Does anyone else's DH struggle to go on holiday?

[ItIsWhatItIsAndWhatItIsIsShit]

DH owns and runs a small marketing company. Office based - lots of calls and going to see potential new clients and smoothing relationships with existing ones.

Employs 12 people.

It's comfortable but Covid hit hard so every contract counts. Lots of staff change too so no-one to whom he can really delegate.

I understand that completely.

But we are really struggling with holidays. Every time we book anything it ends up being "the wrong week". Which creates awful stress.

We go away tomorrow for a UK holiday - one week. He now tells me he'll absolutely have to dial into (and lead) 3 meetings on Monday - for which we'll (me and DD9 and DS6) need to vacate the caravan we've booked. (And the weather looks dreadful). Ditto Tuesday. And Wednesday afternoon. He's hopeful he can possibly do something with us on Thursday. We go home Friday.

It's not just not what I envisaged. It's just not a holiday - immersed in his work and me keeping the kids out of his way.

He's keen to go - and does need to relax too - so I wouldn't suggest just leaving him at home.

Is this common? I feel I'm the only one with this dynamic. And it's sad.

Tell him to stay home if he wants to work online. He will spoil the holiday. Just you and DD go. He will get the message.

Yes it’s common, especially for agencies as we’re headed for a recession. Both my partner and I are c-suite in agencies. I’ve always been in big companies my partner was ceo is a small shop and he couldn’t even take paternity leave. I remember him having to take a call on top of the mountain when we were skiing.
he ended up selling which was the best outcome for everyone!

I struggle with this too. Something always crops up that will need attending to while we are away. Often leave the house later than planned as doing last minute emails. Had to park en route to our destination to take an important call (turned out he couldn't get signal though 😬). Not stress-free by any means...

@BearGryllsDad I'm not sure what that message would be? I can't see the nature of running a small company changing. So it's a "we don't want you here" message. But we do want him there. We want to holiday as a family.

@Whatabanana yes - I recognise all of that!

Honestly I am sure he could rearrange the meetings. I know loads of parents who work in marketing. Half of them splash their kids all over social media with cheesy announcements about 'this is why I work so hard' #outofoffice #worklifebalance and people love all that bollocks. He needs to set some boundaries. It will do his business no harm.

Yep, recognise this from our small business days. No marketing, car repairs, but similar issues.

DH would be phoned every day about orders or customers, some of our staff were extremely unreliable and would go AWOL when we weren't there, but you'd need a minimum of two to open up. It made for a pretty stressful holiday each time.
But it paid the bills and kept a roof over our heads.

I found that fellow small business owners were very sympathetic as they'd been through the on call 24/7 aspect of work themselves.

Long weekends worked well from a less stress point of view.
And a long term exit strategy goal kept us sane!

I would do the same as your husband I’m afraid. So hard owning your own business snd completely switching off.

I suggest he drives up Wednesday evening.

Or as a compromise Tuesday evening. Take kids out weds am together or him alone. Then weds afternoon you take them out for him to work in peace.

Or alternatively work from the car or find a space nearby. You cannot be asked to leave your own holiday accommodation for him to work. What if its raining?

He is bringing work to the holiday and needs to find the solution. You and the children should not feel apologetic for relaxing and having fun.

Hes stated his none negotiables-what are yours?

Same as being at a certain level as an employee, I've just been away for two weeks but have had to be on calls most days as going through M&A process. You can't always switch off.

Yes my DH is self employed and has a few subbies that need him to be contactable - l don't mind cos l realise it is our main income, except when they phone him for stupid and non urgent reasons. It's like they know he is at the end of the phone and have no respect for the fact it is family time.

Sounds rubbish. Is it possible in future that you could hire a cottage rather than a caravan and he could use the bedroom for meetings while the rest of you can use the accommodation downstairs and not feel that you have to be out of the property at set times?

absolutely have to dial into (and lead) 3 meetings on Monday - for which we'll (me and DD9 and DS6) need to vacate the caravan we've booked.

Why the fuck are you even with this man?!

Tell him to fuck off with him expecting you to facilitate his business.

I'm a solo parent and I've NEVER let some asshole come before my kid.

He can book a hotel conference room in the vicinity and leave you and your precious children in peace to enjoy your holiday.

They will thank you in their future. Mine's 31 now

Um that's quite extreme @Iflyaway

He's my husband. We have a stable loving relationship. They are our children, not just mine. 8 years ago after redundancy he set up his own business. It wasn't grounds for divorce!!!

I believe in wrong work life balance and consistent boundaries so this just wouldn’t work for me. Feels really sad that his children cannot have a week of his time!

Does he not have a deputy? His business is structured wrongly if he has to lead meetings from his holiday. Suggest he switches off. What will he remember during old age, family memories or exciting work meetings?

Is there any way he could rearrange the meetings for just one holiday day, instead of having them dotted about? Eg if you're going Sat to Sat, accept that Weds will be a "work" day for him, and arrange a day trip for you and the kids instead? Maybe keeping it contained to one day would be a compromise.

I do know what you mean as well, everything is so black and white on here. Of course he's not terrible bastard for having a business, and life doesn't stop for a week while you're away. It's just how to manage that.

I can understand the "just change the meetings" but he's not the one in control. It's a service industry. If he can't attend, he can't bid for that contract. And he needs the contracts!

And no deputy. The business can't afford one. The employees are all technical boss great at what they do but not expected to be in front of clients. And again, he's not won a contract if he sent a more honour person. That's just the nature of it.

I think it's just frustrating as I have a much more flexible job where I can either control the meeting time or be so unimportant that my attendance doesn't really matter. Very different to his business.

I think the point up thread about having a future exit plan (with holidays) is the thing to have in mind.

Yes same here as we are self employed. The perks are not having to ask for annual leave or a half day to watch sports days, nativities etc. no boss, more Freedom, higher earning potential.

swings and roundabouts but I empathise with your post and recognise it in our lives too

Can he find a place/room/car local to the holiday to work from? That way he still does the calls but you dont have to dance around them with the dc.

If he was running his business correctly he would be able to take time off.
At the moment he’s the single point of failure and it’s a risky position to be in.
I have been SE and if you do it right you can take time off in most cases

Surely if you want an exit plan, you need a succession plan. He needs to be investing time training up a right hand man or woman so if he's indisposed, they can be trusted to step in. And a deputy of a deputy. The structure of the business sounds very flat. With all the minions at the bottom and him at the top. How do people progress in the business? Or is it that he is scared to switch off?

My DH ran a family retail business for years and there were very few holidays in UK and none abroad when the children were small. On one occasion, he managed to put a manager in for a week so we could go away. Unfortunately the bloke pocketed the takings, so that never happened again.

It only changed when the children were teenagers and he had a different form of self employment. We had two foreign holidays before they were too old to go with us.

I feel for you OP.

@ItIsWhatItIsAndWhatItIsIsShit

Sorry if I offended.

Wishing you all the best.