Do you have a curfew for your 17 year old?

[Lyi]

He's started going out with his mates in the evening. He was coming back by midnight.

But it's 1.15 and he's not home.

I've not given him a time to be home as he is 17.5 and he has always been back by 12

This is all new to me, he is my eldest.

I want to tell him to be home by 9pm 😂😭

DH is lay next to me snoring away and I just can't sleep without DS home.

My lad is the same age. It's hard can you not send him a text, less intrusive than a call and no one know its mum. Going forward let him know you're struggling with his growing independence, my lad has me on snapmap so I know where he is but it's also useful as I know when he leaves work or is near a shop. Works both ways and I get a lot more calls if I'm somewhere I shouldn't be and a big shopping list when near his favourite shops

I text him over an hour with no reply.

He came back at 1.40am saying he has lost his phone in a field.

He was fucking baout in a secluded field at 1am

DH went out with him to find it, with a torch. Luckily they did find it but I'm more pissed off that he was there in the first place. I assumed he was at a mates house, playing PS5 or something

Not running around on a field! His group of friends are lively but they're very immature, they were just climbing trees and chasing each other apparently. At 1.30am?!

I said he could have been robbed or stabbed and he rolled his eyes and said that would never happen.

I'm tempted to say he can't bloody go out again after 10pm until he bloody grows up a bit. 17 or not!!

Lovely * his friends are lovely. And lively I guess.

And now I'm wide awake. Fantastic

Be thankful it’s taken him until this age to be pissing about in a field at 1am.
Me and all my mates were doing that by 15 and telling parents we were staying at the other friends house.
You can’t stop teens being teens, better to know what they’re up to than not.
He will of course grow out of it, but as a parent it’s only natural to worry.
You’ll just have to find some middle ground with him while he’s exploring what independence means.

I was definitely probably doing worse at 17 - and I'm still here!! I can't imagine how hard it is (my DS is a baby) but, from my 17 year old self POV I would be annoyed that my mum would even consider a curfew.

Don't push him away by being overbearing - however, that's not to say that you cannot set boundaries for when he is still living at home, I.e., what you find acceptable and not in terms of timings - but I really really wouldn't frame this as a curfew!!!!

Urgh.

I know you're right. And I was fucking about in the same field younger than him. I just worry so much, it seems a much more dangerous place these days, it's not a great area to live and there's been so much violence in the news lately.

I wish he was a squishy toddler still 😭

Is he working and paying rent or at school.

If it's the former - well it's your house your rules, but as long as he can do his job, it is probably unfair to impose curfews.

If he is at school then back at home by 11 on a school night. Why should you fund him ploughing his education?

He's at college but it's the summer holidays.

He wouldn't do this on a school night.

My ds. is 17. Occasionally he is home past 11 pm but only when the bus is late. He is very good and I count myself very lucky. He always updates me by WhatsApp too.

I have no curfew as there is no need.

Aged 14 he was a handful though. Dabbled with drugs kept bad company. Mercifully he fell out with all the crowd from the wrong background.

This was my DS last year. It's hard at first because it's new! But they need to find their feet I suppose. I just hate when he says I'll be home around 12 then doesn't come in til 4 without letting me know. He's 18 now, an adult, but I still think that if you live at home you should at least tell someone you'll be much later than you said.

My son was a bit like this when he first started going out (not the frolicking in fields! but out till all hours) He's 18 now & pretty good at letting us know where he is.
I had a long chat with him about it being basic courtesy to let us know where he was, said his dad & I would do it for each other & that we weren't stopping him going out but let us know where & if he decided to stay out later again a text to say so was ok, save us worrying. Kept reinerating any time he forgot. Didnt get angry, not point cos teenagers just wont respond to that, they want to be treated as adults even though still immature.

