What age do you stop expecting teenagers to socialise with you? With family and friends.

[Chocchops72]

We have two boys, aged 12 and 15. We live far from family, and they only have one cousin anyway. Neither DH nor I are close to any of our cousins at all. We see grandparents a couple of times a year, as a family. With my sister (who doesn't have kids), she usually sees the boys at my parents place - she and her partner aren't into doing 'family / kid-friendly' stuff, so DH and I tend to see them without the children.

When I was growing up, I think I actively avoiding family events from age 14 - basically as soon as I was old enough to be left home alone, that's what I wanted to do. I'm pretty sure that my parents friend's children also started staying home around the same age.

So now we have several family friends who have children the same age as my children, basically friends that I made when all our children were babies. We've socialised together as families all this time quite happily - usually for a long lunch that stretches into the afternoon. However, our oldest children are now 15 / 16 and I'm starting to wonder how much longer we can 'make' them spend whole days together at our long lunches. They are all friends but they don't hang out together, but also they've never objected to being together all day.

Do you include your children in socialising with friends? Do you expect them to join in / host the visiting teens? At what age does it stop, do you think?

With family then yes they still come with us, ds15 and ds21 when he is home. They enjoy it still and it is part of family life. With friends that we have with kids the same age I would say we now see them without the dc so we can have adult meals and weekends away and we really enjoy them. The dc friendships have changed so they are not so close anymore so it works better.

I ask my teen if she wants to come.
But I do have one friend with a similar age boy that she's less keen on hanging out with.

I stayed at home missing family meet ups a lot as a teenager and really regret it now.
So I always encourage my children to come if they would otherwise just be hanging around.

@Beamur I'm slightly wary of asking the 15 yr old if he wants to come: what if he says no but the friend's child expects him to come and is hurt because he doesn't want to?

Then you simply say your DS had other plans that day. Tell your friend in advance that it's just going to be you this time.

My DS and her child go to the same school , so that's not an option. I don't want to tell him to lie to his friend. I do see this particular friend on my own - it's more that when we get our families together too (our husband's get on really well as well) that it's getting slightly trickier.

Our get-togethers used to feel like extended playdates for the kids, with wine, food and company for us, but the children are rather past the playdate stage unf.

It's not a lie if he does have other plans..

At 15 surely he'll tell you if he doesn't want to come, or make his enthusiasm or lack of it obvious in that grunty way teenagers tend to perfect!

The thing is your ds has grown out of that friendship where as you have not grown out of the friendship with the parents. This is what happened to us with some friends. I think just begin to introduce adult only meet ups and then that will become the norm. You can be breezy and just say oh you know what ds is like, just wants to chill on his own today but let the two of us still meet for a coffee.

if they don't want to do things with the family then im sure they'll make it clear to you, i dont think you need to stress or think into it too much. They always get to a certain age where their really against doing anything with the family as they don't think its cool enough, but they deffo grow out of it as they get to around 18+ I would say in my personal opinion

Mine are 16,14 and 11 and still
come along to meet ups most of them time, if the other child the same age is there.

if they had firm plans on that day, I wouldn’t make them. But usually they don’t and are happy to come.

m I wouldn’t mention it unless you get moaning!

You can't expect them to retain all their childhood friendships, even when it's inconvenient if you are still friends with the parents. Once they start to rebel/refuse, ask if there's any activity they're willing to do with the friends, and then leave it if the answer is no. Sometimes you can make it less of a big deal by having more spontaneous get togethers where they can say yes or no on the spur of the moment - eg anyone want to come to park this evening, with snacks and football, etc.

With family, I'd try to find ways of encouraging teens to keep those connections. Maybe look at ways of getting together that would suit all ages - eg. go to Go Ape, grandparents drink coffee and watch if it's too much for them. Bowling and pizza. Cinema, water park etc. Anything other than expecting teens to sit in grandparents lounge and make polite conversation - it's reasonable to expect them to be polite but they won't exactly look forward to it.

Agree with everyone else. There isn't a specific age. I'd ask them if they wanted to come and not make any sort of fuss if they don't.
Generally, over time, most teens - if not doing anything else - are up for someone treating them to lunch out.
Most will generally say they don't want to at some stage. I'd say fine. Then next time they'd probably realise they would prefer to come than be home alone making themselves a sandwich or beans on toast or whatever.
Never make out like they are doing you a favour to come with you, or that they 'have to' . At this age they need to have some autonomy over their lives, and anyway the last things any lunch party needs is someone who doesn't want to be there.

With family? Not until they leave home and are invited separately.
With my friends? Not sure, I remember going as a child to visit mums friends til we where quite old… will see how they feel as it comes along!

You need to get back into seeing them in the evenings without kids

i have 2 DC 17 and 18. We have a group of friends who meet up for weekends (at someone's house so no accomodation cost involved) a couple of times a year. This has been the case since they were tiny. Typically 4 families. DC are all within a few years of each other. The eldest is 20 and youngest 15. 2 or 3 DC per family, so 10 DC . 3 of the DC are now at university, although they could still attend as gatherings tend to be over Christmas period and early summer. 3 more (including 1 of mine) will go to uni this year. At our meet up earlier in the summer, only 1 of the DC now at uni attended (and her boyfriend came along, although it was at that family's house). Of the other two, one was travelling and the other one chose not to come. Of the school age children one chose not to come. One of mine attended for only part due to other plans.

Mine enjoy the gatherings so default is to come along unless they have a better offer. I would say we encourage them to come but would not force it. I think most of our friends take the same approach. It will be interesting to see what happens next time when more are at uni. I suspect once the number of DC attending reduces too much, all the DC will stop coming. we will see. Also, sleeping arrangements tend to involve DC piling in together on airbeds (or sometimes tents) and that may be increasingly offputting.

When we meet with friends for lunch or dinner (and DC are invited), we leave it up to DC (I cant remember precisely when we started giving them the choice, but i suspect it happened naturally across lock-down, i.e. there was a gap when we socialised less and by the time we started socialising more we were definitely giving them the choice). Sometimes both come, sometimes one and sometimes neither. Depends what the plan is, what other plans they have and who we are meeting!

Both of our families live far enough away that a meet up involves at least a weekend. If we were close enough to see them for an afternoon here and there i would leave it up to the DC how often to attend (as long as they see the GPs from time to time). Because it tends to be weekends, DC will see them when they visit us (although may have plans for some of the time). When we visit them, the DC have tended to come unless away for the weekend. But we are talking a couple of times a year so not that onerous. I don.t think we force them but there is probably an assumption that they have never really pushed back on. When DC1 goes to uni this year, she will do doubt see both sets of families at some time over the Christmas holidays. Hard to say how often outside that, although her uni is not that far from my DP so i suspect they will try to take her out for Sunday lunch on occasion!

My grandchildren at 18 and 14 are chattier now than they were three years or so ago.