Middle aging

[PipeDream3r]

I wasn't sure where to post this. I'm early 40s, early menopause. I've piled on the weight in the last few years. Tried to lose weight and failed and then tried to accept myself as I am and then failed at that and now I am just feeling tired of it all and grieving my younger, stronger, slimmer self.

I think I want to know two things.

Firstly, is it possible to return to the toned size 8 I always was, or is this a complete fantasy and do I need to accept that I can never achieve this again?

Secondly, if I can even just get to a healthy size and improve my looks, how is this best achieved?

I have the best of intentions with small, achievable, incremental goals but I seem incapable of giving up the junk food (especially sugar and Diet Coke) despite knowing how terrible they are for me. I try to focus on feeling good - walking in beautiful places, weight-lifting, dancing etc. but I hate it. I feel anxious and would rather sit at home feeling safe. What a waste of a life. I just feel so fed up and ashamed of myself and wish I could find a way out.

(Please don't advise calorie-counting or slimming world or whatnot. I want to think about food less often, not more).

Also, I should have said, I have no excuses - no children, no elderly care, no health conditions, plenty of time on my hands...

I recommend the book 'Why we eat (too much)' by Andrew Jenkinson. There's a thread here for people following this way of eating (not a conventional 'diet' - no counting anything or restricting.)

Thread:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/weight_loss_chat/4590255-why-we-eat-too-much-thread-6

I lost 4 st on this way of eating in 2021 and am still sustaining it.

Thank you, but honestly I have read all of the anti-diet books. I just can't stick at it. This then adds to my shame.

(I know how annoying it is when people ask for help and then don't take it).

I don’t think you should give up the Diet Coke and junk food (in moderation) if you enjoy it. Focus more on moving more. Sounds like you’re in a bit of a rut exercise wise. I think as soon as you build it into a routine you’ll start enjoying it more and doing it regularly as standard. I assume if you used to be toned then you used to regularly exercise?

Yes, I used to be very active @ReeseWitherfork but I just lost my mojo. I often feel sleepy or anxious (I have had multiple blood tests and am on HRT). I was forcing myself to do the recommended minimum activity but I hated it. I recently ran out of motivation and quit the gym :( It's like I've just given up the fight when it comes to healthy movement.

I wonder if it's wise for me to attempt to rule out all sugar and coke, but it feels all or nothing with me. It's like I can't limit myself to 1 coke and 1 kit kat a day, say. So then I conclude that total abstinence is the only solution, but if I have nothing it really feels as though my life is completely joyless and I only last a couple of hours days like that.

(If anyone else is reading, I am aware how pathetic all of this sounds, how frustrating it must feel to read it. But that's kind of how I feel. And then I just wish I was young and happy again).

If you've read WWE(TM) and it didn't resonate, sorry to hear that. If you haven't I would suggest trying it anyway.

Re. getting back to a toned size 8 - your body does change with age and it takes a lot more effort to be toned and very slim. I would suggest, at least in the first instance, setting yourself a more achievable goal. It might be helpful to look at BMI - focus on getting your BMI into the healthy range as an initial 'target'.

On Monday I told myself - "just stop thinking about it! Just do 3 weeks of no junk and plenty of walking and see how that feels". I didn't manage three days.

I am just teetering out of the obese range @Antarcticant and have been trying to get below 13st but as I get close, I fall off the wagon. Is it psychosomatic with me? I bore myself with this!

And it does all resonate, makes complete sense to me. And yet I can't manage it!

So, initially - get yourself comfortably back into 'overweight' not 'obese' - if you're only just teetering on that line, half a stone would be an ideal first target.

There really is no easy answer. It's rubbish not being able to eat whatever you want, whenever you want - but think of it as a choice - you can choose the pleasure of eating unhealthy food, or the pleasure of looking slimmer and feeling healthier. If you choose to be slimmer, you just have to grit your teeth when that cake or chocolate or crisps come calling and say 'no'.

I find the 'rule of 30' helpful. If I crave something unhealthy I tell myself I can have it if I still want it 30 minutes later - most times, the craving has passed by then, but it feels better than telling myself 'no' outright.

I'm feeling a bit better actually, just getting things off my chest. I think I've identified a couple of issues.

