Page 2 | Just a vent upset for my son

workiskillingme · 2022-08-21T11:35:19+00:00

He's 6. Nobody has asked us to meet in the holidays and I've messaged a few people who have just ignored me or said they can't make it. I know people are away but to just ignore is pretty shitty. He keeps asking me weekly why he can't see any of his friends this week

brookstar · 21/08/2022 15:18

Lots of parents work during the holidays making play dates difficult.

redskyatnight · 21/08/2022 15:23

Many working parents have the entire summer holiday mapped out well in advance - it has to be so that you can make sure that you have childcare covered for every day. It makes a random unexpected play date difficult to accommodate.

Why not just take your DC to a local park/wherever local children go? Chances are he'll see someone he knows, or can strike up a new friendship.

Original poster

workiskillingme · 21/08/2022 16:39

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 21/08/2022 15:07

Do you have a parent Facebook or WhatsApp group for his class? If so maybe post that you are going to x park at x time and that anyone is invited to meet you there.

otherwise like people suggested maybe invite a child for a play date to yours.

Yes
Everyone but one person has ignored me 😢

OP posts:

Original poster

workiskillingme · 21/08/2022 16:40

Penguinfeather781 · 21/08/2022 14:46

We don’t really see the kid’s school friends in the holidays, especially over the summer. They spend six hours a day with them in term time, they actually need a break and time to do other things and see other people. And I’ve usually had enough of making small talk with school parents on play dates by that point. We also do a lot of travelling, day trips, family visits etc so we don’t have a lot of free time. I wouldn’t ignore you (unless I didn’t get the message because my phone was out of range/switched off), but I would reply that afraid we were busy but looked forward to seeing you in September. It wouldn’t be personal or reflect anything about you or your son.

I know that but some other kids meet up with each other. Must just be a particularly cliquey year group unfortunately

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 21/08/2022 17:26

I know that but some other kids meet up with each other. Must just be a particularly cliquey year group unfortunately

Or could it be that those parents are actually friends so have arranged something between them. Just because you happen to be friends doesn't make you a clique.

I will occasionally do impromptu play dates with 2 other mums and their kids as we all live within about 20 metres of each other, the kids get on well and we're friends and we can have a chat. We're not a 'clique' we just know each other and if bored on a Tuesday can ask if they want to come round and because we know them well they won't judge that we haven't done the washing up or if there are piles of clothes everywhere!!!

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 21/08/2022 17:29

workiskillingme · 21/08/2022 16:40

I know that but some other kids meet up with each other. Must just be a particularly cliquey year group unfortunately

Show quote history

It's no other adults responsibility to entertain, socialise or even care about your son. That's just your job.

Life is busy. If you have so much time then spend it engaging with your son

redskyatnight · 21/08/2022 19:04

I know that but some other kids meet up with each other. Must just be a particularly cliquey year group unfortunately

do you talk to parents during term time? Does your child go on playdates/invite others on playdates during term time? If you don't interact with others during term time, it's no surprise they are ignoring you now. If you do, then it suggests they aren't cliquey.

Original poster

workiskillingme · 21/08/2022 20:45

Yeah I do all that
I find it pretty upsetting that people will just shun others who reach out but seems my expectations are all wrong

OP posts:

Original poster

workiskillingme · 21/08/2022 20:47

NerrSnerr · 21/08/2022 17:26

I know that but some other kids meet up with each other. Must just be a particularly cliquey year group unfortunately

Or could it be that those parents are actually friends so have arranged something between them. Just because you happen to be friends doesn't make you a clique.

I will occasionally do impromptu play dates with 2 other mums and their kids as we all live within about 20 metres of each other, the kids get on well and we're friends and we can have a chat. We're not a 'clique' we just know each other and if bored on a Tuesday can ask if they want to come round and because we know them well they won't judge that we haven't done the washing up or if there are piles of clothes everywhere!!!

So if someone else tried to make an effort or showed an interest in meeting because your kids play with mine at school you'd just ignore them? Because yes that does sound cliquey to me
We talk about parents feeling isolated etc but how can that ever change if people aren't willing to try and include others?

OP posts:

autienotnaughty · 21/08/2022 20:48

Similar I have a couple of friends with kids similar age but not managed to meet. Think people tend to meet more with their friends at this age or neighbours so kids just play together. My ds goes holiday club while I'm at work (two days) and then e go parks/soft play etc where he can play with others

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 21/08/2022 20:57

workiskillingme · 21/08/2022 20:47

So if someone else tried to make an effort or showed an interest in meeting because your kids play with mine at school you'd just ignore them? Because yes that does sound cliquey to me
We talk about parents feeling isolated etc but how can that ever change if people aren't willing to try and include others?

Show quote history

Because we're not 5 in school where we're forced to be friends. I don't have a friendship vacancy. So if someone did try I would just not be interested. The fact I am friends with others is none of anyone else's business.

Penguinfeather781 · 21/08/2022 21:28

workiskillingme · 21/08/2022 20:47

So if someone else tried to make an effort or showed an interest in meeting because your kids play with mine at school you'd just ignore them? Because yes that does sound cliquey to me
We talk about parents feeling isolated etc but how can that ever change if people aren't willing to try and include others?

