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Original poster

How to phrase this

27 replies

stayinghometoday · 16/08/2022 05:28

The last two parties my friend came with her husband and family (last time uninvited). I don't like her husband or son at all but I thought it was just me. Yesterday I went to see a different friend and her partner who then complained about the behaviour of that husband and child. These were the 7th and 8th people that have out if the blue complained to me about the behaviour of my friends husband and child.

They're very clingy and intrusive, butt in others conversations and take over, act as if they're very popular but are actually annoying. Are arrogant. Talk a lot about themselves but in some way always put you down, publicly if they can "as a joke". The child barks up peoples legs and follows them around and doesn't let them leave. I told the child to stop pestering my pet last time (who was ready to attack) and the child looked so surprised that he heard a "no". And the most annoying part: they don't let you get away if you try to and massively overstay their welcome.

My friend thinks they're the best people ever and I really like my friend but I can't invite her family over for the next party if 1/3rd of my other guests feel so bothered by them. How on earth do I phrase this?

OP posts:
Original poster
stayinghometoday · 16/08/2022 05:30

Oh and I grew up with my friend, I can't keep my parties a secret, she'll hear or just drop by (and doesn't understands the hints I give her to not come unannounced and then stay over the rest of the day). She is very dear to me.

OP posts:
GordonBennetttt · 16/08/2022 05:38

Talk a lot about themselves but in some way always put you down, publicly if they can "as a joke". The child barks up peoples legs and follows them around and doesn't let them leave

I might have misread but, the child does both of those things? Confused
How old is he?

Also

My friend thinks they're the best people ever

Does she not see how annoying they are?
**
**
**

autienotnaughty · 16/08/2022 05:39

Why would she turn up uninvited to a party? That's really rude.
Options are tell her and risk losing the friendship, put up with it or you could try saying "just want to give you a heads up im busy Friday night, I've got xy and z coming round," if she suggests they come too, just say "sorry can we meet up on x night?" If she turns up see her at door and apologise but say it's not a good time.
Try to get into a routine of meeting up just you and her.
Odds on if she's the sort of person who will turn up to a party uninvited she probably knows really they are not that popular.

Original poster
stayinghometoday · 16/08/2022 06:30

GordonBennetttt · 16/08/2022 05:38

Talk a lot about themselves but in some way always put you down, publicly if they can "as a joke". The child barks up peoples legs and follows them around and doesn't let them leave

I might have misread but, the child does both of those things? Confused
How old is he?

Also

My friend thinks they're the best people ever

Does she not see how annoying they are?
**
**
**

People complain about behaviour of both husband and child. The child doesn't do all of this but his behaviour feels similarly annoying.

OP posts:
Original poster
stayinghometoday · 16/08/2022 06:30

"Does she not see how annoying they are? "

I don't think so. I don't know how to ask her 😳

OP posts:
Original poster
stayinghometoday · 16/08/2022 06:31

The child is 10 or 11.

OP posts:
Original poster
stayinghometoday · 16/08/2022 06:40

autienotnaughty · 16/08/2022 05:39

Why would she turn up uninvited to a party? That's really rude.
Options are tell her and risk losing the friendship, put up with it or you could try saying "just want to give you a heads up im busy Friday night, I've got xy and z coming round," if she suggests they come too, just say "sorry can we meet up on x night?" If she turns up see her at door and apologise but say it's not a good time.
Try to get into a routine of meeting up just you and her.
Odds on if she's the sort of person who will turn up to a party uninvited she probably knows really they are not that popular.

It is really rude. They have a lot of children (the others behave normally) and I literally don't suddenly have enough food and cake if they decide to turn up unannounced. So the invited guests will go without cake so the kids can get some. She says that they don't have to have cake because they came suddenly but come on, no adult is going to eat cake if there isn't enough for the children present.

I'd like to stress that my friend is really nice, but she lives with blinkers on.

OP posts:
Original poster
stayinghometoday · 16/08/2022 06:44

I do sometimes wonder if my friend was groomed and that's why she doesn't see what is happening. He was in his 30's and she was a naieve young-for-her-age teenager when he pursued her. She still sees him as wonderful and I'm looking at this beautiful, well educated, chatty woman and wonder what she is doing with this ugly, uneducated, very misogynistic husband. I think that she really sees him differently than the rest of us.

OP posts:
Bindayagain · 16/08/2022 06:50

I'm impressed at anyone having such regular parties!

Original poster
stayinghometoday · 16/08/2022 06:58

Bindayagain · 16/08/2022 06:50

I'm impressed at anyone having such regular parties!

I don't? The last party was my birthday and the one before that was pre-covid. Due to staying in a different country I hadn't seen this friend since pre-covid.

OP posts:
Hillrunning · 16/08/2022 07:06

You could eliminate one annoyance by telling her children aren't invited to the next party.

There is no perfect way to phrase telling someone you don't want thier spouse around. The closest you will get is saying something about wanting jsut her to attend as you feel it's been ages since you have had a proper catch up. But that may not work.

