How to feel good about yourself?

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NC'd for this because I'm a bit embarrassed about it.

How do you learn to like yourself? I have a few friends who are super confident (but not in an arrogant way) and who feel sure of their own abilities, worth, looks and body. I hate all of those things about myself and more.

I see photos of them on social media laughing on windy hilltops in hiking gear or playing crazy golf with their dcs and I feel even more like a troll. 🤦‍♀️

Has anyone learned what the key to this is? The easy confidence and the sort of inner knowledge that they will be fine whatever happens to them, they can roll with the punches.

Does anyone have the formula for this lifestyle/way of thinking?

Exercise. I now (at 50, from nothing — did C25k in lockdown) run 3 times a week, do weights once a week, and walk and stretch every day. The difference I feel is not in my body: it’s in my mind, though more recently also feel it in my body.

Ooooo interesting question. I have this. My biggest worry about myself is that I may come across as obnoxious and/or arrogant. But I hope I don’t; I just like myself. Not sure I know the secret though. The best I can come up with is that I’m on a quest for happiness coupled with a healthy dose of planning for the long term.

(Oh, and I don’t really exercise so it’s not that. I’m an average looking size 14. Quite happy with the way I look, no plans to change it even though I could definitely be slimmer and more toned, spend more on haircuts, learn how to apply make up properly etc.)

I like myself. For me my self esteem was embedded in childhood. I learned a lot from my mother too. She never wore make up, or obsessed with her looks, she had no beauty routines or spent hours on her looks. Her attitude was "if you don't like what you see, go look elsewhere" She was outspoken, confident, and assertive with the attitude that people were free to dislike her, plenty of other people did. She told me I was beautiful and clever, but she would also tell me exactly what she thought if I was acting like a teenage twat or dressed inappropriately, or looked ridiculous. So I trusted her.

I don't have any advice on how to acquire self esteem in later life. I think the key might be in achieving rather than 'being' so more about what you do, rather than how you feel. How you feel rises in correlation to what you feel happy about doing or achieving.

It does come with age, but there are lots of things you can do to speed the process.

I found CBT helpful. I did the MoodGym online. You have to pay for it these days I think but it was worth doing. It helped me work out when I was getting in my own way by catastrophising (thinking the worst e.g. assuming someone who walks past and doesn;t say hello hates you when it's possible they didn't have their contact lenses in or were deep in thought about work etc) forecasting (imagining negative outcomes of future events) black and white thinking (e.g. I'm ALWAYS useless at X or I NEVER have any luck with Y) It helps you stop these thoughts and be more rational. A side-effect of this is that you end up more compassionate towards yourself.

The one person you have to spend your life with is yourself, so you may as well be your own best friend. That way, you always have someone around looking out for you. That might sound cheesy but intentionally trying to adopt that mindset really helps. After a while, hating yourself gets so bloody exhausting.

Things like:
Taking care of your body with fitness training and a reasonably healthy diet
wearing clothes you like that reflect your personality
spending time with people that leave you feeling upbeat about life, not draining and demoralised
making lists of things you;ve always fancied trying or doing and then making time to do them
overcoming small fears or obstacles that you have put in your own way
sorting out your home so it is in a good state
doing what you enjoy not what others expect of you

If you feel a bit envious of people grinning on windy hilltops, book yourself a free day of hiking with the Ramblers or Meet-up.

The more you let yourself live the way you'd like to live, the more opportunities come your way.

Firstly, come off social media. Nothing good comes of it.

I like myself because I’m a nice person. I’m nothing amazing, but I’m proud of my choices in life. I stand up for people less advantaged than me; I look after people even when they don’t ‘deserve’ it; I fulfill all my duties to people to whom I owe them; I have never committed a legally or even morally questionable act. These all make me decent. Nothing amazing like I say, but I’m happy with that.

As for looks, I’ve never really cared much for them in me or anyone else. They’re ephemeral and a question of luck largely. I like to feel fit and healthy, so I exercise and eat well. I’m not overweight but I’m not a skinny sylph either.

Mostly, I know what I’m capable of and I know my limits and I strive and endeavour to do myself. Mostly I hit my targets. That’s good enough for me!

I totally agree with your mum, and with you about achievements versus feelings. This current brand of wokery that focuses on feelings over fact is so destructive. Layers upon layers of mendacity and self-deceit. Feelings don’t put food on the table, achievements do. They certainly don’t bring self-esteem.

Sorry that was in reply to @MiniTheMinx