Show quote history

I wouldn’t ignore a direct personal message addressed to me, at least not the first time, but I wouldn’t reply to a message on a class WhatsApp group or something asking about if anyone wanted to meet up unless I was going to say yes. You’re coming across as fairly needy to be honest, if you’re like this in real life I’d probably be reluctant to engage much too.

I spend most months of every year being polite and friendly and making small talk with my child’s friend’s parents in the park and at parties and being inclusive.

But I don’t think it’s all that unreasonable during the holidays to prioritise seeing people I actually want to spend time with - my actual friends, yes some of whom have children that are good friends with mine. I want to relax and have in depth conversation with people I know well and have over many years built good friendships with. If I’m taking advantage of the summer to arrange a whole day meet up or a trip somewhere together (rather than an hour after school) I want it to be with people I know well and where I can be fairly sure our children won’t squabble. Basically I want time off from people where the only thing I have in common with them is our children are in the same class. It’s not “cliquey”, it’s normal friendship dynamics amongst grown ups. It’s six weeks, and it’s two thirds over already anyway, so just reassure your son he’ll see his friends soon and do something else with him.

StarDolphins · 21/08/2022 21:34

My DD goes to holiday club (most of her friends go there too) as practically all the parents have to work.

other than that, she’s only seen my friends with kids the same age. Otherwise I just did stuff with her

I wouldn’t take it personally- is there any way you could put him into holiday club x1 per week? Or any kids on your street/estate?

Anywhereelse · 21/08/2022 21:42

If you can send him to a holiday club a couple of times a week, and take him to places where there will be children. During term-time try and build up more of a rapport with other parents and/or do play dates and then in the holidays you may find parents are more receptive to you hosting a play date, even if it’s just for a couple of hours.

NerrSnerr · 21/08/2022 21:48

I wouldn't ignore a private message but I wouldn't go out of my way to meet up with someone I didn't know well as in the holidays there's barely any time to meet up with people I have been trying to catch up with for ages (who have children who are friends with mine!)

I bet it's not personal at all.

Have you made friends at the school gate or from baby groups or nursery?

MargaretThursday · 21/08/2022 21:51

I very rarely did playdates during the summer holidays.

But one thing occurs to me: Mine are older, but now dh is working at home it would vastly reduce down doing playdates at home during the day. He'd have coped for after school, but I don't think doing them during the main day would have worked with him WFH.
We don't have a separate room for him to be in, which doesn't help there, but he was always in the office before Covid, but the company got rid of the office when the lease came up as everyone was working at home so he doesn't have a choice.

Quveas · 21/08/2022 21:56

So OP - you have ignored every single piece of advice unless you can bend it to everyone else being responsible for for your isolation? Have you considered that the root of the issue may lie with you? It's them all being cliquey, not you not making any effort to find activities or anything else for your son?

GoAround · 21/08/2022 22:02

At DD’s school a lot of parents work so the ‘socialising’ is usually holiday clubs. We coordinated via the class chat and booked them all back in June. Every time DD has gone to one, she’s had a whole group of friends there. We’ve done the odd playdate but really only where we’re friendly with the parents since between the clubs and being away, there isn’t actually that much time left.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/08/2022 22:03

Must just be a particularly cliquey year group unfortunately

But have you spent time during the last few years building relationships with your DS's friends parents? Have playdates been exchanged? If so they should absolutely reply to you even if they can't meet up. But if you are just messaging the class group then people who aren't free won't reply.

Original poster

workiskillingme · 21/08/2022 22:57

TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/08/2022 22:03

Must just be a particularly cliquey year group unfortunately

But have you spent time during the last few years building relationships with your DS's friends parents? Have playdates been exchanged? If so they should absolutely reply to you even if they can't meet up. But if you are just messaging the class group then people who aren't free won't reply.

I've tried but just get shunned
It's pretty shitty tbf and I'm feeling quite isolated

OP posts:

Original poster

workiskillingme · 21/08/2022 22:58

Quveas · 21/08/2022 21:56

So OP - you have ignored every single piece of advice unless you can bend it to everyone else being responsible for for your isolation? Have you considered that the root of the issue may lie with you? It's them all being cliquey, not you not making any effort to find activities or anything else for your son?

Of course I have and I've taken him places . But what's wrong with asking and trying to arrange play dates with his school friends?

OP posts:

mondaytosunday · 21/08/2022 23:27

I don't recall setting up many if any play dates over the holidays. I learned in the first year that everyone just disappears (summer born, made the mistake of trying to arrange a summer party).
If you are getting little response from direct invites then you just have to arrange things to do yourself. Summer activity camp, arty party, ball play etc.

Vgtasd · 21/08/2022 23:33

I feel for you OP, I wouldn't want to go through the parental clique nonsense again that occurred at my kids primary school, a couple of holiday clubs might be a good idea? Or have you a local park that parents take their kids to? I found this was a good way to get my kids involved x

TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/08/2022 23:40

But what's wrong with asking and trying to arrange play dates with his school friends?

Absolutely nothing! Summer holidays can be a dead spot, but if he has good friendships at school it is really odd that all overtures at playdates have been blanked for the last two years. Have his friends attended his birthday parties?

BloodyCamping · 21/08/2022 23:52

Pack a picnic and hang out at your local park regularly.