Constant thoughts and planning to up and leave - do I need help?

[WalkingSeason]

I'm 49 and have a 7 year old DS who I have 50/50 care with the father. I am done in. I just want to run away and escape. DS is being influenced by his father and I cannot take the emotional turmoil. I think daily about either suicide (just to escape it - not as I feel so depressed I need to), or to simply up sticks and move somewhere far away by myself and leave ex to bring up DS. I would stay in touch, and he could come stay if he wanted. I feel like I cannot go on, and I am not depressed or experiencing mental health issues. Oh, and been on HRT 3 months. I just need to escape

Does this sound awful to you?

Anyone done it? Or know anyone who has?

I have no one to talk to about this

Anyone?

You sound like you're in a lot of pain emotionally 🖤

Is it your child you need to escape from or your relationship?

What's causing these feelings?

Suicidal thoughts, no matter how small, need support. Have you told anyone how you feel?

I need to escape everything. My ex and I have been split up 6 years but he is so nasty to me I feel I can't breathe. He is poisoning my son against me and I can't stand the emotional turmoil and questioning when he comes back from his Dads. It affects me massively and makes me need to get away. He's actually a very good dad apart from this so I have no concerns he would look after him well.

The suicidal thoughts are weird in that I am not suicidal, I have been there before with PND and I am not anything like that. I just see it as a way to escape everything, its either that or move far away by myself

That is seriously awful. I think you need some really significant support with this because I don’t think it will be as easy as leaving your child and it all being sorted out. A friend of mine has been in a very similar situation with his alcoholic ex wife. He learned to completely emotionally distance himself from her bad mouthing and also learned to not give a shit about what she says but it took a lot of therapy. Your DH sounds narcissistic. Dr Ramani on you tube is absolutely amazing. It might be a good place to start out.

There are levels of suicidal thoughts though. There's the passing thought with no intention, and then there are more intentional thoughts.

Both types should be treated the same way, because it's a slippery slope from one to the other.

You can call 111 and talk to someone about how you feel. It's like having a broken leg and not fixing it 🙃

I say this as someone who had therapy for depression recently and it really helped 🖤

I think if you can you should take a holiday. I used to find that the best panacea was an activity break so for me that meant walking or skiing.
A change of scene can work wonders so have a think & look up some singles breaks. Even a coach holiday can be fun. Steam trains, Lochs & Glens is popular too. You’ll soon get chatting to folks & the diversion might really help.

I think this is the issue, I've tried to emotionally distance myself for so long and just fought and fought and put up with his constant f'ing shit. I can't take anymore.

Moving with DS is not an option as he would stop me via the courts, and following legal advice, as my main reason is to get away from him and I would move somewhere where I know no-one, I am unlikely to get the court's permission. He has already dragged it through court once and the effect on my was chronic even though I came out in a better position and he got none of the nonsense he wanted

I'll take a look at Dr Ramani

Do you need to speak to your Ex yourself or is it the fallout from your dc. If you have to have any conversations with him could you have an intermediary who would do that..sibling maybe. That may not be possible.
His affect on your child needs to be recorded and l am wondering can a social worker help with this. If he is poisoning your dcs mind he is not a good father and this could be seen as a form of emotional abuse of the child.
Wiser people hopefully will come along to advise on that.
Do you have personal support through friends or family..l really hope you do.

I don't have anyone I can talk to about it. I'm also feeling the strong need to shut everyone firmly out, always been a bit this way

I would love to do a few days away alone and look at some potential locations to move to but ex wouldn't have DS and I can't take him with me as that would be very stressful as he would just want to do fun kid stuff. I have taken him on 2 holidays this summer and while they were goo, they both absolutely exhausted every inch of me

It is usual when you are so drained to shut people out. From my own experiences it is often better not to discuss this level of stuff with friends unless they have had a similar experience and even then it can trigger them and their advice might not apply. It is better if you can to speak to a really good therapist.

There are other options - an example is to take a break of a couple of weeks, I mean if you are planning to move then you can definitely take a break it is just completely understandable anxiety saying you can’t. There are ways you can learn to handle your shitty ex, absolute minimal contact and grey rock being the best. You changing how you interact with him will completely change the relationship between you no matter how he continues to behave. You just have to get out from feeling like he is the one in control of the situation. He only has power over you if you give it to him.

It sounds extremely tough and you are clearly depressed and struggling which is completely understandable given what you are experiencing so dealing with that is important before making decisions about your son.

He is poisoning my son against me and I can't stand the emotional turmoil and questioning when he comes back from his Dads.

What do you mean by this? What is he suggesting and what is your DS asking?

Gosh Op I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time.

As a PP says it’s normal to shut people out and fantasise about running away when you are feeling like this, but it’s important not to

Things I think you should do

Go and see your GP, and get some help, discuss whether medication to help manage low mood might be helpful

Organise a therapist (can you afford to pay for this? It will be quicker) to talk everything through. You need someone to talk to to get all of this out of your head! Contact a few and talk to 3 or so till you find someone you click with. Right now I don’t think approach matters - you just need someone to help you organise your thoughts. When you are interviewing people make sure they can also help you develop practical techniques to help you manage your ex (looking up a grey rock is a good start).

If you can’t afford therapy, get your GP to refer you urgently and look up low cost counselling in your area.

Get a break, ideally 2 weeks (can family help??) but if that’s impossible then get a few blocks of a few days when your ex has your son.

Contact social services in your area and organisations like gingerbread to see about courses to help manage difficult separated family dynamics.

Moving away and giving up your son is not going to be the solution, your Problems will follow you, just with added guilt.

We had a good day together today, DS and I, and he is not coming out with the nonsense from his Dad's mouth today. I will look at grey rock, fascinated, never heard of it and also I have been thinking for months, probably years about some therapy and think actually right now is the right time. I think the feelings will spike again when he goes to his Dad and how he is when he returns.