Hi again!
I just want to thank everybody on kind comments on my previous thread. I say it here so people won't think that previous thread is closed and that I don't watch replies there. I still do. Anyway, thing I would like to discuss today is rather similar but different enough to be completly another thread in another topic. Let's just say that it has the same root in my opinion. That root is psycological construction of my personality. Fearful and terrified of just about any challenge in life. Especially of other people. Other people opinion on me are affecting me a big deal. Starting from opinion of my mother and so on. I just can't explain my struggles to create relationships with other people. Even a simple conversation. I'm just always thinking what other side is thinking about me. That goes as far as thinking about every word I said in conversation with someone after a while at home. And about words other people said to me too.
I shouldn't have say that. Oh, God, I'm so ashamed. They gotta be thinking that I'm crazy. I shouldn't have open my mouth.
Oh no, I again introduced myself to colleague I already first met yesterday. What a shame!
^^Yeah, mental struggles like that.
Or it may goes like this:
I was just passing by and I've heard that they are talking about me. He just called me an idiot. Why people hate me that much?
^^I sometimes wonder that I would be completely unable to success in showbusiness for example. There you have to deal with mean comments every day. I think that everybody who say that isn't affected by other people's opinion is, not lying, but suppresses that awful feeling. Which can be a good thing. People usually forget means remarks from people unimportant to them quicker than proccessing the same remark in the first place. That goes for YouTube influencers too. Even more than for like movie stars or singers. Because you are convicted by nature of your job to look at comment section to see your followers feedback on your content and where you will certainly find some mean comments as well. For people in sports too. Do you remmember when tennis player Naomi Osaka declined to go to a press conference amid mental struggles? I was sick of social media comments about that. Majority of them was be like:
She is just pretending to avoid it. She is thinking that she's got right to be privileged over others. She should be banned for fake tears.
^^And so on. I got to admit that this hurt me deeply, despite it didn't happened to me but to her. I perfectly understand her when she said that press questions are causing mental issues to her. These questions can be extremely mean. And you just can't pass them by like in YouTube comment section. You have to answer every single one. That's a public mental shooting range in my opinion. And that can hurt weak people. My self included. I guess that I would cry on conferences like that. If I were YouTuber, I guess that I would simply quit. I couldn't stand the mental pressure. So I have great deal of respect for her. I would let you one more example of me not beeing able to deal with mean remarks. I posted about something whole different than mental health on completely different forum and had myself criticized by some other people because of my opinion on an event. Even before the first comment, I checked everything I wrote for grammar mistakes (I will deffinetly check this post too) which would made me look stupid and changed everything incorrect. And after seeing these comments I just cried. A promising student and male in his 20s crying because of completely stranger's remarks. You know, when I think about women of my dreams (because of course I haven't ever had a girlfriend, not even friends) I imagine her, apart from beeing beautiful, intelligent, kind, nice, tender, having likeable voice, decent..., also as my sort-off guide through our common life. As side that would correct me and always be there for me to comfort me. Which would be mentally stronger than me and in whom I would look at like a protector that does not allow other people to humiliate me (the last goes with reciprocity from my side of course). In short, beeing more reasonable than me. I feel myself, apart from beeing shy, as a fearful, weak and vulnerable person. Characteristics of that still unknown-to-me women I'm thinking about every day looks like girls wishlist for ideal man. Women tend to look at males as protectors and guides. I'm wondering if I would be ever able to find such a girl or to get stronger mentally. First is more reasonable to me, despite looking fairly impossible. I'm looking forward for some kind advices. Thank you in advance.