Feeling so embarrassed about my master dissertation, I can't focus on my upcoming defense

[TheCutter]

Hi everyone,

I'm feeling dreadful today and just hoping for any advice (or a kick up the bum).
I'm currently sitting in the library fighting the urge to run home and avoid my master dissertation.

Overall, my master grade is sitting at a 2:1 which I know is a good grade. But I completely messed up my dissertation (wrote it with a baby at home, no family nearby, husband was fantastic but worked full time, baby still not sleeping through the night, lost 3 weeks to baby's illness then 1 week me, and my mum then my auntie wanted to come in December to give me two-three straight weeks to focus on my master dissertation but weren't allowed to fly to Germany because of Omicron). I ended up getting a German grade 2,7 which is the equivalent to a C, so 2:2. I re-read my dissertation just now, and I'm just embarrassed at how awful it is. I cringe and want to ignore it.

I have my defence in 2 weeks and I'm trying to study for it and I feel so deflated defending something I know has so many mistakes and is awful. I'm usually quite positive and determined to do my best and family / friends are telling me I did well considering the circumstances but I can't help but feel I've let myself down (I wanted to do a PhD and try get a job at a uni).

Don't really know why I'm posting really. I suppose getting it off my chest and hoping for any words of advice.

Thanks everyone

when you come to defend it don’t focus on the negatives.in my explanation of X author I used their view on Y (whatever your topic is) and I used C author in which they state DFG in contrast/back up claims of X author. I came to the conclusion that X and Y authors differences/same opinion on (your dissertation paragraph subject) is due to (e.g lack of available research at the time/changes to how this type of research is now conducted…etc etc)

we can all do better but you have to defend what was in your dissertation based on why you used the materials you did.

whilst there were circumstances that may have affected your work you submitted a paper and now is you chance to tell people all about it you can’t change it so own it. Be proud.

Agree with the above. Divide and conquer.
Divide it up into doable chunks and start to analyse what you’ve written as @MadonnasKebab describes. Don’t know how you did any of it with a baby so be proud of yourself.

Also, examiners want you to do well. I examine and would be much more convinced if you were able to explain what you had done and identify how you might change that if you started again ( as in with what you know now). I often ask a question like that. No research is perfect and being able to learn from what you have done is key. The students I find hardest at viva are those who can't talk to their written work. That sounds not the case here at all. You can do this!

@MadonnasKebab thank you. This is actually very helpful as it's given me a focus instead of just staring my blank paper. Going through the findings now and taking notes. And attempting to find the bits I think are not bad!

@Agadoodoododont thank you. I never imagined it would be as difficult as it was.

@purplepandas that's nice to hear, thank you! I get so nervous with exams, sometimes I think they're going to ask difficult questions to catch you out so it's nice to hear examiners are mostly on your side. I have already taken notes on mistakes in my paper and what I would do differently so I feel I have a good answer there (I guess it's trying to pick out the good parts of a rubbish paper that is tricky 😅)

I felt like this with my masters (maybe a bit more extreme than you). I hung onto the bloody thing until the last minute before submitting. Frantically editing, re-editing, fretting over mistakes, typos, the format. In the end I was convinced it was so shit and awful that I would fail my MSc. I submitted and cried for days. I also remember feeling a huge sense of embarassment.

Turns out, it wasn't shit at all and I had just heaped too much pressure on myself. I passed and all was fine.

My MSc thesis didn't have a defence requirement, but my PhD did. And of course same thing, I was convinced it was dire and that I was about to get chewed out. But again it was actually fine and I really enjoyed the defence.

It doesn't have to be perfect. And I'm assuming that if you have a defence then you will also have a chance to make some corrections? So try not to stress and take it as an opportunity to discuss your work and area of expertise with a fellow academic.

Deep breath. You've got this.

Also be bloody proud for finishing a thesis with a baby!! I have an 8 week old and all I finish around here are Netflix series and packets of biscuits. What you've accomplished is amazing.

@sanabria thank you! And congratulations on your PhD and new baby. I hope to get to that PhD defence one day too.
I'm doing my best to pick out the strong points / the findings but there really are so many holes, I'm still cringing as I go through it 😅still I'm not letting myself stop!

I'll give it it my best! I also found out last minute that I have to do a 30 minute oral on an unrelated topic with 12 pieces of literature so I've been needing to do that too. Although I feel more confident about that as I'm usually pretty good at oral exams(touch wood!) 😅