Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

WWYD? One child taking alcohol from cupboard

20 replies

LionessesRules · 12/08/2022 15:11

This morning there was an empty can of cider in the bin (don't get me started on why it wasn't in the recycling). It was a "light and sweet" orange flavored thing given as a promotional activity last week.
DH is away, and has been since before bin day. I didn't drink it. Pretty sure the cat didn't. That leaves the 13yr old or the 11yr old. I told them i wanted to know who had opened it and i would be very cross with lying. Both are denying it. Screens have been removed, and they've been told they can't go out of my sight. So we've all been to the supermarket, and are now cleaning the house.

Am I getting it right?

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 12/08/2022 15:14

At that age? Yes. In 4 years time you'd be unreasonable but there is no fucking way either of your kids should be drinking in secret.

You're unlikely to find out who did it, so if I were you I'd sit them down and give them both the lecture you'd give the culprit, and then set a short ish punishment (IE no screens this weekend) and then draw a line under it. Tell them if it ever happens again, the same thing will happen.

Out of interest, who do you suspect?

Timeforabiscuit · 12/08/2022 15:16

Could the can have been mistaken for a soft drink? I.e. innocent mistake?

Nothing wrong with the reaction of chores if no fizzy drinks are meant to be taken without asking first,

I'd also double check if any other visitors had helped themselves, did they have friends round while you weren't there?

Rina66 · 12/08/2022 15:17

They've both drunk it - normally the innocent sibling would grass up the guilty one at that age.

Sapphirensteel · 12/08/2022 15:17

If it looked like an orange drink could one of them drunk it by mistake? Or even tried it and poured it away.

Threelittlelambs · 12/08/2022 15:20

I’ve looked it up and it looks like a fizzy drink.

You are punishing one child because of the others actions.

I would sit them in a room in silence and just say the only thing I need to hear from either of you is who drunk the cider.

The issue though is if the punishment is already being given - what happens to the culprit?

Original poster
LionessesRules · 12/08/2022 15:20

Gut reaction? The 11 yr old is known for denying things, even we know the truth - so even
if we see him do something, he will deny it. But we are also a family where sips of drinks are permitted, and they have always pulled faces. So I reckon it was opened by accident, tasted, and poured down the sink. Neither appeared drunk yesterday evening!
Both are blaming the other.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 12/08/2022 15:21

Two things- lay off the pressure. They may be more honest if it's less of a big deal.

Secondly, talk to them about the joys and perils of alcohol, that their bodies are still a lot smaller than an adults, and the alcohol can affect them in the future, not just now. My understanding is that it shrinks the brain- who wants to lose IQ points at their age- and promotes a reliance on alcohol to relax/unwind. This is the age they are supposed to develop other self soothing skills.

Iamthewombat · 12/08/2022 15:21

They have sampled the booze and are now denying it because (1) they know that it will get them into trouble and (2) they are kids! Lighten up. I don’t think you need to worry about alcohol poisoning yet.

Hopeandlove · 12/08/2022 15:23

Right to address theft and alcohol. Wrong to blame them both. My brother stole beer cans and bloody hid them in my room. I then was accused and known for lying when actually it was him ….

hotfroth · 12/08/2022 15:35

Tell them that you're far more annoyed about the lying. The issue of drinking alcohol at their age can be tackled separately.

Make sure they understand that it is the lying and/or covering up that is the main problem, and that's why you are so cross.

6demandingchildren · 12/08/2022 16:51

You need to tell them that you need to know as it's your job as a parent to guide them, just let them know it's ok to be honest.

TwoBlondes · 12/08/2022 16:58

When my youngest used to pinch chocolate, she hid the wrappers (admittedly not very well !) so I'd have assumed they didn't realise it was alcohol

bcc89 · 12/08/2022 20:19

This is really unfair to punish both children if one of them has lied to you. Honestly, that will backfire. If you know you're getting in trouble regardless of whether it's you or your sibling, punishments don't mean anything and you won't be able to discipline either of them. Lazy parenting, sorry.

Original poster
LionessesRules · 12/08/2022 20:36

But the alternative is deny everything, and never get punished.
Where is the middle ground? And how to get to it?

It is the lying I'm wanting to sort.

We'd have all cleaned the house tomorrow morning anyway, so it was just bringing that forward to give me chance to be with them without a Mexican stand off.

Still no answer. And no to visitors. Literally just been the 3 of us in the house.

OP posts:
bcc89 · 12/08/2022 20:47

But the one who didn't do it is being punished in this "stand off" despite doing nothing wrong. The fact you don't see a problem with that is strange.

Original poster
LionessesRules · 13/08/2022 07:50

If I knew I'd got it right, I wouldn't have asked.

OP posts:
CrapBucket · 13/08/2022 07:57

Its a really tricky situation. I think you are handling it well but need an exit strategy.

There is no incentive for the thief to confess. Maybe call an amnesty and say the thief won't get into trouble. (Just give them a long boring lecture.)

Then give the innocent one some sort of surprise treat as compensation. Which the thief will then regret lying because they don't get it.

W0tnow · 13/08/2022 08:00

I’ve been where you are, and done the same as you. I have no answer!

they didn’t seem to get that it was the lying I had the most issue with!

MRex · 13/08/2022 08:00

My mum did this a few times, she knew it was my sibling really but it was easier to punish both when she didn't have proof. It's a ridiculous way of "parenting" and I still look back somewhat baffled as to why she did it. It gave the sibling a lovely sense of power as well, it really feeds a mean streak to see your sibling punished for something you did. Eventually I really told mum off about it and she stopped doing it.

The goal should be them understanding the impact of their actions and not doing it again. The problem is that you've upped the stakes. Why should one of them be honest so that you'll punish them? Why do they feel they can't tell you they opened a can by mistake? Why are you randomly punishing a different kid as though they ought to control their sibling? You're supposed to be the parent, that isn't their job. My advice would be to de-escalate the whole thing and try to establish everyone being honest with each other first. Talk to them about why you're worried, what you would have preferred them to do etc.

SmellyStinkyPong · 13/08/2022 08:12

I'd go with the 'disappointed' parenting line in this case
We've all been there with one thing or another

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread