Feeling dread about new baby

[Mebgtj]

I’m basically on my own - me and ex separated and he said he’d be an active parent but he’s very much disappeared the last few weeks.

I have spoken to midwife etc but I still feel shit.

The people I’ve confided in have each said how hard it will be, looking almost terrified for me. One said I would struggle to cope and what was I going to do? On the back of this I’ve got a night nanny three nights a week out of pure fear. I can barely afford it but feel better having it in place.

Its been endless comments like this. My mental health is obviously already in a bad place. I don’t feel one jot of happiness, just that I will feel it’s ‘relentless in a way I can’t imagine.’ I feel like I’m about to join a brutal regime or prison. No exaggeration. My whole life I wanted a child and I just wish I wasn’t alive right now. I just see bleakness ahead.

I've been on my own since dd was 3 months old. Zero contact with father, no family support.
Went back to work full time when she was 9 months old, she's nearly 5, and most of the time we muddle along nicely.

I won't lie, it's the hardest thing I've ever done, very difficult when you have no-one to depend on, or help out in an emergency, plus financially it sucks. You have to be militantly organised, and make sure you are ten steps ahead of yourself the whole time.

But she's the best thing that ever happened to me, I am a far better, stronger and more confident person, because I've had to be. Resigned myself to the fact that I won't have actual freedom for another 10 years or so, but turns out that actually that doesn't bother me much at all.