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Original poster

So worried this came across as manipulative

25 replies

brrrrrsg · 13/08/2022 11:50

Me and ex haven’t spoken in recent weeks despite me attempting to talk (a lot) as our baby is due next Friday 😍I am ok generally but he’s aware I’ve tried to talk.

I was shopping on Wednesday and remembered it was ex’s mums birthday soon. She died over 25 years ago and I’d never met her. I decided to buy a couple of baby things that linked to her and what ex had told me about her and when I got in the car I just burst into tears and started to talk to the baby about her. Yes I know it sounds crazy, I just wanted to feel they knew their dads side.

anyway I sent him a message telling him. I did open it to say I had been back and forth as to whether to send it as I didn’t want him to interpret it as deliberately emotive etc and said I was drowning in hormones and sentimentality and that I had been thinking of his mums birthday and told him I had bought these things and talked to the baby about her in the car. I said it was a lovely moment that I wanted to share and was totally separate to anything going on between us

ever since I’ve sent it I’ve been so worried it sounds manipulative. I never once thought he would reply or we would discuss it I just wanted him to know I had involved her in the baby things as I felt so sentimental about it all when talking to the baby.

please be kind… I’m already worrying

OP posts:
MessyBunPersonified · 13/08/2022 11:58

If I'm honest it does sound like communication is lacking from his side so you've decided to try provoke a reaction by using his dead mother.

Not sure what you hoped to achieve by messaging and telling him all that, but it probably won't be good.

Octomore · 13/08/2022 11:59

Well it was manipulative and deliberately emotive, wasn't it? What did you hope to achieve?

Whatever has happened in your relationship with this guy, it wasn't okay to assume the right to discuss his dead mum who you never even met. Any memories of her are his to share, not yours.

Original poster
brrrrrsg · 13/08/2022 12:00

@MessyBunPersonified god that was what I was worried about. I did say in the email I was a sentimental mess and just wanted to share a nice moment and that I had told the baby everything he has told me about her.

i did say it was a separate message to anything else and I was aware we weren’t communicating and that I just wanted to share the moment

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Original poster
brrrrrsg · 13/08/2022 12:02

@Octomore it wasn’t memories like that it was just making the baby aware/involving the baby with her. He was always pleased to talk about her freely when together. Urgh I feel silly

OP posts:
Octomore · 13/08/2022 12:05

Still sounds manipulative, with a splash of grief vulture thrown in. This is a woman that you literally never met.

I don't imagine he'll react well. His memory of his mum is likely to be a very personal thing, and you have just decided to assume ownership of it and take responsibility for sharing it with your baby.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 13/08/2022 12:13

You didn’t even know the woman! What a (at best) tasteless, crass thing to do. However I think you knew exactly what you were doing, to provoke a reaction. That’s pretty messed up.

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/08/2022 12:26

I wouldn’t worry about it OP

What matters is that you focus on you and the baby. This relationship doesn’t exist, and it sounds like the baby may not have a relationship with his side of the family.

I suspect you are mourning the relationship and In law family you thought you would have.

It won’t help to try and make him feel things he doesn’t. Focus on being pragmatic with him. Have you sorted money out? If not do.

Don’t try and communicate more than necessary. I am sure it feels drafty but other people will come into your life.

tuscanleather · 13/08/2022 12:28

What a very strange thing to do.

Hugasauras · 13/08/2022 12:30

Yes I think it's very odd and agree with the 'grief vulture' thing. Both of my husband's parents died before we met and while it makes me sad for all of us that our DC won't ever meet one set of grandparents, the grief over their deaths is not mine to make a fuss about.

hotfroth · 13/08/2022 12:31

Yesthatismychildsigh · 13/08/2022 12:13

You didn’t even know the woman! What a (at best) tasteless, crass thing to do. However I think you knew exactly what you were doing, to provoke a reaction. That’s pretty messed up.

She may never have met the woman, but she is about to give birth to her grandchild. Have a heart.

Hugasauras · 13/08/2022 12:32

And you've not told the baby anything as they aren't even born yet and don't understand English 🤷‍♀️ If he wants to tell his child about his mum when they are old enough then I'm sure he will.

Babyroobs · 13/08/2022 12:36

Odd to get so upset about someone who died 25 years ago who you never knew but like you say it could be hormones. I find it hard to understand why you would share with him when he clearly doesn't even want to communicate about normal everyday stuff . I'd just let it go, don't worry about it anymore.

Runwalkskijump · 13/08/2022 12:38

Yesthatismychildsigh · 13/08/2022 12:13

You didn’t even know the woman! What a (at best) tasteless, crass thing to do. However I think you knew exactly what you were doing, to provoke a reaction. That’s pretty messed up.

This.

