I hate who I am- how do I change and make amends?

[Ihatemypersonality]

I am 100% certain I am a horrible, bad person and I really don’t like who I am. I have destroyed so many of my friendships and family relationships over the years. I am argumentative, mean, rude, over dramatic and too forthright. I have come to realise that all of the fall outs, arguments, being pushed out of friendship groups is my fault, I’m the common denominator. It’s because I’m a horrible, bad person. My personality is basically garbage.

I’ve had years and years of counselling, where my therapist tried his best to help me and convince me I’m not a bad person. He also tried to convince me that I didn’t deserve to be treated how I was as a kid, but now I feel like I’ve wasted his time, because it’s me. I AM that person, I deserved what I got as a kid because otherwise why would it happen? No one is kind to a horrible kid are they? No one wants to be friends or family with a horrible person.

I need to change.

I don’t even know where to begin with this, but if anyone else has ever managed to change their personality for the better, how did you do it?

To say there’s a lot to unpick here is a bit of an understatement, OP. I can’t claim to be any kind of expert, but if we’re thinking possible diagnosis, it seems to me that BPD/EUPD is closer to what you’re experiencing than autism. BPD used to have a lot of stigma around it but it’s gradually becoming better understood. Look it up and see if it rings any bells.

you are not your childhood OP! you've had a knock this week. Keep doing the work on yourself as pps have suggested and don't let past negativity define you. Every day's a new one. It will eventually work, this is just a minor setback 💐

Thanks. I guess it just gets in your head doesn’t it. I’ve thought these things about myself for nearly all my life. I don’t think I’ve got bipolar disorder? Or is it borderline disorder? I’m not sure what BPD means. I guess I am unstable and get very distressed. My partner says I have a problem with walking away from things and she is right, if someone upsets me I tend to blow up and struggle to walk away from an argument. I don’t seek the arguments out though and my partner says she doesn’t think I do it on purpose.

does anyone know if any books or websites that might be good to learn how to deal with arguments and things in. Better way?

If you have the time and the dedication you could do a lot worse that to do this course;

www.udemy.com/course/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-online-course-cbt-practitioner-course/

Ignore the 'practitioner' bit in the title - it's much more about understanding how and why we are the way we are, and how we can change the parts of ourselves we're not happy with through education and knowledge.

I think it sounds like you have had a tough upbringing and internalised all the blame your family have put on you which is why you think you're a bad person. I find therapeutic inner child work can be helpful in addressing this, healing from trauma, abuse or neglect and allowing self acceptance.

In terms of relationships and how you behave within them I believe learning about your attachment style can be really eye opening too, it has been for me. They go someway to explaining why you relate to others in the way you do now due to your early expreriences of attachment with parents/care givers. Lots of free attachment style quizzes and related info online.

Good luck in your journey op. You don't sound like a bad person to me, but you do sound like one who has been treated badly.