Hosting people

[Riverlee]

Have the rules on hosting people changed? There seems to be a lot of cf threads recently regarding people staying at other peoples houses.

When I host, I expect to provide everything the guest needs - bedding, food, alcohol etc. I don’t expect to be taken out, takeaways paid for, or consider how much money is being saved by staying with me. I don’t expect guests to help themselves to alcohol stored away in a cupboard, but if it’s out, then help yourself.

I do agree that’s it’s rude to turn up without a thank you gift though - wine, chocolate etc.

Is it an age thing - do the younger generation have different expectations to older generations?

I wouldn't dream of helping myself to alcohol without asking . I would make a cup of tea though.

If I stay in somebody's house, I always take them a gift and/or buy them a restaurant meal. It depends a bit on how long I'm staying. Recently we stayed at friends' for a week and wee room gifts and took tbem out for a posh meal.

We took them gifts

These threads are always really divisive on MN.
It's like the threads about inviting someone out to celebrate a birthday etc. some people tho k that means you don't have to pay a Penny where as others expect to pay your own way.

Personally, I wouldn't turn up at someone's house and expect them to pay for everything. I would absolutely contribute to food and drink as well as buying a thank you present.

If you're talking about the thread from yesterday and today, those guests invited themselves for an indeterminate period of time, were rude to OP, and drank all of their alcohol.

Do you think their behaviour was fine?

I think the majority of the threads you mention are guests almost inviting themselves as the poster lives in a particularly attractive area.
When family/friends come to stay I treat them as I would wish to be treated at their home.
A small gift such as flowers and booze on arrival, a thank you note when we return home. If we are staying for more than a couple of nights I book a restaurant on their recommendation, and pay for everyone as an extra thank you.I have hosted teens to 90's and they all behave similarly.
The guests mentioned on other threads don't sound like they plan to ever invite the op and her family back to theirs.

I think there s a difference between "hosting" someone and allowing someone to use your home as a "holiday base".

Hosting to me implies that you explicitly invited the guests to stay with you, and the purpose of the visit is to spend time with you and your family.

In this situation I agree, I would provide everything (but would expect at least some form of thank you....)

The threads I have seen recently are from posters who live in holiday locations and the guests have ASKED if they can stay with the OP. The primary reason for the visit is not to spend time with the OP, but to have a holiday and save money by staying with the OP instead of coughing up for a hotel/B&B.

In that situation then no, the "host" should not provide anything other than the guest room.

Have you invited the guests to stay so you can socialise with them, or have they invited themselves so they can use your house as a holiday?

If I’ve invited people to stay then 100% I expect to host (food, drink etc etc). I wouldn’t turn down a takeaway if offered if they stay a long while, but mostly I’d expect to pay.

If someone asks if they can come to stay, I feel much less obliged as there’s usually a primary reason they’re asking - visiting someone else, an event to attend nearby etc.

Most of our visitors are family and so it’s swings and roundabouts as we also stay with them too. They don’t count as ‘guests’ and have to muck in

If I am being hosted I never invite myself, I always take a gift and if it’s for more than one night I make sure the food the following day is either a meal out or a takeaway on me. I also always remember my grandma’s rule, house guests and old fish start to stink after 3 days.

The recent threads have been cf inviting themselves to friends house to whom they aren’t even that close to, to stay in desirable tourist areas and expect a fully catered all inclusive free experience and that is not acceptable.

but yes in answer to your question if I invite people, it’s for a finite length of time and I expect to provide food and drink.

We've had a number of visitors over the summer as our location has proved convenient to them in some way.

I make the bed and give them clean towels and ensure that dinner is either made for them or a restaurant reserved. Most people have brought us flowers and wine and treated us when out to either breakfast or drinks.

I do struggle a bit with longer hosting. We've had visitors from USA stay for a week multiple times and much as I love them as relatives, I think it's quite a long time to stay with one family, particularly as our house is smaller than a US one . Next time I might try to get some holiday leave lined up so we could do some travelling round UK together.

I've never had a visitor abuse our hospitality, although I do find DHs family quite strange as they tend not to thank you for making meals for them, which I find quite rude. But they are kind in other ways, so I've moved on from that.

A lot of those posts seem to be about people the host(ess) didn't quite invite. The visitors are friends of friends or friends of in-laws or exes or partner's relatives that the partner has never met. Thus the host(ess) often doesn't seem to have met or have known the guests before they arrived. In my mind, this is different from inviting people you know (and, ideally, like) to stay with you and could lead to all kinds of misunderstanding and a mismatch of expectations.

Many people know 'the rules' you know or at least a form of them but, in my experience, many also don't.

As a guest, I would expect to bring a gift and, having arrived, suss the situation in order to make myself welcome by contributing however was appropriate: buying groceries including alcohol, cooking in turn, tidying, looking after children, paying for a meal(s) out or takeaway(s) depending on length of stay and closeness of relationship.

And even with oldest, dearest friends, even family, I would wait to be offered any thing and ask before doing almost anything. Even, if making a cup of tea or similar, I would offer to make the host(ess) one too.

Oh and people tend to invite themselves, but as long as it's an ask not a demand I'm fine with that.
I must be an oddity on mumsnet as I quite like visitorsfor a maximum of 3 nights.

I’m also assuming that’s the thread she was referring to. The ‘guests’ were uninvited. The ‘hosts’ had no idea how long they were staying. And the dps wife got treated like she was shit on their shoes. They turned up empty handed, refused to even acknowledge her, she didn’t get a single thank you after providing and cooking every single meal for them for 4 days. They cleared them out of food and alcohol, didn’t even offer to wash up after they’d been waited on. Made themselves a cup of tea next to her without asking if she’d like one. And then quibbled over the bill during a meal out as her starter was a few quid more even though they were drinking alcohol and she wasn’t. That’s not fucking normal.