We let the "curfew" time go during holidays, then had another chat about school nights needing to study, if out needed to be in by 11 at latest. Pushed the respect for rest of household idea I.e. dad & I up early for work & younger kids for school.
Treating him like an adult has worked pretty well, less for him to push back against. Only blip we had was last day of 6th yr when his whole group were in a local country park & en mass went silent after 9pm! Lots of phone calls,texts unanswered until 2am when he said he was heading home, drunk & straight to bed....next day he was moaning cos everyone else was staying out all night. Asked where they were, at a friend's watching movies from 9 & eating pizzas....he learnt his lesson though when I simply shrugged my shoulders & said he could have stayed too if only he'd texted! Hes not repeated & has always let us know what's happenning since.
We're in Scotland so other kids now back at school & although he's not he's been coming home by 11.30 during the week. He'll be staying at home for uni (same city) so that will be fun to negotiate I'm sure but will keep treating him as an adult & hope this continues.
It was definitely frustrating at times for us & plenty of sleepless nights initially waiting for him to slink home but long term it's worked best for him & us. Well be adopting the same tactics with his younger sister soon & hoping it works as well for her!

I find this really tricky as obviously you don’t want to be too restrictive but also you inevitably worry.

I’d be very clear that, if he says a time he should stick to it. I’d express it in terms of how you feel when he doesn’t (worried etc) as I think teens aren’t always great at empathy with things like that and can see curfews etc as arbitrary deadlines- if he can understand why you’re concerned he might be a bit for thoughtful.

Theres also some room for negotiation- eg you can agree a time and if for any reason he isn’t going to make it, he has to text. Communication is really the key thing.

(I’m pretty strict on school nights.)

Mine is 16 and I'm dreading this. Right now she doesn't really go out in the evening except the occasional sleepover. We use Life360 which I think she finds as useful as me to be honest. I don't need to text her to see where she is as I can see.

But my policy at the point when she wants to go out late will be you can do what you like on a non-school night but you must text me and let me know your plans eg if you'll be later than planned. And while I pay for your phone you keep Life360 location switched on on it.

Same as I would expect from my husband and myself so no babying or double standards.

I remember when mine was 16 and we all used a tracker app, he was on a sleepover and I woke up and could see he was a good distance away from the place he was sleeping at 1am. I completely freaked out, exactly like you OP, I was fuming, worried, he could be abducted or in wrong place/wrong time.
Cue next morning with me raging, turns out a group had walked to the all night garage to get chocolate, no trouble, nothing bad, just kids being kids.
I deleted the tracker that night and have slept much better since. He's 18 now, a great young adult who's doing all the fun stuff he should be at that age but is respectful and stays in touch by WhatsApp if he's out.
It's a steep learning curve with your first, but it does get easier.

Hes almost 18 why would he have a curfew?

It's manners (and not about age) to keep or agree to contact when someone in the family goes out. I tell my kids where I'm going and a rough time I'll be back if I'm out i will text if my plans change. They do the same.

Mine was out till 4am last weekend. I don't care about the time, but I knew he was safe and trust him to stay as safe as possible.

I agree with this. I wouldn’t come home 4 hours later than I said without letting people know, because I know they would be worrying about me. I know it is not the Mumsnet way but I expect my 18 year old, even though she is an adult, to let me know when she will be home.

I'm 45- I still tell my family roughly when I'm getting home after a night out and let them know if my plans change.

I never had a curfew on mine when they were that age.
At 17, mine were out in their cars and half the time they never came home at all at night, usually because they'd found some girl to spend the night with.

I didn't have a rule per se, but on a school night he basically didn't go out other than the gym, which closed at 9, or footie practise.
On weekends it depended on what he was doing. Mostly we agreed between 12-1am, and he would almost always call if running late and that he was on his way (and why couldn't your son use a mate's phone to call you)? Have to say he was pretty good about it in general, though I was always happier when I heard the key in the lock!
My daughter is now 17 but very rarely goes out!

During school holidays they can do as they wish but they let me know if home late. Many. Midnight texts if "I will be late" school term we talk and discuss.

Mine are 18 -24.

Personally I love it when they much about in a field late at night they are often the good memories.