Having the wind taken out of your sails

[MostTacticalNameChange]

Just read a thread from poster who organised something nice then a single comment from the 'D'P ruined it. Got me thinking of the times it has happened to me and how I cannot understand the careless spite. Sharing here for catharsis, solidarity, sympathy etc:

Just passed my driving test, rang my boyfriend and his first comment was 'was the examiner a man or a woman'. Unfortunately he was every bit as controlling as he sounds.

Been seeing someone for a couple of weeks, had told him how tough i was finding it back at parents after uni, one of the (daft) reasons being their love of the smelly deep fat fryer. I spent ages getting ready for the a date - looked great, he picked me up, gave me a hug, smelled my hair and asked if i'd been having a fry up with a big laugh. Yes "banter" but winded me after the effort I'd made. Then bollocked me for 'sulking' - i wasn't, just humiliated. Bloody married him eventually

Had a lovely afternoon out with a friend, she invited me and dc to lots of things over the summer - got home all happy, told dp about these invitations (ie camping in the summer, the beach for a day out, a bottomless brunch in a few months time etc) and he took straight to his bed. Eventually got out of him that he was fuming i'd made plans to spite him and didn't speak to me until i made it clear to my friend i wouldn't be accepting any of the invitations. God I can pick prize men!

Got into a good uni and went to tell my Nan. he said that was all well and good but if i didn't do something about my weight i'd still never catch a man.

There are more, but i just don't get the need to burst someone's bubble so quickly. Has this happened to you? Or have you done it to someone?!

yes, this happened all the time when I was a child, to the point where I never told anyone when anything good happened in case they ruined it and then I would feel silly and embarrassed for being excited at all.

Got a main part in the school play- "they were scraping the bottom of the barrel with you, did not many people audition haha"

Won a team sports tournament in primary school- "James was amazing and Tommy was so fast, of course they have to have a girl on the team to make it fair."

Came home to show my good school report- "good yeah nice, ill read it later"

Made a dress in textiles class took ages and I got a good grade for it,- "that colour doesn't do you any favours does it"

Its a shitty thing to do to someone- i am so excited when my kids are proud of things now, I praise every wonky lego tower and every page of colouring in.
And I'm happy with them for every grade and cool hairstyle they learn to do and every song on the recorder.

Got a good promotion at work - small company. I was telling my inlaws about my promotion and how my boss was keen for me to develop the training side of the business. My MIL's only comment? "Is he married?" Obviously he only promoted me as he fancied me!

I recently started a new job. I was telling my mother about it (I didn't really want to as she always makes backhanded remarks, but she kept asking me). I said the team all seem lovely, then I laughed and said they're all quite posh. My mother's comment? "What on earth do they make of you?" Thanks mum. She also came to our lovely new home, that fronts onto some parkland with mature trees and views across fields, and when I mentioned it was handy for walking the dog she said "Oh, you call it parkland do you? I think of it more as wasteland". And she wonders why I'm low contact.

Made a dress in textiles class took ages and I got a good grade for it,- "that colour doesn't do you any favours does it"
That's classic isn't it. An acquaintance of mine likes to say "It's very flattering" when commenting (uninvited) on what I'm wearing, as though I have loads of physical faults that need disguising.

When we told PIL we were expecting a baby. I was so excited. MIL expressed how devastated and shamed she was (because we were not married, although we were in our 30's and had been together 7 years).

I will never forget that feeling of sadness that she inflicted on what should have been such a special moment.

“Hey Mum I’ve just been offered a job!”
”What’s it do with?”
”Editing interviews for a financial magazine”
”Boring”

They're such nasty comments OP, why do people feel the need? 🙁 I've got many examples of this, mainly from my mum when I was younger! 🙁 A few examples -

I was 19, and told my mum someone at work (who I secretly liked!) had asked me out on a date. Her response - 'Oh I suppose you'll be too embarrassed to go into work now, you're so blooming self-conscious'! Btw, I married him and we've been together 30 years! 😀

Telling her about my promotion which involved going away on a week's training course - 'Why on earth did you put yourself forward? You're not a 'career' type!'

A school music teacher telling my ds he had talent (dh & I were so pleased for him as he struggles academically at times).
Mum's reaction - 'Crumbs you're easily taken in - he just wants you to sign ds up for lessons and make money out of you!'
This wasn't the case btw, and ds did really well with him.

I don't really bother telling Mum any of our good news now. 🤔

My mum does this everytime. With her it’s part of being a narc, she has to piss on your chips. The minute something nice happens she will manufacture an emergency or find a way to make it rubbish. The attention cannot be off her for a moment, she must be catered to at all times, being happy about yourself is vain, even if something bad happens and you cope alright with it, she’ll find a way to add to your load etc

However my sister in law also does it in a much more basic way and that’s just plain jealousy 😂

It's so hurtful, isn't it. 🤔
Even if I mention somewhere dh & I have been and enjoyed, or a film/show I've seen it's the same response -

'Oh so-and-so went there, she didn't think much of it' or 'I saw a review of that film, apparently it was a load of rubbish!'

