Really upset with my Mum

[TerrysGotPeeves]

I was diagnosed with a chronic disease last year, after months of being really unwell (hospital admissions etc). She has been horrible to me ever since, it's like she's cross with me for being sick. I don't bang on about, barely mention it in fact. But any time I do, or if anyone asks how I am, she sits with her arms crossed and a face like a slapped arse.

We had a family meal on Saturday, she barely spoke to me, made snide remarks, glared at me every time I spoke.

She's not good with people being sick, when my uncle (her brother) had cancer, she didn't visit him at all. She couldn't cope with it, apparently.

I don't want her to have sympathy or pity, I'm doing okay. I just want her to understand that I feel awful some days, and might not be available to trot around doing whatever she wants. And for her to not get furious with me when I'm having a bad day.

For you. I know how tough it can be, I went through similar. I almost wondered if she was angry that I was kind of taking the attention off her, in a way?

Is there any way you could try to set some boundaries and civilly let her know that you're not blind to her attitude, and you'd appreciate a bit more understanding for your uncontrollable health issues? Good luck, OP.

Sorry you've had this too, @BerryHibiscus . Yes, I think that could be it. I'm not working at the moment as am physically unable to, but the last time I got a promotion, she was similarly stony faced when anyone congratulated me on it. She'd literally stare straight ahead, cross her arms and not say a word. It makes you feel like shit, doesn't it?

And laughably, when she has so much as a sniffle, I get the 'I'm so unwell, get me this that and the other from the pharmacy, and tend to me' phonecalls.

I'm trying to set boundaries. She's just very good at trampling on them.

It's all about her, isn't it?
You being ill might suggest she's bred a 'substandard' child, amd you have a valid excuse now to not make her needs your first priority.

It's funny (almost). I can hear the effort in my mother's voice when she asks me how a medical appointment has gone. Her counsellor must have told her she should, as She's never noticed or cared before! She mainly likes to complain that no one cares about her.

I hope you are ok, by the way. It is upsetting. I have a chronic condition and DM really struggles.

Firstly I'm sorry you are ill.

I would have her over for a coffee/tea (whichever she prefers) and say to her that her behaviour towards you is unacceptable. She has behaved very differently since your diagnosis and while no one plans to be ill at any point in their lives, or be diagnosed with a chronic condition, this is the hand that you've been dealt and you are dealing with it and so should she.

If she cannot deal with it then that's her problem but you are no longer going to put up with her sour-pus, pissed off approach to the situation. You're also not going to be at her beck and call because of this diagnosis so she may want to expand her friendship ring to include others who can trot off to the pharmacy/shop/wherever when she claims to need it.

I'd tackle it head on and let the chips fall where they will

Oh my god, @picklemewalnuts , that's exactly it. I've always been at her beck and call, and now that I'm not, it really makes her cross.

And yes re the substandard child - she can barely acknowledge that I'm ill. Has told me not to mention it to any of our family. It's like if she ignores it, it might go away. I'm genuinely not allowed to mention it to anyone other than the handful of people who she told. When I was in hospital, and she was weeping and wailing and getting sympathy for having a sick daughter. But not visiting me in hospital.

@LookItsMeAgain
"If she cannot deal with it then that's her problem but you are no longer going to put up with her sour-pus, pissed off approach to the situation. You're also not going to be at her beck and call because of this diagnosis so she may want to expand her friendship ring to include others who can trot off to the pharmacy/shop/wherever when she claims to need it."

^^ this with bells on.

I think that's quite sad really OP, my mother (who I cut contact with) was exactly the same when I was diagnosed with a chronic serious illness and sounds the same in general.

I think in the end it boiled down to a few things; her chronic inability to allow anyone else to ever be a 'victim' (not that I ever wanted to be treated as one anyway) other than her and secondarily her inability to maturely and rationally process anything she didn't like generally. It seemed to me that she perhaps felt guilty that there may have been a hereditary aspect to it, and of course was not able to confront that and mostly that she felt distaste that such a thing could have any association to her and looked for any way possible to distance herself from thoughts of that. " well you wouldn't have got it from me" -"I have all of those symptoms and just get on with it so perhaps its wrong".

Nonetheless not speaking to her anymore is the best thing I ever did for myself, even if the absence of a 'normal' and supportive mother figure is in itself, often very painful.

I'm sorry you've been unwell OP, it is really hard and you deserve better. Certainly I don't think it's too much to ask for your mother to be sympathetic in this scenario or offer you support and understanding whether you want it or not ( and I think we all need that sometimes frankly).

Bless you, Terry.

Have you read up on grey rock? It's really handy for keeping a calm, drama free relationship with someone like my mum. I don't want to totally cut her off, just give her fewer opportunities to mentally and emotionally beat me up!!

It's much easier when you stop hoping for her to be a nice nurturing mum, and start managing the relationship for your own benefit. She doesn't have to call the shots. You can do a good job of letting her think she does, while not actually letting her.

Never tell her you have boundaries, or what they are. That's just an invitation to push through them! Just quietly nudge things into a position that suits you.