Teachers - what does the perfect home life look like to you?

[Sistanotcista]

Just that really - as a teacher, you can probably tell when a student's home life is supportive or chaotic. If you could choose the perfect home life for your students, what would it be? I don't mean financially - obviously we'd all like more money! But what do you consistently see in students that go on to do well? By "do well" I don't necessarily mean academically - I mean students who grow up to lead productive lives, and who are good people.

Any tips greatly appreciated!

Honestly, I am sure it is well meaning, but these threads do become quite unbearable quite quickly.

Children can and do come from a range of backgrounds, not just economic but also with regards to what a family looks like, their interests and their hobbies. Yes, probably the ideal is a family with no television and shelves full of books who go hill walking and occasionally to the theatre but if everyone is miserable doing that, then it isn’t a happy home.

Personally I think that stability - emotional rather than necessarily literal - is key.

I dont think there's anything in particular Id like to see. Families are all so different.
I think its important children's needs are met, and that their voice is heard/listened to. But nothing wrong with a tv, bit of mess etc.

I think hearing books from a young age is so good for a child - but the library is perfectly fine so doesn't need to be tons of books. But there's also parents who don't read and rely on the children's school books and that's okay too.

Supporting your child and showing an interest in the little things.

But no one size fits all! Which is great as every family is different and does life differently!

I do think there's a balance - as a teacher, I like parents to keep me in the loop and be there when there's something to say, but I don't want them contacting me just for the sake of it. I like it when parents have talked to their children about social issues such as homelessness, abortion or coercion and have given them an awareness of basic politics - what's left and right, what a union is, what's meant by state welfare and intervention.

I also like it when kids know about the slavery, civil rights movement, women's suffrage and feminism, Windrush etc even if it's just because they've watched films together.

I'd like to see recognition amongst teachers that the vast vast vast majority of kids will go on to live happy successful productive lives, having come from fairly normal unremarkable families.

There's no big secret. 90% manage it pretty well without any sort of navel gazing whatsoever.

Parents who teach children there are consequences to their actions, read to them, teach them manners.

Anything else we can work with but rude, lazy children are the worst.

I'm well into my third decade of teaching. There is no ideal.

Money is unimportant really.
A present primary carer is the most important thing.
Parents/carers who read to and with their child.
Parents/carers who play boards games and teach turn taking.
Parents/carers who talk to their children and teach them how to be resilient and try to fix their own problems.

This is a really hard and complex question to be honest! The only thing I can think of right now is having supportive parents without putting too much pressure on the child to succeed. I've seen both extremes, from parents who don't ever come to parents evening and show no interest to those who are really strict with homework and make the child feel a failure if they don't get 100% on a test. Give them guidance and show an interest but without being too controlling.

Thanks to all those who contributed. We have recently become guardians to a young lass from a different country and a different culture. She is very different to my DD. I know what worked with mine, but was hoping to get general advice for how to manage and support this young girl as best we can, so that her outcomes are the best possible. I do appreciate that one size doesn't fit all, and I'm grateful to those who shared their thoughts so far :)

The kids who grow and mature throughout school are the ones whose parents don't make endless excuses for them. Yes, occasionally a child might get given a detention they don't deserve, but I can promise you that for every one time they get into trouble when it wasn't their fault, there will be many MANY more times they haven't been caught for something that WAS their fault!

Parents who come storming into school to challenge teachers are not doing their kids any favours.

1. Bedtime stories
2. Bedtime stories
3. Bedtime stories

Assuming all basic needs are met, bedtime stories are the best way to support your child academically and emotionally.

Clarification: my comments were secondary school specific.

@sistanotcista for the young person you have guardianship of you might find counselling for her useful as she probably has some tricky emotions to whatever lead to her needing to be with you.

Does she speak English? If not that might change things going to school and learning a new language is extremely tiring for students.

If appropriate finding a sport they are good at also works wonders particularly if they struggle academically. DD used to dance and do drama but found it wasn't really for her after a few years. Then we moved onto competitive swimming which she enjoyed but found quite isolating so after covid we moved onto Girls rugby which she loves.

If she has suffered any trauma then spending time with animals, volunteering with her to walk dogs at a shelter or horse riding if funding stretches might work wonders.

