Why is my friend so determined to convince me that I have 'severe' anxiety?

[TitaniasAss]

Odd I know. Recently a good friend of mine seems hellbent on convincing me that I have very bad anxiety. I don't. At all. I get 'anxious' about things that lots of people do - things that I think are totally normal to feel a level.of stress and worry about. Some recent examples:

Starting a new job - didn't sleep much the night before.

DCs exam results due

Upcoming holiday

Being late - I get really wound up if I'm going to be late but that's just something I've always hated.

Crowded places - I don't like lots of crowds, never have, I feel uncomfortable.

These are all things that I think.are normal to be a little anxious about but friend is questioning me on every little thing and any concerns I have are my 'severe anxiety'. I think she's talking shite and it's starting to actually stress me out! She does suffer from anxiety - how do I talk to her about this gently without upsetting her?

She’s projecting onto you to make herself feel better. If you have ‘severe anxiety’ her own anxiety is less terrible.

Next time she says it I’d say something like ‘You keep mentioning my “severe anxiety”, DF, and I’m a bit baffled, to be honest. I don’t suffer from anxiety - I just feel anxious once in a while. Everyone does. It makes me uncomfortable that you say it’s “severe anxiety” because I definitely don’t agree.”

When she brings it up again, perhaps says something like "thank you for your concern but anxiety isn't a problem for me. If it ever becomes a problem I'll seek out professional support".

Change the word "anxious " to "worried".
I'm a bit worried about starting a new job tomorrow.
I'm worried about DDs exam results.
I get worried when I'm late.

All entirely normal reactions and fears.
No one goes to their doctor with worriedness.
There isn't a worried disorder.

Real anxiety must be dreadful for those suffering it...but the word is overused now, and general, normal worries are deemed to be anxiety.

I absolutely agree we are overusing the word. I teach secondary and we have huge numbers of kids now who spend half their time in the medical centre being counselled for "anxiety" and requesting special arrangements for exams like separate rooms. We've reached a point where simulataneously it's "ok to not be ok" and that if you're feeling anything other than calm and happy that's a problem that needs to be fixed. No wonder kids are confused.

The things you've mentioned are normal to be a bit nervous about. But I'm not sure it's normal to tell people about it. I stress about things, but wouldn't mention them to others, even DH. When DD is anxious the whole world knows it because she can't keep it in, so it's something I'm helping her learn to control. If you are expressing your anxiety to your friend, she may think it's more severe than it is.

I completely understand this and I think that might be why it's bugging me so much. I do feel that people trivialise it (I have another friend for whom her anxiety has such a huge impact on her life so I do see how it can affect someone so negatively) and I feel that she is too by saying that 'normal' worries is anxiety.

I never use the word to describe how I'm feeling. She seems to dig information from me sometimes and try to put words in my mouth if you know what I mean. It's infuriating.

What happens if you challenge her on it? She's definitely projecting her own feelings on to you to make her feel better about herself

You have a lot going on at the moment, it's normal to be a little anxious. When you're able to, try and have a short walk, or run to clear your head. You will feel better for it if you do this on a regular basis.
😊

I have PTSD and anxiety is crippling sometimes- if I didn’t have a child to care for I’d rarely do anything.
im getting better but you’d know if you had anxiety.. I can’t sleep- racing thoughts, pounding heart, sweating, nausea. Sometimes panic attacks. There are certain triggers and sometimes I just can’t do certain things (go into local town) and just go to bed instead etc

She’s projecting. My ex-partner had severe anxiety and it seemed to make him feel better to convince himself – and try to convince me – that I was the one with the problem.

I think you are right OP.

My dd has panic attacks related to anxiety and one of the things we work hard for managing is what is actual anxiety and when it is normal (for want of a better word) to feel a bit anxious. That's because she feels worse worrying about whether a panic attack is going to hit. Interestingly, she manages the anxiety a lot better when she knows there is a normal reason for it. It's when she gets an attack for no reason whatsoever that its much more difficult for her to manage.

We do over use the word - it's normal to be a bit anxious about exams, job interviews, situations you've not experienced before.

