How to stop my 6 year old feom being a bully?

[Dressme2023]

My son was 6 in Jan. He has always been such a lovely, gentle and kind child but very keen to please.
The last few months his behaviour has shifted, he's not naughty but quite deceitful. He has started lying a lot - sometimes about really minor things, other times about big things. He will stare me in the eye and swear he's telling the truth despite me knowing he isn't.
He is calling his 4yo brother ugly 1000 times a day, and seems to take pleasure in watching him cry about it. He will hurt him or snatch from him to annoy him. I know this feels more constant due to the school holidays.
Today I picked him up from holiday club and another boy from his class at school was there. In the car on the way home he seemed really proud to tell me that him and this boy spent their day discussing a child in their class (quite clearly from a family struggling with money) saying they've decided that when they go back to school they are going to punch him in his face for being smelly and gross.
It's literally breaking my heart. He's never been like this and I'm trying to coach him through (and out of) these thoughts without going nuts as I need him to be on my side. But how do I draw a line and make it known this is totally unacceptable?
We had a big chat at bedtime and he was so loving, and upset that I think he's being a bully. But tomorrow I know he will act the same.
My sister thinks he's just at an age where he's trying to find himself but I'm not prepared to excuse it as that unless there's an element of truth inthat?
Please help!

You’re right to nip this in the bud now.

Do you punish him when he upsets his brother like that? There needs to be consequences, and you need to come down on this hard.

I don't know how to punish him. We've never had a naughty step or sent them to their rooms because they've always been good kids. I sent him to his room the other day and he just refused to stay there, he couldn't understand why I was telling him to stay in there.
The punishments i give seen to be so unrelated to what he's doing eg. No pudding, no pocket money at the end of the month (he gets around £10 on our payday to spend on what he likes), no film night.
I need punishments which will actually deter him from wanting to upset people, I feel like I don't know what I'm doing anymore 😔

You do know what you’re doing, and you’re obviously a great mum to want to sort this out now.

Would time out work? You may have to put him back there a few times (don’t engage) and tell him to use the time to think about his words, and how they make others feel. You could then sit with him and talk about feelings, and the damage words can do.

Could you speak to the school when he returns and see what the teachers suggest?

From experience, this isn’t a stage. Has anything changed in his life at all? Could he be acting out to try communicate something?

You need to nip it in the bud with him. The punishments need to become stronger- no tv/tablet time, things that he likes that he will miss. If he doesn’t understand why he is facing a punishment then you need to sit him down and explain in simple terms what the behaviour was and why it was unacceptable.
There are lots of story books out there that are social stories and help children learn about their emotions, consequences and learn to view things from a different perspective. I’d suggest going to the library and looking for some or looking online. Readinf them with h at bedtime or in the afternoon and chatting about what he’s learned is a good step forward.

The fact that he’s used the language of wanting to punch someone in the face is hurtful. It is bullying behaviour but hopefully this is a one off. He needs to see that his words and actions have consequences. He’s too young to understand why this other child is the way he is but your son needs ti develop his empathy skills and you will need to teach him that. When school returns, I’d suggest chatting to his teacher and explaining you’ve noticed a change in his attitude and they will be able to support you.

Personally I'd be telling him that I would be passing all of this onto his teachers, and that you won't tolerate bullying of any kind, and neither will they.
You need to be stern - it's serious.

Well the first stage is to have him do as he is told. Yes he’s a good kid. But when you told him to stay in his bedroom he would not.
i would be speaking to the supervisors at the holiday club. Make them aware of his plans and if he does this you want to know and he then writes an apology card to the child.
Calling his brother ugly and deliberately hurting him ? Then what does your son care about? Toy, activity, tv Programme they are watching. If he won’t apologize to his brother and hug him then remove what he cares about. Or maybe the naughty step - 1 minute per year of age.
The consequences need to be immediate at that eg eg no more favorite toy for the rest of They day. An apology and better behavior means he gets it back the next.
Or sometimes the naughty step is more effective. Sending them to their room isn’t so effective - they just find something to do.

Also there is a lying phase - most kids go through it. Give him a chance to tell the truth. Tell him you know he is lying. Explain the consequences eg naughty step or removal of favorite toy for 24 hours. Sometimes reward charts help.
if he continues to lie then implement the consequence.
Part of the apology process is for him to apologize for lying to you, give you a hug.
then it’s all done with. But if an item has been removed - it’s not given back until the next day.
No long explanations needed. Just we don’t lie in this house because it is wrong.

He needs a punishment (privilege/toy removal/time out/whatever) but then how about making him use some time to make someone else happy, rather than being mean to them. Perhaps helping a neighbour wash their car, buying sweets for a friend with his pocket money, anything to make someone smile and give you the chance to offer him praise.

That’s a brilliant idea!

He doesn't need punishment, he needs the opposite. He needs more connection. Have you been busy or distracted recently? Have there been things going in on the family? He is acting out and getting attention in the wrong ways. Try to set aside 10 mins a day where it's just you and him playing, following his lead. No teaching, just being together. Do not extend as a reward or remove as a punishment, this must happen no matter what.
At other times, try to work on developing his empathy for others but not related to his behaviour. Work on his emotional literacy - ability to use emotion words, ability to see things from others perspectives, ability to tune into how he feels inside at different times, ability to notice what makes him feel truly good inside, what he cares about. Empathise with him when his behaviour is poor but draw a boundary. This does not mean harsh punishments. "I can see you're frustrated with your brother, I get that. It is not ok to hurt him. I am going to separate you both to keep you both safe"

Ps I am a child psychologist and I can assure you that the advice on this thread from others will not help in the long run, it will make it worse. You need to work on the underlying cause for the behaviour especially since you say it is recently started rather than it has always been his character. This is the behaviour of a boy who is hurting and feels misunderstood. Hurting and misunderstanding him more will make it worse - that's not to say that you do not also make the rules and boundaries clear about what is acceptable along the way.

If mine are unkind to each other, they're made to apologise. If they won't, or they persist, i put them on time out - the natural consequence of being unkind is that they don't get to be with the rest of us so they go on time out to figure out what they've done. They don't like being sat out on the time out spot away from the action so it seems to work. Once they're done on time out (usually 3 minutes of being quiet, however long it takes - the timer doesn't start until they're sitting down quietly) they have to say sorry to whoever they wronged then we all move on. If they continue to do it they get a fresh time out.

He's a bit old to start time out but might be worth a try as it sounds like his behaviour has been escalating. Perhaps he's bullying his brother to get your attention, so putting him on time out and giving his brother attention while the naughty one is on time out will show him if he's good, he gets attention instead of getting it for being naughty. Taking his pocket money off him is too remote.

Really concerning that he's planning to bully a child for being poor. I mean wtf? Id come down on him like a ton of bricks if he does actually do that. Maybe he was showing off in front of his friend.