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Original poster

Friends talking about me

18 replies

greenygreens · 27/08/2022 16:40

A few nights ago I was over at a friends house having a takeaway and a few drinks with a few others. I have only known these friends around a year when our friendship group started. Prior to this I never had many friends and suffered with low self esteem and some social anxiety. I have really pushed myself out my comfort zone over the past year and forced myself to be a 'yes' person. We meet up often and I always make the effort to arrange things myself (though quite a few times I've suggested things my messages have went ignored). I thought I had been doing well and kind of 'faked it til I made it' kind of thing being social when it doesn't come naturally. I popped to the toilet while at this friends house and when I came back down I heard one of them say 'she's coming back shh' and then there was an always silence while I assume they thought of a way to quickly change the conversation. I didn't say anything, purely just because I'm not a confrontational person and as they are still quite new friends I didn't know how to approach it. I tried to pretend I never heard it but it felt a bit awkward after that.

We had been having a good night, laughing and joking and I've been wracking my brains trying to think about what they were saying. I've been quite down about it today and feel like despite my efforts I'm usually the one of a group who is a bit left behind, in my early 20's I had a group of friends who wouldn't treat me very well, often all would meet up without asking me and one even stole money from me on a night out, after I realised it was toxic I stopped bothering with them and rarely socialised as I didn't have anyone else or any hobbies at the time to meet people. This isn't a pity party, just hoping to get advice. Should I just forget about this, get over it and pretend I never heard it? Or try and approach it somehow?

OP posts:

MugginsOverEre · 27/08/2022 17:18

I didn't want to read and run. I don't know what to advise. I don't think you would be able to ask the one you're closest to what's going on because they were party to this and it's horrible. As much as I would be tempted to leave my phone recording next time I leave the room, all it would do is cause more pain, hearing what they're saying.

I suppose my only advice for you is to tell you, OP, that you can do better. Dump them. Or if you're feeling particularly ballsy then you could even confront first. Ask them WTF? What did they say and why?

If not, just cut contact. You can ease into NC or do it slowly by responding less and meeting up less and less.

Original poster

greenygreens · 27/08/2022 18:01

I keep thinking I should of just said something there and then like 'what was that?' or something.

OP posts:

MugginsOverEre · 27/08/2022 18:04

It's difficult but what could you have said? What would they have said except a denial?

Do you think you could bluff an answer out of one? Tell them you overheard them talking about you and you want to know why? I don't know what it would achieve though. You may end up more hurt than now.

spotteddicksarebestavoided · 27/08/2022 18:17

Friends and friendship groups are so tricky. I would you forget about it and continue as though you never heard it. This group may allow you to meet and become friendly with others.
I am sorry you are in this situation, but admire your approach.

toetoiseshellclub · 27/08/2022 18:22

Could they be organising something nice for you? Is it a birthday soon? Maybe they are going to surprise you

Lunificent · 27/08/2022 18:23

Either dump them, or use them for company until you find kinder friends.

ermagerdabear · 27/08/2022 18:24

spotteddicksarebestavoided · 27/08/2022 18:17

Agree with this, tbh. It's going to be an unpopular opinion on MN where everyone is saintly and never talks about anyone behind their backs, but ime it's human nature to have a little bit of a gossip if someone nips to the loo or out of the room sometimes. I've done it and I've had it done to me. Most of the time it doesn't really mean anything. If they're still inviting you, they must like you and they might not even have been talking about you. For all you know, they could have been talking about something or someone else.

Surtsey · 27/08/2022 18:28

There are also a few people who will say something like this as a joke, when actually they've not really been talking about you behind your back at all. They say it just as you get close enough to hear. I've been with people who have done this to others, so I know it can happen.

Cavvies · 27/08/2022 18:31

Awww bless.

they might have been saying some mundane, something awful or something insensitive.

NONE of thst reflects on you at all

good on you for getting out there.

whet I have worked out is that I’ve had to meet and try out a lot of friends before meeting really good friends that suit me.

try to shrug it off - onwards and upwards

Cavvies · 27/08/2022 18:32

Sorry awwww bless Sounds unbelievably patronisint! Just meant I empathize!

Thinkbiglittleone · 27/08/2022 19:13

I was thinking maybe it could be a birthday party surprise or something nice for you.

It must be horrible to think they were being mean. If people make you feel shitty, it's best to get them out of your lives, you will be happier without then, honestly.

In this instance though, are you sure it was something nasty.

Original poster

greenygreens · 27/08/2022 19:18

My birthday isn't until March so certain it wasn't anything like that. I could definitely feel the tension afterwards like they realised I'd overheard it. I'm quite thick skinned usually but something about it just feels off.

OP posts:

Cavvies · 27/08/2022 20:00

If it helps OP this will happen to almost everyone at some point in their lives - whether they know it or not. It might be a group at work, social group, hobby group. Groups can bring out gossipy nature in people.

it probably wasn’t something really awful at all.

shrug it off - if you think you’d still enjoy hanging out with them then continue to see them. If you won’t enjoy it then don’t.

plenty more friend fish in the sea 😁

jmhopinion · 21/11/2022 08:14

Be careful not to be paranoid. You really don't know what was being said and in what context. You can't really be 100pc certain that they were speaking about you at all - you could have misheard. By not seeing this friendship group through, you are at risk of isolating yourself. For now, I would try hard to forget about it. Keep your options open and say 'yes' to others to expand your own soclal group. Youve done well in the past year to push yourself outside your comfort zone, dont let social anxiety step in and ruin it for you. Keep on being you - brush yourself down and be bold, but do 1 thing new without any of these women - it only takes another friend to change the next chapter.

PinkPanther57 · 21/11/2022 10:02

Front it out with humour, it happens, it shouldn’t. Wear it lightly. One outgoing friend, when in a ‘group’ would raise a eyebrow archly, smile (when popping to loo) & say ‘don’t talk about me when I’ve gone’.

BobbyBobbyBobby · 21/11/2022 10:18

Sadly they can see that you’re a nice person who wants to fit in and they find it acceptable to gossip behind your back.

MyPurpleHeart · 21/11/2022 11:08

The way people treat you is something that can really stick with you and be hard to shake.

You either face it head on, and ask if there's something they'd like to share, or you ignore it.

Either way, dont settle for shit friends just so you have friends. You deserve better, put yourself out there. Join clubs even if it's not your thing, try things out. Thats how you meet people and make friends. Don't be shy, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, you just haven't met the people you are compatible with yet

Venetiaparties · 21/11/2022 11:44

Op personally this is why I avoid groups and stick to mainly one to one friendships. Groups often implode due to gossip and bad characters.
If there is no one in the group worth salvaging I would keep seeing them whilst lining up new, kinder better friends and then fade out.

If you trust one of them in the group you could try bringing it up with her quietly?
If you don't trust any of them to ask them about it in confidence I would suggest that speaks volumes about what kind of people they are.

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