I have previously suffered with severe acute anxiety spells and had daily panic attacks, couldn’t feel my arms/hands (couldn't properly feel a pen I was holding), suffered from insomnia, lost loads of weight because my appetite disappeared, put it back on cos I started binge eating, became fixated on any aches and pains in my body and convinced myself I had all kinds of diseases.

You don’t sound like you have this.

I had a friend who thought I had OCD. I do not. I like things clean and put away and mess makes me anxious but thats not OCD. I think it was her way of putting me down as in things might be shit but at least I'm not OCD like you.

In reality she could have done more cleaning, worked more, spent less time chasing men to provide for her, lose weight, stop thinking she knew everything, start treating her friends better, stop constantly wanting attention and constantly judging others because she thought she was better than everyone.

But no.

I had a friend who thought I had OCD. I do not. I like things clean and put away and mess makes me anxious but thats not OCD. I think it was her way of putting me down as in things might be shit but at least I'm not OCD like you.

I think OCD is massively misunderstood. I was never diagnosed, but I’m quite certain I had it as a child and as a teenager. It crops up sometimes now but no where near as severely, I think it was triggered by a bad experience. It involved having intrusive scary thoughts, obsessive rituals which yes, could include wanting things to be placed a certain way - but not because I liked things tidy (I was actually quite messy as a teen!) it was because of an irrational fear that something bad would happen if I didn’t, essentially I was jinxing something, by not doing so.
It’s a bit like checking the oven before you leave the house even though you know really that it’s not on - but there’s still some rationality behind that. Flipping a switch a certain about of times or placing CDs perfectly straight because something bad could happen if not (don’t ask me what, I had no idea!) not so much.
And I didn’t know this was a thing other people experienced. So I guess people using the term, even though often incorrectly, makes it known which perhaps does help others in some way. The first time I learned OCD was a thing I was in the cinema watching ‘The Aviator’ with Leonardo DiCaprio in my late teens. And it was terrifying, because I was like OMG I’m like this guy who’s acting completely nuts! It probably wasn’t the best representation, but it really resonated with me and at least from there I could do a bit of research - and just learning that it was a recognised condition actually helped a lot (even if I still didn’t tell anyone).

I agree with you, OP. Unfortunately a lot of people seem to think that ‘I have anxiety’ means the same as ‘I get worried about certain things’. Which TBH most of us do. Kids, elderly parents, money, exams, missing a flight because your dh will not allow that extra time, just in case (can you tell that’s me? 😉)

It makes it sound more important and unarguable, not to mention calling for sympathy, since it’s then ‘promoted’ to an actual MH condition.

I firmly believe that the overuse of the anxiety is behind so many young people presenting with mental health problems. Too many children are babied for too long IMHO and instead of being out in the world forming coping strategies, they are being mollycoddled by over protective parents.
Its.the same in the criminal justice system. It seems now that every single person, no matter what the crime, you can guarantee its "struggling with mental health problems"
Makes me angry and makes me sad for those who have geniune mental health issues

Yes those are completely normal stresses, how are you to be around in those situations?

Anxiety is awful to live with and isn't a temporary thing.

I'm a hoot! 😂

Probably a bit quieter than normal when I'm worried but that's about it I think!

I'm the same in crowds, I go a bit quiet because I'm overwhelmed.. never for one moment thought I had anxiety. Think others are right, she's trying to make you level or "worse" than her.

I had a friend like this - determined to make my choice to be tidy into an OCD!
I just said
‘ I don’t think you are being very fair to people with real OCD, as I just like a tidy house as you know , so please can you stop badgering me about it as it’s annoying. You will be the first to know if I develop an OCD okay?’ And gave her a hug. We laughed and admired my cupboards.
As it turns out she was stressing about her mental health - and was deflecting.

If you can’t face challenging her just say how is your anxiety and ask her how she is doing. Deflect it back.

People like labels these days. Instead of being worried about something, having butterflies about an upcoming event, concerns over an issue, the word 'anxiety' is bandied about all over the place.

From the examples you describe in your OP, then it certainly does not sound like an anxiety disorder to me.

Severe anxiety is a horribly debilitating condition that affects every aspect of your life. (A close family member of mine was diagnosed with it by her GP and a psychologist by the way, so I do know a bit about it).