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Original poster

Pressure from pro-lifers in a time of crisis

28 replies

penelopeisland · 25/08/2022 13:25

Sorry it’s bit of a long one..

I am 44 yrs old, have been in a somwhat turbulent relationship for 15 yrs, and had a burn-out about 2-3 yrs ago and anxiety/depression issues over the last 8 yrs.
On sunday night I found out i am pregnant, 5 wks.
Not planned at all. very anxious, and tried to find support with my sister and mum, but they didnt really have ears for my problems, and were just over the moon about a baby… - I should have known !
I have never wanted kids, never felt maternal. I thought I’d made the choice to opt out of having kids.

I am a very sensitive person and have often problems with friends who do not understand I need to decompress, and want more of my time than i can ever give.. Boundaries are a problem I am working on.
But this means that i do not have much of a support network..

This summer I was finally going to be able to set things straight. Take my life back. My choices should not be based on ‘pleasing’ people anymore. i am trying to build up myself again. This was going relatively well, until I found out i was pregnant…

My partner is a bit of a hot-head, so if i start ‘cry-talking’ he gets very shouty too.
Not perfect but I suppose I cannot get anymore out of him by getting angry back. (which is happening, i must admit) it does not help to get myself into more of a state.
It is hard to manage for me at the moment. he said he’d try harder to support me. But he does say he is behind my decision, and wants me to be happy and support me in this, I do see him try.

As this pregnancy was unplanned, and I do not want a baby at this moment. Nor does my partner. My/our decision is to not go through with this pregnancy.

But then this happened; I shared with my mum and sister ( who have been my support)
They turned out to have a very strong black and white pro-life stance, and have teamed up and started to bombard me with guilt trips, and unwanted advise. they are not letting go !

’You will regret this forever’
’This is not a way - to kill a human’
’You will become unhappy’
’this will be a life-long scar for you’
’we only want the best for you’
’Let us help you’

Also after asking my sis to not tell mum (she is on a long-deserved holiday for a week) She told mum behind my back under the guise of ‘We know what’s best for you’

I am a 44 yr old woman ! and of course would like for my decisions to be respected. I have never had an abortion.

Have had a burn out, and am slowly rising out of it.
But it turns that my self esteem has become quite low over the last few years.
Do people now think they can rule my life?

This has returned me into a weeping ball on the floor.
My support network has fallen apart.. 😢

OP posts:
Thinkle · 25/08/2022 13:33

It sounds like you know exactly what is the right thing for you to do. You sound very clear on that.
I am not sure what the solution to your support network is though, it sounds like that is a separate albeit currently relevant issue.
Hopefully someone with more to offer will comment but sending supportive vibes. X

picklemewalnuts · 25/08/2022 13:37

I'm so sorry your family have let you down like this. To be honest, I feel similarly to them but would never, ever express that to someone in your position!

The only role of anyone else is to help you work out what you want to do. It's totally unacceptable to push your own agenda on someone else.

I'm really sorry- I don't know how to advise you with regard to your unhelpful family.
I'm a bit bothered about your 'hotheaded' partner too.

I'd see a GP and ask for urgent support.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 25/08/2022 13:51

If you want their support, tell them you're taking some time to think about it then 'miscarry'. If they can't respect your decision you don't owe them honesty. If you don't need their support, cut contact for as long as you need to.

Take care of yourself, and remember you're in charge Flowers

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1st trimester Families General pregnancy
Original poster
penelopeisland · 25/08/2022 18:40

Thanks peeps, for the support. I am bumping this up for the evening crowd..

OP posts:
EL8888 · 25/08/2022 18:41

They are making it all about them and don’t actually seem to be listening to you or supporting you. You need to do what is best for you and your personal situation.

Original poster
penelopeisland · 25/08/2022 18:42

i am having a consult tomorrow, and they are offering some counseling too. I hope to get that.
Also @picklemewalnuts I’m chasing my GP. Have been on a waiting list for over a year now for CBT.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 25/08/2022 18:45

You know, you could just say you had a miscarriage, or they couldn’t find heart beat so you had to have a termination. At 44 both of these things are very common.

You shouldn’t have to but there’s nothing wrong with doing that if you want.

You certainly shouldn’t even consider having a baby you don’t want.

mbosnz · 25/08/2022 18:47

I think, I'd say, 'I'll take that under advisement', and then go and do my own thing, and have no further discussions with them on the topic.

You are the one who will literally be left holding the baby - regardless of their sentiments or blandishments to the contrary. You have to act upon what you know of your own personal resources - financial, physical, and emotional. Not depending on anyone else, regardless of what they say as they attempt to emotionally blackmail you into following their beliefs and their agenda.