A stable and supportive family, with primary carers interested in the child's education and willing to help where needed. If there are issues effecting the child they're recognised and addressed. No one can provide a perfect life for a child but they can try

Realistic expectations (positive but realistic)

Limits on screen time

Discipline comes from the home. Good manners.

From my point of view, parents who are interested and engaged in their children’s lives but who aren’t taking over for them - it’s important to recognise that your children may be on a different path to you, with different interests, and that’s OK.

The hardest thing to deal with are the entitled parents who have created entitled children - nothing is the child’s fault, everything is our fault, all problems can be made to go away if you get angry enough and shout loudly enough and blame someone else enough. The parents who never ask their children to examine their own behaviour/attitude/work ethic.

It sounds like the child in your care is likely to have very specific needs. Is there any kind of welfare agency supporting the move? They may be able to provide more precise guidance. If not, your child’s school may be able to access suitable support. Depending on the circumstances, school may be able to access additional funding to provide support in school.

If the move is for traumatic reasons, your child will definitely need support for that as an urgent priority.

if your child speaks a different language, supporting her to understand, speak, read and write in English will be key . There may be a local group which supports children from other cultures to integrate in the UK while maintaining language and cultural traditions from her home country.

A home where children are read to, where families eat together regularly, where children are encouraged to engage in conversations and their opinions and questions are valued.

I think the children that get on best are those that have been spoken to, read to and engaged with.

The speaking doesn’t need to be discussions about thermodynamics with your 6 month old, it just just general chat about the world they can see around them. Reading doesn’t need to be War and Peace, but good quality children’s books, and from a library or jumble sale is more fine. I watched a dad having a lovely chat with his wee girl on the bus about why she’d rather be a unicorn than a dog, very sweet and clearly a child who is engaged with.

If parents can teach basic manners, that’s a massive help. Being able to accept no is useful.

The parents I find the best as a teacher are the ones who don’t automatically back the child if there’s an issue at school. To illustrate, I rang the parents of two girls who had been talking during a test. Parent A said “I’m so sorry Susan did that, I will speak to her when she gets home. She should know better. Please do let us know if there are any other issues.” Parent B “Oh Anne wouldn’t do that, there just have been some mistake. And talking isn’t that bad. She won’t be attending detention for talking, it’s her human right.

Guess which child came to apologise the next day, and from then on demonstrated suitable behaviour? Guess which continued to escalate her behaviour?

Teacher of young children for a long time
I like when children are allowed o explore things for themselves, to run outside , climb..within reason..and generally allowed to be children. I find giving them freedom and not over minding them gives them confidence to try new things and encourages them to be open to new opportunities. Also physical activity helps with all learning.
Also just listen! I find it stressful if l am on a beach or a park if l hear a child say Mum..and start a story ten times with no response. I practically have to gag myself to stop myself shouting.." just listen to him".

A huge thank you to all of you for your thoughtful, considered comments and sharing your experiences - it is much appreciated.

To answer a few questions - yes, she speaks English well, although it's not her first language. Thank you for the trauma advice - I will look into some support for her. She is here because her parents are going through a vicious and contentious divorce in her home country. She is here completely legally, by her own choice. But I appreciate that won't obviate the inevitable homesickness and feelings of insecurity.

Thank you all again - Mumsnetters doing what they do best 😘

How old is she?

A home where they work WITH the school is vital (I'm not a teacher but a related field)
Reading and books, reading together
Cooking and cooking together and eating together
chores together -eg gardening
Day trips out
Discussion that are open and the children are listened to and valued
Clear boundaries
Nature eg family walks or gardening or bird watching or learning about the environment
Encouraging everything from physical well being eg trying paddle boarding, to tennis to basketball hoop etc
Real interest in the child -not what the parent wants but what the child wants
Positive comments but not sickly so eg ratio 7 to 1 positive to suggestion an improvement etc
Love and secure boundaries

A present primary carer is the most important thing.

This just shows teachers disagree as much as any other people in society. I teach primary and have two children. I work 0.8 as does their father and their grandparents are heavily involved in their care. I think their lives are all the richer for it. They truly don't have a 'primary carer' - my husband and I parent equally. If anything, I often think children who attend after school care as easier going, more resilient and more organised than children with a stay at home mum.

@ABrotherWhoLooksLikeHellMugYou - she is 14