Have I been too strict with DD

[ArtOfTheImpossible]

For context I have reasonably strong ADHD/ Autistic traits and struggle with understanding human behaviour so sometimes need it interpreted / spelt out for me.

My DD age 8 has a best friend. I haven't seen them together much in the past couple of years, they spend every break together at school though, but yesterday saw/heard them together. To me it seemed like the conversation was comprised of 1. The best friend saying guess what / then boasting about something she did over the summer 2. My DD saying something she did but the best friend negating it in a kind of 'meh' way (they had done similar holidays) 3. The best friend's favourite phrase being 'I don't care' 4. The best friend talking 'at' my DD but whenever DD talked, interrupting and not listening. 5. DD seeming quite inarticulate / unsure of herself when talking at times (when she isn't at home)..I didn't say anything but I felt upset/angry listening to it. But then I've never been great with people and social stuff.

When I talked to same best friend she did similar - the 'I don't care' in response to a light question about going back to school soon, shrugging at me and walking off, unless she wanted something (I paid for snacks, but she came back to ask for more).

I've been reflecting whether I've raised DD to be too mild mannered, or easy for adults to manage. To the point where she's vulnerable in her own peer group. She is an only child and I'm a lone parent (single mother, no father contact). She has always been an easy, mild mannered child but I've probably also shut down 'attitude' quite quickly. I am wondering whether I've done it too much, if she can't hold her own and stick up for herself, or represent herself. If this is the way other children are. I don't want her to be rude but I do want her to feel confident in herself and not have a sense of being trodden on.

What would you do in my situation, are there any book recommendations for me or DD. I've found some for teenagers but she is just 8 so not sure they are going to be relevant yet.

My dd is similar and interacts similarly with peers. It also really upsets me to hear it, all I hear is constant one-upmanship which my dd doesn't engage in much as she doesn't communicate like that at home, and then she gets ignored and also I notice that other adults then decide she is shy. I don't necessarily agree with this, it's just that she doesn't want to have to continuously outdo her friends with talking like this. But I can see why she is viewed how she is. And she struggles with friendships and tends to get left out. It goes against who I am to encourage her to learn to communicate in the same way, but maybe I am just being stubborn. But for me, a friendship is about way more than who has had the best holiday as that is such a subjective experience anyway. The whole thing makes me sad and I struggle with it a lot OP. I don't know what the answer is. She doesn't seem too affected yet, but I do think it upsets her to be left out. I don't know how to communicate back to the kids who seem to only say things that are derogatory about her to me, I know this comes from a place where most of their conversation is about how much better they are than everyone else, rather than in being about my daughter. Maybe I am wrong or confused about it all tho. I don't have any answers.

Also I can really relate with the bit you said about your daughter not being sure what to say back to her friends, my daughter seems to become progressively more withdrawn as she interacts with them, but I guess that is normal if you know you are not being listened to. I do the same.

Does she have other friends at school who could be useful as playdates, to hopefully loosen the "besties" stranglehold? It might also be worth asking her teacher if there are others she interacts with, to find out if it's just one child who steps all over her in conversation. It sounds a bit like worship, where she thinks the bestie is the greatest person in the world, and maybe just isn't so confident around her? Perhaps there are other kids who would be more kind?

if you've not allowed her even a little bit of 'attitude' then honestly you probably have been too strict it's not what you want to hear but it's probably true if your in the uk sarcasm and 'being rude' is a massive part of communication and some parents just allow no leeway at all i'm not saying let her be downright rude but an occasional rolling of the eyes won't hurt anyone imo

Thank you.

I don't want to be that parent who controls who my DD is friends with, she is generally good at making friends e.g. if we go to any playground she will usually quickly find another child usually a girl of similar age to play with happily. She has better skills than I did at same age. I don't claim to be good at this so I'm worried about getting it wrong by trying to fix it. At school she speaks to others I think but this girl is the chosen best friend for a few years now.

lailamaria I think I would say DD understands humour, so we can call each other names with affection, play fight, roll eyes - but she also knows where the boundaries are. Some things the best friend said/did took me aback. Such as telling DD that as visitor in our house she got to make the rules, and that she didn't have to put any toys away and DD had to do it all, and DD was going ahead and doing it because the friend wouldn't (I heard this last one from the next room and went in to say firmly i expected them both to work together to do it).

They also played nicely at points and the best friend wasn't like this every minute. I don't want to paint her as the worst child ever, that wouldn't be fair.

I think kids that age test their power.

Does your daughter see/hear you say things like “Sorry, No that doesn’t work for me.”, or are you compliant to other people’s will to your own detriment.

Is she permitted to set any boundaries for herself that you don’t like.

Your dd sounds fine.

Her friend isn't the norm. Some children are bossy and enjoy manipulating others but that isn't something I'd be encouraging my child to copy.

What I did with my ds (he has asd) is question him about things and guide him to realising that certain children didn't treat him well and to recognise the friends that did.

For example "how did you feel when child refused to help you tidy up?" "Do other friends do this/ say this?" "Which friends do you enjoy spending time with the most and why?".

In my experience the friends like your DDS friend don't often have many other friends because they are bossy, domineering and not nice to be around. So when they find someone passive like your DD they control the situation in the hope that friendship remains strong. But your dd has every right not to put up with it.

You've done nothing wrong in raising DD but do think it's perfectly fine to teach her that she doesn't have to put up with people like this and she can stand up for herself.

For example "actually friend. As a visitor in my house you need to follow our house rules or you can't come again. So I expect you to tidy up the mess you make. Thankyou".

This just doesn't sound like a very nice friend to me. I would talk to your dd about it. Say that friend seems to always need to think she's better than other people - ask her if she finds that and why she thinks that might be. Then say often when people try to make you feel you're not as good or boast that they are better it's because they have low self esteem. Then you can talk about that and hopefully help her realise friend isn't better, just trying to make herself feel better. Also talk to dd about boundaries and making decisions that are right for her, not because others tell her she should like or do things.

I think this is a friendship to keep a close eye on.

That is not how other children are OP. There is nothing wrong with how you have raised your DD. My DCs have had friends a bit like your DD’s friend and they just stop wanting to be friends with people like that eventually. Your DD’s friend will either learn to curb her behaviour as she gets older or not and will find fewer kids wanting to hang out with her.

Your daughter sounds like the sweet, nice girl that all teachers would want in their class. Her mate on the other hand sounds like a sassy madam who has had too much freedom.