Feel lonely but I push people away

[sanddownthatwall]

I've noticed a pattern in behaviour really

I feel lonely, and get quite excited when someone is really friendly and has moved conversation onto a 'Friendship' level.

But then I feel suffocated. Someone messaging me feels exhausting. I don't want to reply. I don't have time or feel like it. It's like it's an invasion of my personal space

I have had ample opportunity to make good friends but I can never do it

One of my 'friends' is a very nice and approachable counsellor. I asked her to brutally describe me. She says 'you're the woman everyone likes and thinks is really nice, but you're not close to anyone at all'

I like it like that really. I feel a sense of ease if something big is on the news for example. Everyone is talking about it. I feel safe, like in a cocoon, that I'm not the topic of conversation at all

And at other times I want to be centre stage. I want people to really notice me and acknowledge how great I am. How caring I am, what a good person and mum I am

I don't really do Facebook posts at all. But I get very excited for example when I announced my pregnancies. Then the comments feel too overwhelming and I end up not responding

I did think maybe it's BPD but I don't have any anger problems or outbursts like that. I am however quite impulsive

I don't fit the criteria of ever smoking, doing drugs or heavy drinking but I did have a lot of unprotected sex with whoever when I was younger. Never used contraception with H and have always terminated if it results in an unwanted pregnancy

Please no hate. I've tried to be as honest as I can

Bump

I'm very similar OP. I'm not sure what your question is though.

Just wondering if this is who I am really. Or if it's the symptoms of an actual disorder or illness

Why do you think you choose abortion as birth control, when there are many, many ways to avoid something that can be upsetting and traumatic? Or have your abortions never upset you, which is perfectly fine if they haven't.

They've never ever upset me. Just a means to an end to me.

I never fancied any hormonal contraceptives. And didn't fancy a rod in my arm, on something in my cervix. Just didn't want to and found the abortion pill much easier (it probably continued because I had 0 pain passing the pregnancy)

If you want a diagnosis visit your GP.

FOMO? There's nothing wrong with you. Just you like the idea of people but when it comes to it, you just CBA.

You need to find a reliable birth control method that's not terminating unwanted pregnancies.

Just a thought, but is there any chance you could have adhd? What you've described is very similar to me. People with adhd often struggle with maintaining friendships. I have FOMO and can also feel quite down when I think about and realise friends haven't included me in plans or I just don't have anyone close enough to arrange a coffee with or anything. But then when friends do message or even work / school group messages come through I find them a bit overwhelming and often don't reply or just forget to reply.

Do you struggle with any other teaks in your life? Staying organised? Keeping things tidy? Poor memory etc? Spontaneous / reckless behaviour?

*meant to say the spontaneous / reckless behaviour could include the multiple pregnancy terminations...

Are you from a culture where abortion is a “standard” for of birth control?

It seems very jarring to me.

I have BPD and you sound a bit like me. I also have no (outward) anger issues or outbursts. All the bad feelings I take out on myself, not others.

I would recommend counselling to investigate why. If you are happy being this way you can just accept it and let it be. If not, it may be something to investigate.

You sound conflicted, and when I feel conflicted I like to get to the bottom of it.

What has your life been like, your childhood, your significant experiences? Many people find the answers there.

I feel a lot like this, very lonely and on my own 80% of the time but when someone makes an effort I feel stifled and pressured. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not a sociable person and I just wish I was someone else so I'd fit in more with society.

Social anxiety? Fear of rejection? Low self esteem? We don't always realise we have an issue or why when it's been the case for a long time, we just know we feel unhappy or lonely or stuck.

If you have the means the best thing to do is find a qualified therapist to go over it with, find the root cause and look at mechanisms to adapt behaviours if they're having a negative impact on your life, if you want that.

Relying on abortion as pregnancy prevention seems rather brutal on ones own body even if you have no emotional attachment to the product of it (which is your own choice).