I'm going to readjust my goals. I'll aim for no more than 1 bottle a day (rather than absolutely Diet Coke) and I'll aim for no more than 1 chocolate bar a day (rather than none). I'll get rid of my 12k step count goal and aim for a 4k walk at some point every day.

Secondly, I feel as though I could do with a daily email of inspiration, encouragement and accountability every day, so I'll look in to sending myself such a message, somehow.

And I'm going to set some 'mini goals' with a longer time frame than I had before.

I’m saying this kindly!
But in my opinion you only have the following options:

1. Accept your new shape and learn to love yourself - I think this is hard, and as someone who is also currently stuck in a diet - rut I have no advice on how to achieve this. I guess generally working on “loving yourself” by doing a mindfulness course, try and nourish your soul by doing activities you love… maybe even some therapy? All these things have helped me feel better in general (plus some herbal remedies to balance my moods), but I am still unhappy with my shape at the moment.


2. . Follow a diet plan - calorie counting, Weight watchers (it’s really good actually), whatever works for you. You might have to try a few before you found one that works for your needs. Ideally one with some online support, MN is ideal for this, lots of encouragement from like-minded people.


3. Address your overeating from a psychological angle - perhaps the book a PP recommended, or anything of the like. This might help if you don’t want to calorie-count. I know you have said you tried before but maybe you haven’t found the right one.

I would recommend a combination of 2&3. And try and find an exercise you enjoy - I realise it’s easier said than done, but if the gym didn’t suit you you will need to find something else - walking, swimming, karate, whatever. Just exercising without dieting will not be enough as you can’t outrun the fork, but it will definitely help.
I know all of this works, because it did work for me, and the only reason I’m unfit and heavier again is because I’n doing a masters which is unbelievable stressful and involves weeks of sitting on my arse studying and stress-eating bread…
What will not work is telling yourself you have tried everything and nothing will work - this mindset will just make you more and more miserable, the anxiety will get worse and it will be even harder to change your life.
Sorry OP. I know it sucks x

I am a great audiobooks fan - I could walk for miles if I was engrossed in a good audiobook.
There are lots of good suggestions on the What we are reading thread. And you get a limited choice free from your library.

That sounds sensible. Easing yourself into a healthy eating plan is likely to lead to longer term success than changing everything overnight.

When you lose some weight, you may find that your weight when you were younger and a size 8 isn't right for you now anyway. If mine goes too low, my face starts sagging unattractively nowadays, so I concentrate on simply keeping my BMI in the healthy zone rather than trying to get down to the 8 stone 'glory' of my 20s.

Also - I hope you don’t mind me saying but you sound so negative about yourself. You are constantly apologising and you seem to be putting yourself down a lot. It is making me a bit sad to read your posts.
Please try and be a bit kinder to yourself. Just because you are struggling to stick to a diet doesn’t make you a failure! Don’t forget that! Diets are really really hard!

It is it tough @Hanswurst

I've read too much theory discrediting approaches like Weight Watchers. And "set point weights" to be honest. Sometimes I think that has really not helped!

@SaintHelena me too. I use the free library app and listen to lots of podcasts too.

I lost 3 stone in my early 40s, then went off the rails and regained it 😂 then lost it all again aged 48.

You should have no trouble in your early 40s. It's not hormones, it's wine, crisps, bread, chocolate and pasta

Find an activity you genuinely enjoy, and perhaps enjoy socially too, so that the health benefits are a side effect rather than the goal.

This is the ONLY way I can sustain being active. I can't do it for its own sake.

Honestly I think if it’s all or nothing then your priority should indeed be working on the “in moderation” bit.

I don’t think 12k a day is massively doable either. Especially if you have an office job - I struggle to make 10k. I actually stopped counting because it was making me miserable and just make sure I go for a walk every day (easily done because I’ve got a dog). (Get a dog?)

I hate it when people say this but you do sound a bit depressed too. Lack of motivation, can’t focus on a solution. Do you think that’s likely?

Erm, I have a few stresses like loneliness and a challenging new job, so if I’m depressed there are obvious reasons for it. I think these explain my emotional motivations for eating.

I am wracking my brains for a new activity or two to try.