come on here everyone would have said YABVU!!

*leaving

No one can say for sure. There are plenty of theories.

Trauma can change your brain but your brain can also repair it. That's what they have found out in neurological theories with brain scans etc.

Lots of people talk about attachment theory. I personally don't believe in attachment theory. There are lots of holes in it, evidence was not included or misled when the theory came out. People use this theory a lot to say they act this way because their attachment style is avoidance. This isn't proven but fits a narrative so people don't critically examine it and take it as fact as it fits what they already think.

I think if you're hurt as a child the trauma may or may not impact you in later life. ACES are a crude and simplistic tool that says if these things happened then you may die younger, have these issues - I don't quite agree with it as I believe poverty plays the biggest role in a shorter life, MH problems/stress.

Some people love inner child work. If it works for them then great. I don't like the splitting but do like the accepting and loving yourself element of it and think it can work for some people.

Hmm, my childhood was difficult for many reasons, my mother getting cancer and dying when I was very young for one. My attitude though has always been one of Carpe Diem - make the bloody most of everything, grab opportunities, work to make stuff happen etc. Other family members though have struggled with anxiety and depression and feel life has unfairly treated them. They need to blame something/someone. We lived the same early life, in the same circumstances and to many degrees had the same opportunities. So it can't all be down to nurture.