You knew what you were doing. You never even met her. You wanted a reaction. Blaming hormones is also pretty low

Original poster
brrrrrsg · 13/08/2022 13:09

I’ve text to say I am sorry I made an error in judgment and that I didn’t use it as a means to communicate and only wish to do that if we both decide to do so.

I was v upset and just saw a couple of things that related to her and got them for the baby. I didn’t actually expect him to respond to it, but I suppose I did want him to know I cared about his side of family being present in the baby’s life.

please be kind I am quite fragile at the moment!

OP posts:
iamshergar · 13/08/2022 13:39

that’s a very…weird and yes emotionally manipulative thing to do. Your baby doesn’t understand you so you haven’t shared some lovely moment with it, nor have you met the dead woman you’re crying to it about. I’d be very wary of communicating with someone like you

Stickmansmum · 13/08/2022 13:43

OP I think you just need to stand down. You’re obviously (and with good reason) very messed up by the situation with your ex. And you are vulnerable and making bad judgement calls on all the communication to this man. You can’t see it yet but you are better off without him in your and probably your baby’s life.

Dont let him make you behave clingy and unhinged. Get support you need to talk through this difficult period with someone that is NOT this man.

You will be fine but the less you contact him the better you can protect yourself.

LIZS · 13/08/2022 13:52

Is this someone who does not want a relationship with you or the baby ? Have you accepted it is over? It seems weird to use the "memory" of someone you never knew as a topic for communication and more of an excuse to try to provoke conversation.

Thornethorn · 13/08/2022 13:53

You're just emotional, OP. And maybe very fragile after a break up you didn't want.

Your ex's reactions don't matter. Don't give it any more head space. He's very rude to ignore you and not a man to waste your time worrying about.

Miajk · 13/08/2022 13:59

Totally depends on what's actually gone down between you to be honest. If you abused him and now you're sending him things like that that's different to of you just broke up because you didn't get along but still care for each other.

Why is he so unwilling to speak to you?

Original poster
brrrrrsg · 13/08/2022 14:16

I wasn’t crying about his mum - I was crying over the baby and the fact I wanted the baby to know about their background.

I said in the message that I wasn’t saying it to communicate. I was just sad for the baby and the situation.

i have since text to say it was an error in judgment and I was feeling emotional and that I accept that we are not speaking.

@Miajk as to why he’s been unwilling to speak he’s never said specifically other than he had to focus on work. And that was it pretty much!

OP posts:
Original poster
brrrrrsg · 13/08/2022 14:19

We did used to talk about her a lot and it was standard conversation. I’ve message before about something I’ve bought etc. He’d always mention her birthday and it was a topic for us so not strange for me to have been thinking of it.

that said I am glad I’ve followed up and said that I didn’t mean to provoke conversation. Urgh I feel so shit, I’m not the sort of person to use grief emotionally like that! I was just wanting him to know she was part of the baby’s life.

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 13/08/2022 14:39

Is there a reason he completely just doesn't want to talk to you or acknowledge the baby? I know you're probably a storm of hormones right now but he's making you behave like you're unhinged and you should never let anyone draw that kind of energy from you.

opalescent · 13/08/2022 14:45

I think it was a bit crass and manipulative. Having said that- you are heavily pregnant and appear to be unhappily not with the father- I think it's completely understandable that you are emotionally fragile, yearning for connection, and possibly not making the best decisions. Give yourself a break 💐

lemmein · 13/08/2022 22:12

Aw OP, I think you know yourself it was a manipulative thing to do - not great, but then you're due to have a baby with a man who sounds totally disinterested, it's ok to have a crazy moment or 2 in those circumstances. It's done now, just try and forget about it Flowers

I promise you, your life will be infinitely better when you accept he's not going to be the person you want/need him to be. You're bound to feel vulnerable at the moment but you won't feel like this forever. Stop trying so hard to communicate with him; he shouldn't need to be pestered to want to be a part of his baby's life, if the effort doesn't come from him it definitely shouldn't be coming from you.

Do you have family support? My DD had a baby with a totally disinterested wanker - in 5 years he has seen my DGS 3 times 🙄 my DD though is an amazing mum, honestly I couldn't be prouder of her - if he decides to be involved when they baby arrives great, but if he doesn't you will be fine. Instead of messaging him message us lot, or a friend/family member. At least on here someone will always reply when you're feeling shit, even if it's to virtually kick your arse and tell ya to stop being a div Grin

Good luck for Friday, I hope everything goes smoothly.

Original poster
brrrrrsg · 13/08/2022 22:19

@lemmein i feel shit about it, I definitely didn’t expect a reply to it and said in the message that I was feeling very emotional and just wanted to share it with him as she had been on my mind. I was really clear that it was totally separate to anything going on between us and something nice about the baby and link to her.

I hope he understands :( I do wear my heart on my sleeve and he knows that

I have family support and don’t need him. I was literally thinking about her and then that launched me into thinking about DC’s grandparents etc.

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