What to tell the children?

[strandedabroad]

I'd like to get opinions on how to tackle this.

I've decided to move out with the kids (6 and 4) to give DH an ultimatum. Long story short, he's been unwell for a while but he's refusing treatment. I feel like this is the last card I can play - you either make an effort to get better, or the family is no more (being around him with the kids is incredibly difficult at the moment, he's here but asks to be left alone at all times, although he's out and about and perfectly able to do stuff, so it's not like asking children to leave an ill person alone while in bed etc.).

Any advice on how to tell the children? I was going to say that because Daddy is unwell he needs quiet and rest to get better and we're going to move to a different house to give him time and space.

What do you think?

I'm hoping this will be temporary, that he will see sense and we'll get him better.

That sounds like the right message to me. They’ll take their cues from how you say it, so try to make it sound as matter-of-fact and caring as you wrote it (try to keep anger, resentment or fear out of your tone as much as possible). I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, and I hope your DH gets himself the help he needs very soon.

What exactly is the matter with him?

Where are you going? There’s one of him and 3 of you, it seems very unfair and disproportionate to leave him in the house while you 3 have the huge upheaval of going elsewhere.

I wouldn't be disrupting my children lives to try and force someone to get help when they don't want to. You talk about ultimatum and last card you can play, this isn't a game. If he won't seek help then you separate. He leaves.

@RiderGirl it's a complex matter but ultimately depression and another couple of mental health issues, and weed addiction.

We've found a rental, it's a long story but it's best if we move out.

It's tricky to explain and I know most people will say he should move out, but it's better this way for various reasons.

You can't play cards you either do it or you don't, not in some last ditch attempt to convince him.

I'm doing it! I have committed to the house, have started making arrangements etc.

I'd prefer it if this could shock him into action and it didn't result in permanent separation. He was a good man before things went wrong.

Isn’t leaving him to it, no responsibilities, being high 24/7, wallowing in bed giving him exactly what he wants? Will you continue paying the rent or mortgage on the family house while also paying for your rental?

He’s been ducking out of family life and engaging with any of you and you’re voluntarily giving it to him on a plate, with no guilt or motivation to change because it was your idea?

I don't know your full situation but I think explaining to the kids that he's not well is a good idea. Although I wouldn't overly word it as a temporary thing just in case it turns out not to be.

No judgement but depression plus a weed addiction is a bad mix. Weed makes people basically act lazy, low mood, low motivation, depression makes us feel low too. Help him through his mental illness of course but the weed addiction... things won't change till he's off that trust me

I hope you and your children are doing well and enjoy you're new home!

I know it's not what you asked, are you in a place with a mortgage at the moment and moving to a flat that's rented? Are you taking on all financial responsibilities?

My ex had weed addiction and Mh..

Tbh i suspect nothing will change.

I'll be paying for my new place. He will pay for our house and bills.

Well that's really sad, I'm sorry to hear this was your situation too.

If it comes to that, so be it. I hope against hope that it doesn't.

Thank you.

Won't losing his family be a massive shake up? So far he can do what he wants and still gets to see the kids etc. While I do all the hard work.

But ultimately yes, I can't live with him like this so I'd end up living away from him anyway.

No, I wouldn’t say he’s unwell. I think it’s too ambiguous for children of that age. Having worked with children for many years who are unable to live with parents, telling them they are ill can lead to all sorts of worries and anxieties, both at this time and in the future (for example, what if you get a minor illness, they may think they have to move away from you too). I would be honest and say that Daddy is unable to do all the things a parent should do at the moment and that sometimes parents need to live apart.

Yes @Greysofa, didn't think of that, illness can cause loads of anxieties. Make it child appropriate but honesty is the best policy

Are you prepared for him not to get shaken by it? My heart goes out to you but addiction is addiction and sometimes addicts lose everything and it still doesn't change anything :-(

I'm trying to prepare myself. But ultimately if he doesn't do anything to change we can't live with him, so I guess it'll have to happen anyway.

Thank you, really good point.