How would you feel?

[Victoriaplum81]

So I’ve recently made a new mum friend, our daughters go to school together. We have met up four times now but yesterday was at her house. From talking it was clear she had a lot more money than we did, her DH has a really good well paid job, when she told me where she lived I knew the area was nice and houses were expensive.

I’m from a working class background. My DH has a good, well paid job and I earn 25k a year. I know money isn’t everything and I really wish I didn’t feel this way but I couldn’t help but feel awkward at her house! It was beautiful and very big, she talked about expensive dinners and shows they go to etc but not in a bragging way, just because we talked about hobbies! They have an expensive car and go on lavish holidays. We get on well (well I think we do and we have stuff to chat about despite our differences) and so do our daughters and I want to invite her to our house sometime but know I will feel totally on edge.

My mum has brought me up to feel this way and calls us ‘the outcasts’ of the family as my dad is from a pretty rough background but her brothers went on to have very well paid jobs and lavish lifestyles so it’s clear where my issues come from!! My mum has even on occasion been jealous of me and my siblings as we earn more and have bigger houses than her!

I hope that as we and our kids get on well, this won’t be something she even thinks about but I really wish I didn’t! Does anyone else feel the same and have experience of this?!

I do understand how you feel. I grew up in a 2 up 2 down. I remember being embarrassed about where we lived, even in high school.

when we got married and had a baby our first house was also a 2 up 2 down, but it was ours. Unfortunately the women I was in the antenatal classes with all lived in detached new builds and, after a visit to two of their houses, it was clear I wasn’t going to be able to invite them to ours! Not that the opportunity arose, they all went and made separate arrangements together anyway.

I now live in a detached wreck of a house but before this I lived in a small semi. I have had more well off and less well off friends visit and I still feel people may judge my home. it’s hard to shake off the feelings that you’ve grown up feeling.

it’s odd because I have less well off friends and I don’t for a minute give it a second thought. Their homes are welcoming and they are there for a cuppa and a chat and that’s the important thing, not how big the house is or how much their sofa cost, so I know it’s ridiculous to feel like people will feel negatively about me & my home it’s just ingrained.

Your friend won’t be judging your home, honestly!

That’s your stuff, not hers. Don’t write her off because of economic differences.

I met one of my very best friends as our babies were the same age and we were at a parenting class together.
She is considerably more wealthy than me, her house is a bloody huge mansion.
But she is one of the most genuinely lovely people I have ever had the privilege to spend time with.
20 years later, we are still really great friends.
she is still wealthy, I am not but wouldn’t be without her. I’m really glad that I didn’t let the difference come between us.

I’m so glad to read these comments to know I’m not alone in my thinking and also that friendships can remain despite class differences! I was so proud of myself for plucking up the courage to get her number that I really hope our friendship can blossom!!

If she likes you then she likes you. She wont care how much you earn/where you live/what car you drive.

My mum and dad friends earn a lot less than us but I am much happier spending time with them than with others with higher wages/bigger houses etc.

If she is a genuinely decent person and it really sounds like she is, that won't bother her at all. She probably values your conversation, company and the friendship between your DDs more than any material things

I have a lovely home. I'm very fortunate. It's big, rural and in a lovely village. I also have a lovely car. Travel frequently, eat out regularly. I could be a right smunt.

However, this is only possible because my OH has an exceptionally well paid job. I work and earn comfortably but without his income I would no way be able to afford my standard of living. The financial element of lovely life I have is 80% down to someone else's earning potential

Do I judge others? Nope (unless they're house is filthy as that's just not my bag). Do I appreciate the financial strain a family goes through and the challenges and choices that have to be made. Absolutely, been there and done that.

The only person judging here is you. Your new friend sounds lovely. Don't let your hang ups or preconceived ideas spoil that

My best friend is very well off, her parents were rich, but she's also worked her arse off and made some very sensible financial investments.

When we were in our 20s it was sometimes difficult, as she'd want to do things I simply couldn't afford, even though I was earning good money. Now we both have older dc and in our 50s the difference in financial status doesn't matter as much. But I do tend to stay at her house and visit her, rather then the other way round m, as I have no spare room, she's got 4 spare rooms . Sometimes she'll say something about buying an item, or make a comment that has my mouth open, but we know each other well enough that I take the piss out of her now.

Sounds like your parents have a lot to do with how uncomfortable you feel, don't let it worry you, enjoy the friendship, she won't give a shit how much money you have, if she does she's not a good friend