How to help an anxious child

[sleepfortheweek]

DD is 7 (soon to be 8) and has just started her new term at school.

She's been sick twice now before bed and also runs backwards and forwards to the bathroom for a poo because she's nervous about school. (She doesn't have a bug as she seems fine during the day, and she has no allergies or intolerances that we know of)

She's always enjoyed school although we noticed this happening towards the end of last term. So much so in fact that we took her to the doctor because every single night she would complain of a sore stomach. He examined her and asked her questions and thought it might be a bit of nerves/anxiety.

She's been fine over the summer holidays. She's also had a couple of meltdowns the last two days which tends to happen if she's overwhelmed.

She's been split from her best friend this year, although still has several good friends in her class.

We've obviously tried to talk to her about it but she just keeps saying she's a bit nervous. Then worries she'll get a sore tummy (which she does!).

She's now saying she doesn't want to go to school tomorrow 😭 and it's taking her so long to fall asleep because she just can't settle.

She gets a story and song at bedtime, and an audio book to fall asleep to. We are also trying to encourage her to read a book herself to try and take her mind off things. No electronics (iPad, switch etc) allowed 2 hours before bed.

Where do I go from here? I really want to help her as I hate to see her distressed and I don't want it to manifest itself into something bigger. We've got a few worry books etc and we try to encourage her to talk about how she's feeling but the bedtime sore tummy still seems to happen and now it seems it's causing her to be physically sick.

Any advice greatly received, thank you so much for reading.

Hi, are you sure there's nothing going on in school? Something is making her anxious.
My son was feeling this way and cried that he didn't want to go to school when he was 7. He then revealed that he was finding the sats prep too rigorous and writing in the 'golden book' tough. He was struggling with creative writing at the time. I spoke to the teacher who had a chat with him and he was ok afterwards.
Hope you find an answer soon, good luck.

Yes to poking a bit more at what is going on at school.

also try teaching some anxiety management techniques. CBT based books such as the anxiety gremlin or don’t worry, be happy, can provide some tools and language for acknowledging and managing the anxiety.

I can't say for sure, she's just saying it's because she's split from her best friend and the classroom is different etc. however, as I mentioned this happened last term when there wasn't anything new.

She's very bright and doesn't seem to struggle academically, but she does tend to bottle things up and shows a 'brave face' even if she's struggling. For example, she refuses to cry in public, and brushes things off with 'I don't care' when I can tell she does.(this bottling up of feelings is usually what leads to her emotional meltdowns which is always at home).

It's only been a couple days so I think I'll just try and reassure her over the course of the week and if things don't improve I'll speak to the teacher next week.

I hate the fact she lies in bed and worries, to the point of feeling ill 😢

Thank you @Cantchooseaname , I'll have a look at those books.

Bump

Like other posters, I wonder about school. I started to dread Sunday nights/Monday mornings because I was being badly bullied.

Are you naming her feelings? Telling her that her stomach aches are due to anxiety, and that is normal in new situations etc? I think that might help.

Also some relaxation techniques like breathing and the 54321 technique.

Why is she bottling up her feelings and trying to be brave? That is NOT a good. It's not healthy. Encourage her to talk about all of this. Name her feelings. It's ok to feel this way, it's normal. Talk about it.

Yes we talk about her feelings a lot, she says she's nervous. We've obviously said it's ok to be worried or nervous in new situations etc.

She was sick again last night with worry, and this morning was in tears because of her stomach and her nerves.

She's just a child who worries. I don't know why, I guess some adults worry more than others so maybe partly her personality.

I know it's not good for her to bottle up her feeling, we've told her it's ok to cry (she does at home, just not in public). That's why I'm asking for advice as I know that this could en the start of a bigger problem and I really want to help her

Can you somehow reassure her that her feelings are absolutely normal? And maybe set some little goals & achievements to help her realise she can do things? I know it's hugely difficult - I was that anxious, shy child, who didn't know how to deal with bullies (and endured about 7 years of bullying ...). But as you say, you really don't want to pathologise normal anxiety.

Does she have activities and hobbies out of school? That's were I retrieved the shreds of my self-esteem when school was awful. I did a lot of activities with like-minded people, and the bonus was I even became halfway competent at dancing, acting and horse-riding!

A deeper investigation about what changed last term might be really important. It seems such a sudden switch.

Good luck! Growing up is tough.

Yes absolutely, we have said it's ok to feel worried about new things.

On the face of it she's an outgoing and confident child. She has a good friend group and although anxious if new things it doesn't seem to stop her giving it a go.

She does a martial art which she's really good at, and she is in a swim club too. Loads of play dates with friends outwith school too. She's also a member of the local scout club. We do things as a family often too.

She's very good at making her feelings but they are obviously manifesting themselves in other ways.

I was in tears this morning after dropping her off at school as I can't bear the thought of her feeling like this and not being able to help

Stupid question alert:
Are you sure she isn't just doing too much and is getting too tired to cope with it all?

• martial arts


• swim club (more than once a week?)


• cub scouts


• 'loads' of playdates


• family activities

I worked through this with DD1 when she was 4 or 5 (but it's aimed at 5-10 year olds). It was quite fun, gets them to draw what they are worried about, have a time to discuss worries with you, is very interactive and something you can do together.

www.abebooks.co.uk/What-When-Worry-Kids-Guide-Overcoming/31132255145/bd?cm_mmc=ggl--UK_Shopp_Tradestandard--product_id=UK9781591473145USED-_-keyword=&gclid=CjwKCAjwo_KXBhAaEiwA2RZ8hL2GaY2CXyOExhF78ipIxWmxPGVVny7Zrp6M8yuBMXwjfbdEnKeMURoCyjwQAvD_BwE

Yes we talk about her feelings a lot, she says she's nervous.

What about? Has she told you what, exactly, it is that's making her nervous?

Since you say she is bright, could it possibly be that she is putting herself under too much pressure to get everything right at school, and is afraid to ask for help and/or scared of being told off if she gets something wrong because she was worried about asking for help. You need to speak to her teacher and find out.

It could also possibly be that as she is on the bright side, the teacher is always picking her to answer questions out loud in front of the class. My teachers always used to do that to me and I dreaded it every single day. I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me.

If you are more of an introvert than an extrovert, there are few things worse than being the centre of attention like that. Teachers are often extroverts themselves and are sometimes utterly incapable of handling this sensitively, and will pick on kids more and more in the hope of increasing their confidence, but it tends to have the opposite effect.

Marking place

Can we not just agree the school environment isn't for everyone and that's ok.
The problem is usually nothing to do with the child.
If you look into the actual success rate for school anxiety that's enough to tell you the problem is with the school, not the child.
Others like to shout from the rooftops how much their child loves school so therefore they're must be something wrong with yours, well good for them but if we can accept a working dog will end up going insane being locked indoors all day, yet most greyhounds love lolling on the sofa, why can we not make similar distinction with our children?
It's utter madness expecting school to work for everyone and this is the driving force behind the worldwide epidemic of school anxiety. Yes, it suits the government and easier for parents to just stick them between four walls for hours on end every day but look what's negative impact it's having on our young people. We need other options.