Don’t think I can cope, when will something good happen after all this?

[yellohd]

I’m 35 today, expecting my first baby next month. My life is a mess. I am deeply unhappy, gp aware etc

I had an affair in my twenties…a man who told me a sob story about his separation that I believed. Never felt so used and broken, I still feel the dirty feeling even now.

I had an abortion at 31 with a man who basically turned on me when we found out I was pregnant. He contacted me asking if I had terminated and didn’t give a shit whether I was ok.

My last relationship I thought was perfect and I probably messed it up but he was weird about the pregnancy despite professing to want kids ASAP as he was in his forties. We fell out over his drinking and inconsistency. He stopped speaking ages ago. No idea what’s going to happen with birth or maintenance or whether he wants to see the baby. I’m dead to him.

Ive been off sick for 3 months now, first time in my life for more than a day. I will probably lose my job.

I feel so scared about the future. I desperately wanted a family and have searched for it my whole life. I don’t know how I will cope mentally. I feel horrendous all the time. I’m so scared and sad and cut myself up about the last relationship, the one I should have been better at.

I probably deserve all I’ve got but the baby doesn’t and I’m in no fit state to be a mum.

I don’t know what to do to even get through the next hour

You aren't solely at fault for relationship breakdowns, you are being far too hard on yourself. Continue to seek gp support, take anything offered, and speak to your employer to see what support they can offer you- counselling etc through work health schemes is sometimes available. You have to try really hard to shift your perspective and find any positives you can, and stop expecting the worst. Do you have friends and family to speak to? They will tell you what you need to hear too. All the best and take care

You don't deserve to have bad things happen to you. I am sorry you feel so broken. I am also feeling overwhelmed by my life at the moment. I didn't want you to feel alone.

Look at it this way. In a month, you will be a happy family of two. You will love someone who loves you back unconditionally. You will be on maternity leave so the pressure will be off for a while.

I discovered the urge to protect and provide is so strong that the fact dp acted like a complete git wasn't relevant. I've powered through the last 14 years on my own.

Don't underestimate your own abilities xx

Thank you @PleaseYourselfandEatTheCrusts @Vinylloving And so sorry to hear you are feeling similar.

I feel in constant distress. I am such a mess. I just want to feel better.

@MintJulia you sound much stronger than me. I used to cope but I don’t anymore.

I am so so so sad. What if I don’t love the baby? I feel nothing for them right now :( what if I see my ex in him? What if I can’t help looking back and wishing things were different? What if I am alone now for the next 30 years or I die and ds is left alone? I am in such distress and feel so much guilt and worry. Also work could get rid of me when I come back, I was performing terribly before leave.

I’m so worried about everything especially money. I can’t even claim maintenance until weeks after baby is here as you need to register birth etc.

I do understand how you feel.

In a month's time you will be holding a beautiful, but terrifying little bundle. I couldn't believe they actually let me take him home without passing an exam. I had literally never fed a baby, never changed a nappy, never seen baby poo. I kept thinking I was going to break him. But I worked it out. I bought a baby care book, I had mumsnet and I had a sister to ring if I was panicking. And the health visitor.

I managed not to drop him (a towel on the floor is the best changing table, they can't roll). I got things wrong regularly. Best two things I did were to buy a bath thermometer - no faffing around with your elbow- and to stay in touch with another single mum from the maternity unit. We kept checking with each other, didn't feel so alone.

If you aren't sure, pm me. I'll be here. But you'll be great. xx