Navigating Minecraft, servers, screen time for a 12 year old

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Can anyone give advice on how you deal with this as I think our screen time rules have to be updated. Currently DS gets gaming time allocated for weekend and holidays according to his school marks. Ranging from 0-2hours depending on what he brings home. He currently is on 30 mins.

Yesterday a child in his class asked if he could give DS a password to the (his?) Minecraft server so DS can play with others in the class. DS loves Minecraft, and in general is largely ignored by the rest of his class (except for this child) due to his SN. So this could be a good thing or an absolute disaster for him. DS is 12 but has repeated a year so the other children are 11 turning 12.

How does this usually work? I assume he has to be online at the same time as the other children? Should I speak to the other parents to find out how long and when their DC are allowed? Does it matter if they have different devices? DS plays either on iPad or the Switch. How do you retain reasonable limits when other children are involved?

I think you should relax your rules quite a lot - but I'll probably get grief for saying that.
Find out from your DS when the others are playing and let DS play for an hour a couple of times during the week and see where it goes from there.
Many of the things they build can be time consuming though and I don't know how it works if someone needed to leave at a certain time that was earlier than the others, so again check with DS.

Is your child able to message his friends. At that age they'd usually sort this out between themselves without need for parents to speak. Of course this depends on whether he's able due to SEN.

He doesn't have any "friends", he's never been invited anywhere except to this boy's house and never to any parties etc. They're last year of primary (I'm not in Uk) so I have parents contact details, although I've never had much contact with them. He does have a phone although he hasn't used it a lot and doesn't have any numbers for other children in his class. The boy who asked does have a brick phone, I could ask the dad if DS can have his number.

Firstly don’t give out any passwords to the Minecraft server that your son is in charge of. Anyone with the password can change things as they have automatic admin rights.
if he wants to invite people to play on his server they just need the server name.
if he has a server he doesn’t need to be online for other ppl to join. I would suggest strict rules before they join - no breaking things anyone has built, no robbing chests.

My eldest is the same age as your DS and Minecraft servers even with close friends have caused no end of drama. I would really be hesitant about these other kids from school joining.

Also, yes, I would relax your rules around gaming time but then I’m probably too lax as my boys get a lot of gaming time (after homework and chores are done)

0-2 hours a day? Or a week?

When DS1 started on this, I believe they are on different systems (he isn't here to ask). They generally message on whatsapp, and if enough of them are around, start a whatsapp call. So 2 devices. He can easily spend an afternoon on a call and a computer game, but kids drop in an out as life dictates.

I have two major issues with your rules.

Firstly all rewards should be linked to effort not attainment.
Secondly that moving target just sounds annoyingly stupidly strict and rather dispiriting.

I have never really had any gaming time (we didn't encourage, they didn't ask) but we did have coding etc., but if you are going to allow it then thirty minutes is just silly, he can't even relax and enjoy it before it is over.

As for playing with other kids, you say 'you can do a couple of hours and then it'll be tea time' and then you warn him ten mins before the time limit that he needs to tell the friend that he has to go for tea (or whatever other reason you want to give).

The tech side of it I can't advise on as I am clueless with gaming!

Agree with a PP he shouldn't give his server password out to anyone. Personally I don't think 30 minutes of any activity is enough to sit down, get comfortable and really get into it before you have to come off it again. Particularly on Minecraft when you are building houses, choosing bricks and types of stone and colours etc etc. It takes DS ages to build some of his projects on there and he's really proud of them. He kicks up much less of a stink with a larger period of time. We use larger period of screen time with frequent breaks

We also don't only have it as a weekends or holidays only, if he is totally ready for school (so barely ever) or his homework is all done etc then his time is his own to choose what he wants to do. Therefore there is less 'bingeing'

He has a switch too and will alternate what he plays. He also enjoys the variety of games on Roblox.

Everyone one and every child is different though so don't think there's a easy answer!

Quickly- Sorry if it wasn't clear: DS doesn't have a server.

Child from school has one and is planning to give DS the password so he can join in.

Maybe have a chat with the parent of the boy who invited him, or if you know any of the other parents who seem friendly. Find out when their kids are online so your son can join.
I would recommend him joining in with others at this age, when you have a chance of knowing the other parents, before they get to high school. It will help him learn rules and habits about playing with others in a safer environment. In my experience it causes a little extra angst at the beginning but becomes very rewarding for them. Minecraft is a great one for them to play together as they can just potter around doing their own thing, or collaborate and chat a lot.

He’ll need a headset of some sort so he can speak with them. And it can be a bit of a fiddle to join in depending on if they’re playing Xbox, PlayStation, computer etc but I am pretty sure combos are possible, you just have to figure out how. This is all wildly obvious to people who’ve done it before and not at all obvious to total gaming novices. Hence ask for the help of a useful other parent or well informed child if you can!

I have spent too much time trying to sort out issues on a Minecraft server last week, between adults! Minecraft is shocking for griefing which means deliberately destroying things or killing other players in game with malicious intent. There are three types of Minecraft server. Creative, survival and hardcore.