In contrast, anything my sister does is amazing in Mum's view! Dh tells me to just accept that's how she is, but she's not like it with everybody, just us, so it seems. I tell her less and less now, but can't help feeling hurt by it.

When I told my mum I was pregnant, her first question was 'is it your husband's?'. I laughed and moved on but I'm still wtf-ing years later.

My mum is also very good at not only making a good situation bad, but a bad situation worse...car broken into and trashed? You were asking for it having a nice radio. H having an affair? Well surely you could have seen the signs and done some about it. Assaulted by a stranger? What did you do to provoke that.

Sorry to all who have encountered these pricks. I sometimes have intrusive thoughts when talking to people but thankfully have a functioning filter. And anything that does pop into my head is from my own insecurities.

Told FIL & his wife I was pregnant.

Her: 'Really? I thought you'd be barren at your age'.

I was 35.

“When I told my mum I was pregnant, her first question was 'is it your husband's?'. I laughed and moved on but I'm still wtf-ing years later.”

That is a) horrible and b) weird.

My mother was also a classic nasty comment maker—- praise was reserved for boys. Anything I shone at as a child was because she’d been good at that, of course.

Yeah I know someone who cannot stop pissing on peoples chips (including mine.) I now tell her nothing about my life. She must think I'm incredibly boring these days.

OP "got home all happy, told dp about these invitations (ie camping in the summer, the beach for a day out, a bottomless brunch in a few months time etc) and he took straight to his bed"

is this your current DP?

I dumped a BF when he got annoyed at seeing "congrats" cards for my post grad, which I did at night school on top of work. He said the senders were being OTT and stupid. I later heard that a colleague of his had asked him to pass on their congrats and he got annoyed. Certainly the message never reached me.

twenty years later, .i must admit, I am more sympathetic, but I still wouldn't want it in my life.

When I passed my driving test my dad asked how many attempts. I said 3, he said well why has it taken that long? No well done or anything.

When we found out before my son was born that we were expecting a boy, he said oh well maybe next time.

There are more and the lesson learnt was share good news with people who are happy for you and don't make you feel crap!

The one I remember was getting into choir at school and being really excited and running out to tell dm. They took only a few children after audition so it was quite a big thing. It was also one of the first firsts that I had got and my older sister hadn't done first, so it felt particularly special.

Dm said: "That's going to take a lot of your time up. I'd rather you hadn't auditioned."

Now Dm was normally our first cheerleader, so I'd been expecting her to be thrilled for me, so I really felt put down. I, probably unfairly, blamed my brother who I felt always had to do everything better than me, but was tone deaf so wasn't going to get in, and thought dm was just not wanting the strop from him when he didn't get in.
However what I didn't know was that my gran was seriously ill and we had to go to see her every other weekend (over 200 miles away) so her worry on the time was probably more that she knew we were all going to be under pressure that term, so it probably was more to do with that.

I'm sure I've said equally tactless things to my dc when I've had my mind on different matters.

Yes this happened/happens to me a lot especially with family. When my DC wee younger I always felt there was an air of playing my news things down as my Dsis had kids similar ages and they couldn't cope with praising mine/being enthusiastic. So much so that I stopped sharing anything at all because the complete lack of enthusiasm for me and my DC compared to the over the top enthusiasm about Dsis,it made me very sad and upset. The shame is that it has greatly affected the relationship between me and my DC and my family.

Home at the end of term with my report. Either in LVIth or O level year. 'D'M opened it and read it. DF asked if anything interesting in it.

Her reply ? Her maths has gone down 5%, yes true. I'd got 88%!!

The day I got my O'level results - which included several top grades - my mother said to me: "Well 'O' stands for ordinary so everybody should be able to pass those."

Gee, thanks mum.

Careless Spite

It’s never careless, it’s practiced.

Yes we’re in the process of buying a house outside of the area we live in now due to the fact it’s a very similar price for a 3 bedroom house that our 1 bedroom flat sold for.
It’s also not a million miles away and we love the area we’re moving to. But if I have to hear “are you happy about the move” or “are you having any second thoughts” one more time I’m going to scream!

I remember getting ready to go to a party when I was 15. I wasn't very confident or pretty and I always felt overweight, even though I was size 10/12. I borrowed a white skirt from my friend that was a size 10. I told my Mum it was a size 10 and she said it doesn't mean you are a size 10 and said the belt on it drew attention to my hips.

During a uni holiday I met up with some friends for a weekend and stayed at one of their houses. My Mum asked me what I'd done, I told her. We'd been to the cinema, bowling that sort of thing. She said, so you've spent and spent all weekend then

Jesus, no, thank god, not current dp but it took me way too long to get away from him. He hated me having anything - plans, money, success, attention. He out-earned me x10 but, like yours, hated i was more educated/qualified. Took every opportunity to slag off degrees/unis/students

In the 'top 3' for spelling at Junior school. 96 words out of 100 correct. Of course mum wanted to know which four I had manage to get wrong.

I imagine these people do actually like/love us, they just can't let us get too big for our boots so a good and immediate slapping down is the remedy.