What could your parents have done better raising you in 50:50 care?

[summersun190]

DS is 18 months and currently lives with me most of the time (2 nights with dad). ExH obviously is keen for 50:50 care, transitioning in the next couple of years as DS gets older.

There are lots of pros and cons to 50:50 care. If you had a childhood split between your mum and dads house, what things could they have done differently to improve it?

I'm interested in hearing from 'the child's perspective' rather than the parents!

Thanks :)

I spent almost every weekend at my DF house until it became less difficult between my parents then it sort of calmed down and they used to help each other with work and childcare. Things were hostile for YEARS before they reached that stage. 5 year court battles, divorce, lies about paternity, domestic abuse on both sides, failed mediation...everything. All it did was damage me in the end (which they later discovered and stopped).

Looking back I really wish I'd had the 50:50 experience. Not all parents want their kids half the time (which is crippling to the kid on the receiving end). I've seen it with friends kids who's dad's have said "I want them more than EOW" then are nowhere to be seen 😔

I hope it works out for your DC, I hope you can co-parent like that.

My ex wanted 50/50 care but our daughter didn't and she chose to spend more time with me.
Ex only wanted 50/50 so that he did not have to pay child maintenance. Ex uses a childminder to look after our daughter when she's with him so she rarely sees him. Daughter is not very happy about this.

As someone who had 50:50 as a child My recommendations are:

1. consistent rules across both houses, my parents didn’t do this and it was so confusing and led to me getting into trouble as I couldn’t remember which house had which rule
2. full sets of everything at both houses, the child shouldn’t be packing their stuff up all the time
3. proper space at both house, no sticking the child on a sofa bed because they aren’t there all the time
4. listen to the child. 50:50 might not be the right thing their entire childhood, if as they grow up they want to change it then please listen and be willing to change the arrangement even if it isn’t in your favour

Thanks these tips are really helpful. How closely did your parents live from each other? I feel like we need to live in the same village (or next village) so there isn't a big drive between each house.

My step sister is in a state in the US where 50/50 is pretty much mandatory. She does one week with her dad one week with her mum. She finds it easier than splitting up the weeks and has a full set of everything at each house so no moving stuff around. Seems to work really well.

My parents lived 5 min walk from each other. However I was forbidden from seeing the other parent when it wasn’t their week so I didn’t feel distance made much difference.

So another tip I guess, if the child wants to pop in to the other house for a chat when it isn’t that parents week then just let it happen. If both houses are the child’s home they should be able to drop in and out as they feel.

Being flexible with how time is divided helps. The family I know who are managing 50:50 shared care arrange their week so kids are always with Mum on Monday, Tuesday, at Dad’s Wednesday, Thursday then every other weekend. They all appreciate the stability knowing that for example Mum takes them to Brownies and Dad takes them to swimming. But as they grow up they might favour fewer transitions.

My parents lived 20 minutes from each other so it helped. Close but not too close.