TW - groomed as a child, developing worrying thoughts

[FeelingGuilty151]

I was sexually abused by a white woman in school at the age of 6. I was groomed by a grooming gang in my teenage years and manipulated by an Asian man who was older than me and he told me that I was just like him and that I’m an abuser too, I’m Asian, I was forced to hurt some of the victims even though I tried so hard to fight back. I have been in mentally abusive relationships with my white exes. I’m 20 and Now I’m having the worst thoughts, I’m worrying I’m turning into an abuser just like him. I keep having horrible mental type thoughts that I’m hurting someone even though the thought of it makes me feel physically sick. I feel like I have become so brainwashed and I feel like I can’t do this anymore

i feel like my relationships/friendships with women are totally messed up. Whenever I am physically affectionate with women I know especially my white friends or a white girl I have feelings for, I always feel like I’m grooming her I always feel like such a wrongun. I bought expensive gifts for my ex cos I thought that was the normal thing to do and I bought her takeaways and I felt she implied that I was grooming her so I don’t do it for free anymore cos I couldn’t handle the thought of being perceived like that. I can’t take it I am struggling so bad
im a student nurse too so I feel even more guilty

I’m a woman. Even hugging female friends I feel like such a freak, I feel like my bonds are ruined forever

I'm so sorry this happened to you . You really need some therapy to unravel what happened to you. It sounds as if you are having intrusive thoughts which are very common with trauma/PTSD. There are a lot of support organisations and MIND have specific support for members of the BAME community. Perhaps also see your GP. I send love and strength to get through. Good luck.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Always remember they were in the wrong, you were not. Grooming a child and then getting that child to “ recruit” others or treat them in a certain way to make them feel afraid or sometimes even grateful ( hence the giving of gifts) is a well used tactic of abusers.
Please talk to someone about this. You can speak to your GP, call the NSPCC or Childline —- it doesn’t matter that you’re an adult now, you were badly abused as a child.
Talking will help, and you’ll be able to move forward in your life happier and more confident. 💐