You could just risk it all and say that her partner creates a certain dynamic st parties and it's becoming a bit stressful for you. Don't stray into anything else you dislike about him.

icelollycraving · 16/08/2022 07:17

I think you can certainly say I’m having a party on Saturday, but we aren’t inviting kids. That removes one annoyance.
That will work unless you are inviting children, actually maybe that will work too. When the child is annoying, just tell them off in a not too mean way, they then won’t fancy returning.

Original poster
stayinghometoday · 16/08/2022 07:24

icelollycraving · 16/08/2022 07:17

I think you can certainly say I’m having a party on Saturday, but we aren’t inviting kids. That removes one annoyance.
That will work unless you are inviting children, actually maybe that will work too. When the child is annoying, just tell them off in a not too mean way, they then won’t fancy returning.

I always invite my siblings kids, and I also have a child so that would be a bit odd

OP posts:
Original poster
stayinghometoday · 16/08/2022 07:29

My husband thinks that the friendship might be over if I say something. Maybe I should just go away for future parties and if she asks, claim that it's just me and family. I'm just a bit dissapointed that I can't have a nice party at home I guess.

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 16/08/2022 07:45

Find out her holiday dates and have your parties then?!

SummerLovin123 · 16/08/2022 07:50

icelollycraving · 16/08/2022 07:45

Find out her holiday dates and have your parties then?!

This.

PuttingOnMyBestBra · 16/08/2022 07:53

Your only other option is to address the husband and child directly then
Tell them everytime to stop
Do it jokingly to the husband if you like
'ooh you've interrupted again' then just go 'ah' with a look every bloody time
See how he likes the 'joke`
Why hasn't anyone said anything, there must be one person in the group who's a bit go by?

PuttingOnMyBestBra · 16/08/2022 07:54

*gobby

MrsElm · 16/08/2022 08:02

The child barks up peoples legs

What does this even mean? Is this a typo?

In any case it seems inconceivable that your friend is unaware of this behaviour.

Original poster
stayinghometoday · 16/08/2022 12:28

MrsElm · 16/08/2022 08:02

The child barks up peoples legs

What does this even mean? Is this a typo?

In any case it seems inconceivable that your friend is unaware of this behaviour.

No, he crouches next to peoples legs and barks. Literally. My friend thinks its cute that he still plays like that at this age (he is 10 or 11, forgot when his birthday is)

OP posts:
Original poster
stayinghometoday · 16/08/2022 12:30

PuttingOnMyBestBra · 16/08/2022 07:53

Your only other option is to address the husband and child directly then
Tell them everytime to stop
Do it jokingly to the husband if you like
'ooh you've interrupted again' then just go 'ah' with a look every bloody time
See how he likes the 'joke`
Why hasn't anyone said anything, there must be one person in the group who's a bit go by?

I don't think that people dare. They're also not sure if he's just rude or what? My MIL asked me if he had some kind of psychiatric syndrom.... I'm usually the gobby one of the family but I'm scared for my friendship.

OP posts:
Original poster
stayinghometoday · 16/08/2022 12:31

icelollycraving · 16/08/2022 07:45

Find out her holiday dates and have your parties then?!

This might work. It's mostly my birthday but it's not weird to have it a few weeks before or after, is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
stayinghometoday · 16/08/2022 12:39

I think that for me it's also diificult because I sometimes think that my friend has been groomed by him as a teenager and isolated. They don't have friends. She only ever sees family members and me. He's always making digs at me and stood up at the big pre covid party to say that I was a bad hostess because I didn't introduce him to everyone (the only person I introduced to another was a family member if mine asked to be introduced to my MIL. Friends DH already knew half the people present and there were dozens there). I sometimes wonder if he wants to isolate her from me as well. He also made sexual remarks a few times. I cannot stress how weird he is.

OP posts:
Original poster
stayinghometoday · 16/08/2022 12:41

But thank you all for the advice given. In the end I just need to find a way to have a party where my friends and family and me feel comfortable, it doesn't have to be the week of my birthday.

OP posts:
eggsandbaconeveryday · 16/08/2022 12:43

stayinghometoday · 16/08/2022 12:39

I think that for me it's also diificult because I sometimes think that my friend has been groomed by him as a teenager and isolated. They don't have friends. She only ever sees family members and me. He's always making digs at me and stood up at the big pre covid party to say that I was a bad hostess because I didn't introduce him to everyone (the only person I introduced to another was a family member if mine asked to be introduced to my MIL. Friends DH already knew half the people present and there were dozens there). I sometimes wonder if he wants to isolate her from me as well. He also made sexual remarks a few times. I cannot stress how weird he is.

Next time he is rude I would loudly say to him " did you mean to be so rude?" and every time they butt into a conversation I would turn to them and say " please wait " As for the barking child , take them to one side and tell them to stop it, I would then tell the mother that their child is making your guests feel uncomfortable so you have asked them to stop.

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