Parent not looking after own health

[Whowhatwherewhenwhynow]

I'm wondering how people approach dealing with elderly parents who don’t look after their own health.

my parent (68 but physically and mentally more like someone in very old age and disabled) has just been diagnosed with diabetes. I already know they won’t follow the advice given re health and lifestyle because they never have been healthy or followed health advice for their other conditions.

Do you just accept they aren’t going to do the things they need and accept they’ll have to deal with the consequences. Or keep pushing them and butting in?

I’ve tried to help with things previous, such as hoarding and other health issues, but it is always in vain and pointless.

what approach have others taken?

I tried to make suggestions for a while but now I just accept they aren’t going to change. The health issues they have are purely down to lifestyle, diet and weight but I can’t make them alter their diet, lose weight, exercise etc.

I just choose to no longer comment when they are complaining about sore knees, being out of breath, getting bigger or whatever. It’s futile.

Treat them as an adult, stop patronising them and let them make their own choices.

I don't think you can nag without spoiling the relationship, but it's worth having I've serious, in depth conversation.

That should include a discussion of whether they're expecting you to pick up the pieces, or whether they can afford carers or a nursing home.

My father doesn't expect much support but looks after his health, following medical advice and trying to keep healthy.

My PIL hardly exercise, eat unhealthily and always opt for more pills rather than any other options. One's diabetic, the other pre-diabetic and post TIAs. It irritates me so much because I'm going to be the one caring for them!

@TooHotTooGreedy I think I’ll have to take the same approach.

I’ve tried serious conversations about requesting an assessment from social care and lifestyle etc. they just mumble agreement and then don’t follow through. In the past they’ve has things like weekly physio but then as soon as it stopped they got worse because they didn’t continue any of the work.

I’ve been clear I won’t be able to offer any significant care because I work and have 2 young children. However realistically if my healthy parent gets Ill ever or dies I’d have to step in until a long term plan was in place.

I just feel so sad. They’ve just retired and are rotting away watching TV doing nothing. I just have to accept that’s what they are choosing. As adults.

Leave them alone, it's their life not yours

Unfortunately plenty of people have ailments that they do not try to improve or adopt good health strategies to assist. There is very little anybody can do as adults make their own lifestyle choices.

Frustrating isn't it.

That fair.

just hard to see people you love living such an unfulfilling life and letting themselves get poorly.

Not directly health, but DM's made lifestyle choices that affect her quality of life (housing, furnishing) She fell for the trap of thinking there was a "right time" to change, but the right time was when she was capable, not when she ran out of energy to take action.

She's an adult and is free to make those choices. I'd like to think that I'd make better choices, but I'll probably screw something else up instead.

If your mum is hoarding there's likely to be a backstory. It's hard to get enthusiastic about looking after health and prolonging life if you're already in a lot of difficulties and internally miserable.

I'd say either accept that this is where she's at and things aren't going to end in a way that you could be happy with, or try and take her out of it all and give her reasons to want to keep going. Easier said than done I realize.

But it’s not fair. It will affect your life hugely. It’s not butting in, or patronising to try to avoid a long drawn out demise. Honestly though, there really is little you can do. It’s an awfully young age to be ‘old’.

All you can do is try to make it easier to keep to the rules.

Gently invite them to exercise with you, serve healthy food when they visit you, encourage them, but in the end, it's their choice.

Making healthy food at mine is a nice simple idea thanks.