Hbh17 · 25/08/2022 19:01

Do the right thing for you - which is to have a termination. It is nothing to with your mother & sister and you would probably be better off just not discussing it with them.

picklemewalnuts · 25/08/2022 19:13

You know you want a termination. So organise that. Avoid your mum and sister, tell them you feel really ill.

Then go for the counselling as soon as you can.

SurinatheFirst · 25/08/2022 19:39

Please don’t fake a miscarriage - it’s disrespectful to women who have been through it.

Soubriquet · 25/08/2022 19:42

Have your abortion and tell them you miscarried.

SheWoreYellow · 25/08/2022 19:42

SurinatheFirst · 25/08/2022 19:39

Please don’t fake a miscarriage - it’s disrespectful to women who have been through it.

It’s only for her mum and sister though.
I think it sounds like a reasonable idea.

Soubriquet · 25/08/2022 19:43

SurinatheFirst · 25/08/2022 19:39

Please don’t fake a miscarriage - it’s disrespectful to women who have been through it.

I’ve had several miscarriages including a set of twins. I don’t find it at all disrespectful

What I do find disrespectful, is being pressured to keep a baby she doesn’t want.

CrotchetyQuaver · 25/08/2022 19:48

Soubriquet · 25/08/2022 19:42

Have your abortion and tell them you miscarried.

100% agree with this, and if they have the cheek to ask any questions, shut that down immediately. NONE of it is any of their business

crabcakesalad · 25/08/2022 20:04

SurinatheFirst · 25/08/2022 19:39

Please don’t fake a miscarriage - it’s disrespectful to women who have been through it.

Nah I've had a miscarriage and don't find this disrespectful. I think it's disrespectful to say it's disrespectful tbh!

OP I agree with others. make your own choice. If you have the abortion tell them whatever you like!

Original poster
penelopeisland · 25/08/2022 20:07

Thank you - even though i do appreciate the advice, I’d rather be honest about the abortion, and be respected. Not sure how else to do it though…

Partner said at the time to not tell them, but I felt alone and normally I would check in with them. I know, it seems like a quick fix now…

I am giving them the silence treatment, because they seemed to not stop sending their texts and calls. Just need space away from them.

In my last message (which took me 4 hrs to write) I told them both to back off, this is my choice, stop moral high grounding me, you are making things worse, and not supportive, only pushing me away.

Feeling lucky now that they live quite far away.
But I was actually really close to both mum and sis..
It’s very painful, I feel betrayed, and treated like a little kid.
I dont think they will change their mind.

OP posts:
hewouldwouldnthe · 25/08/2022 20:08

I'd be tempted to say you were happy with the pregnancy and carrying on with it, but take the pills early at home. Then when you feel stronger a couple of weeks later, say you had a miscarriage. Nothing to be gained by telling them the truth if its not what they want to hear. confession is good for the soul, but not always good if its to the wrong people.

Original poster
penelopeisland · 30/08/2022 15:11

hewouldwouldnthe · 25/08/2022 20:08

I'd be tempted to say you were happy with the pregnancy and carrying on with it, but take the pills early at home. Then when you feel stronger a couple of weeks later, say you had a miscarriage. Nothing to be gained by telling them the truth if its not what they want to hear. confession is good for the soul, but not always good if its to the wrong people.

Thank you I think you’re right, do not tell some people. I should have known..
A lesson learned. It was extra sour as they were my rock during my burn out.
Thank you people for responding.

OP posts:
Thinkle · 30/08/2022 15:41

penelopeisland · 30/08/2022 15:11

Thank you I think you’re right, do not tell some people. I should have known..
A lesson learned. It was extra sour as they were my rock during my burn out.
Thank you people for responding.

Show quote history

How are you OP?

rnsaslkih · 30/08/2022 15:46

I think that I would lie to them. I know lying is wrong, but the behaviour they are showing you is also wrong.

You could tell them you decided to keep the baby and then have a termination without telling them. Then a month later, say you have just miscarried.

Original poster
penelopeisland · 31/08/2022 11:35

Thank you @rnsaslkih and @Thinkle 💚
I’m ok, I’ve cut them off and am trying to keep a diary to stay slightly balanced at the moment. Its hard during the days, when i m alone.
Normally i have no problems with being on my own!
Tomorrow i have an appointment at a clinic. At least i have a plan now.
My partner turns out to be of great support, he is keeping mum and sis away (at my request) and standing next to me in my decision.
Hopefully i am not further along than i think - will hear tomoz.
Thank you for the support love !! X

OP posts:
mbosnz · 01/09/2022 10:35

Good luck for today OP.

Original poster
penelopeisland · 02/09/2022 12:42

So, went to my appointment and turns out there was no heartbeat. Only 6.2 wks along.. So I suppose having a plan now, can do it at home.
Feeling much better.
Thank you so much everyone! 💚

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 02/09/2022 14:26

Ah, Penelope. I hope all goes well for you, and you get to recover from it all in peace.

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