How to cope with the loss of your parents

[user1480436542]

I been thinking about my parents dying a lot recently and how will I be able to cope with? I don’t think I will be able to. I recently moved away from home about two hours away. I know no one here and just feel very down.

You will cope because you will have to! I hate to say it but mostly our parents will die before us (that's how it should be). I lost my dad v suddenly (he dropped down dead from a heart attack- seemingly fit and healthy). i lived and still do live abroad. Was the worst ever phone call and Eurostar trip. But I had to cope along with my sister to help my mum through it. All very very sad BUT one good thing to come out of it, we are all so much closer as a result. No one wants their parents to die but it will happen one day. Don't worry about it . Just appreciate every moment you have together. Life is precious and embrace it. It sounds like I am preaching but just enjoy them whilst you have them!

Following as I've been thinking about this a lot; my mum is in a nursing home with dementia and I'm bloody terrified . I lost my lovely granny last month too who was like a second parent to me . I have my dad but he's abroad .

I'm about three hours drive away from mum too ...

Someone said to me you cope because you have to . I thought I'd never cope at 31 packing up my mum's stuff but you do it because you have to; no other option . There are days when I could scream and punch the floor or worse, lie in bed staring at the ceiling in despair, but mostly you keep going because you really can't not, or you can but quickly realise its just not feasible (says me who's spent much of the last three months living off takeaways, ready meals and avoiding doing the laundry!)

You do find people want to help too . I'm absolutely surrounded by people who want to help . and you learn very quickly who actually means it!

The same person also said to me, don't spend the time that your parents are here waiting for them to die, or you'll miss the small things and happy times by worrying all the time !

A lot depends on the circumstances of their deaths, my mum died almost 13 years ago in her 60s, 10 years after being diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s. I’ve never come to terms with that.
I lost my dad 2 years ago, in his 80s. I miss him desperately, but I can reconcile his death knowing he had a long life, well lived, and he was ready to go. I’m at peace with his death.

It really depends on circumstances. It's never easy but there are circumstances where it is less brutal than others. It's always a distressing prospect. That doesn't mean it's not survivable.

You just have to focus on appreciating them while they are here. Worrying about it won't stop it happening.

Your relationship with someone doesn't end because they die - they are still part of your life, they still shape who you are, you can still revisit shared experiences in your memories, you can still turn to advice they gave you or consider what they would say to you about things that are happening/you're struggling with. It's different but they stay part of your life. I think it's important to remember that.

Because you just have to.

I lost my mum to suicide when I was 21 and my dad to a long illness when I was 28.

Anniversaries, birthdays, significant events like my wedding, pregnancy, birth of DD are hard but less so as the years go by. I share memories and photos with DD as she'll never meet them but I want her to know something about them.

Yes it's awful to not have them here but there is still so much to live for and look forward to and the loss of my parents doesn't swamp that.