Thirty minutes is nothing in game if you want to reward gaming time then do it for good behaviour and effort not grades. As an indication of time to build something decent. In total it probably took me around 12 hours to build an underwater rollercoaster in the game from the top of a mountain through a big bay and hacking through under a cliff to my house. It is an amazing feat of engineering if I say so myself.

I would say it’s worth the risk, you can chat or msg in game. Minecraft is on to bad language and people get an instant temp ban that kicks in. This happened to a friend of mine who swore in the chat function after he accidentally killed himself. Much to the hilarity of the other adults in the server he couldn’t play for three days. Obviously people can be added or removed at anytime. We had to remove someone who quite frankly lost the plot and started to grief people, the admin rolled the server back a couple of hours. Just keep an eye on what is happening in the game and look out for bullying.

Get on tube and watch a tutorial for beginners so you can understand what he is doing. You can play on multiple devices. You haven’t described the extent or nature of his SN and what you do together as a family. On his own server you could ask if he could tame a cat or dog for you and make it a pet for you and choose a name for it and make it a little house of its own. You could ask to feed it sometimes. If you show an interest he will absolutely love it.

I gamed with my DS from age 10, he shares a different hobby with his Father as well. It meant we all always had dialogue even in the slightly harder hormone kicking in years of growing up.

You can play across multiple devices in the same server it just means that they may not all be able to chat. We have people on pc but they also have Xbox so they join an Xbox party while on their pc. The only way for everyone to chat on every device would be to have discord, I do not recommend this for children at all, as a platform it’s like the Wild West.

A small server for two people costs a couple of quid a month I think one that can have up to 12 people at a time is 7 a month.

If you have any further questions please ask.

They could also chat on what’s app, issue here is third party apps mean no real policing. I have reported people on Xbox for let’s just say vile behaviour.

It’s a massively useful social tool- I’d be tempted to ease up on his screen limits a bit so your boy can start to establish those social links through minecraft.

Firstly all rewards should be linked to effort not attainment.
Thats hard to quantify though. Usually he refuses to do all homework and revise for tests and scrapes a pass. In his favourite subject, he generally gets high 90's a.k.a. max screen time. Screen time is the only thing that motivates him.

I would suggest strict rules before they join - no breaking things anyone has built, no robbing chests.
I will ask if they've discussed these points.

We also don't only have it as a weekends or holidays only, if he is totally ready for school (so barely ever) or his homework is all done etc then his time is his own to choose what he wants to do. Therefore there is less 'bingeing'
We did try this for a while but he gets obsessed and refuses to join in normal life - playing out, meal times etc etc and his temper deteriorates dramatically if he has more than a couple of hours at a time. He will literally sit staring at the Home Screen on his iPad or into space, refuse to get dressed etc

Obviously people can be added or removed at anytime.
who does this? The child who's server it is?

OP I'm certainly answering this from a perspective of having a non SN DC and now with some of your updates, I'm not sure if my response is helpful.

I do remember that DS did sometimes get quite ragey after playing Minecraft and people can do mean things like destroying a world. It was fine with him as he learnt some tough life lessons and it probably helped him in the long run . But might not be appropriate for your DS therefore you might need to monitor the impacts more closely

Obviously people can be added or removed at anytime

The server admin can remove others from the server, this will be the person who pays for the server.

As mentioned the server itself makes rules but we had that guy lose the plot and totally destroy two peoples bases. This is a long term server, they had made stuff over many months that took many hours to build. This guy was on a warning for stealing stuff, going invisible and attacking players and building a trap that would have killed someone if not discovered. I guess he decided to go out with a bang.

The server admin can remove others from the server, this will be the person who pays for the server.
ok, so I need to find out who this is. In an unexpected turn of events, the boy (B) who asked Ds to join is not allowed to play online and will be asked some questions when he gets home from school

DS doesn't have WhatsApp, neither does B.

@MrsWooster yes, that's really the only reason I would consider relaxing our current rules.

Until now DS has only ever played with DD either on the switch as a 2 player game ( would this work when linked to a server? Could they both play?) or over their iPads on the home WiFi.

Google how to play Minecraft online and watch a video about it on you tube.

You need a Microsoft account to play cross platform.

You need a Microsoft account to play cross platform.
both Dc have a Microsoft account as I needed to set this up so they could play iPad together. I didn't have to use this for the switch - does this mean they can't play over the switch?

Hi OP

I have a DS with SEN - he’s 10 - who struggled with friendships. I’ve found online gaming has really helped him build friendships and they are now much better in school as well. I did have to sit in with him for quite a long time at first to help him navigate the social side - but he’s found gaming online with one or two other kids means they’ve really got to know him outside of the pressures of school. There is a school of thought - but obviously others disagree - that gaming/being online can be very helpful for DC with SEN.

I’ve also done what another poster suggested and tried to show an interest in the gaming, understand it etc as I would for other stuff he is into. Again have found this has really helped.

Saying all that him and his younger brother recently asked to be able to play together on minecraft via a server and it’s caused more arguments than any other game they have played!!!

Just wanted to say I really like your idea of linking screen time to grades. It gives DC a tangible consequence of receiving good or bad grades.

In my house DC have to earn their screen time through completing an age appropriate amount of study. But I am now thinking of adding some kind of link to their grades having read this thread.